How To Improve Your Communication: A 4 Step Guide

There is one skill that is the grand daddy of them all.  It’s THE super power: Communication!

If you could choose only one single skill to improve that will help you in all aspects of your life and business, its communication.

Whether you want to get better socially, or grow your network marketing business, or get your ideas across with your boss and team at work, this article will help you. Below I share 4 steps that will help you improve your communication.

4 Steps to Improve Your Communication

These 4 steps are focused on 1-on-1 communication, although they can be applied to groups as well with some slight modifications.

1. Use F.O.R.M to Find Topics

One of the scariest thing for many people (myself included) is to engage in small talk. But effective small talk is a great bridge to meaningful conversation.  “Meaningful” can be simply social, or it can be mission centric and related to your business, or volunteer organization, or job, etc.

You’ve got to get the conversation started. People love talking about themselves and their interests, so that’s a great place to focus.  You can use the acronym FORM to find topics for effective small talk:

• Family
• Occupation
• Recreation
• Money

You can read more about how Simon Chan uses FORM here.

2. Ask Great Questions

Asking questions is the magic power for conversations that both engage the other person and can lead somewhere meaningful. But the key is for you learn how to ask GREAT questions.  Great questions invoke thoughtful and somewhat personal responses from the other person.

• Don’t ask yes/no questions or questions that can be answered with a single word or phrase.  Questions that contain “Do/Are/Would/Have you…”, or “When is/was…”, or “Who is/was/did…” typically lead to yes/no or other single word answers.  Avoid them as lead-in questions.  The exception to this rule is to use the yes/no question to establish context.  Similar to a rhetorical question.
• Do ask questions that lead people to think about their answer. Questions that start with “What…”, “Why…”, or “How…” typically lead to thought provoking topics and answers.
• Do ask follow up questions.
• Do ask questions about the other person’s opinions.  Use follow up questions to drill into the other person’s opinions of the topic at hand.

Here’s a great tip if the conversation is a small group conversation (i.e., a couple guys standing around with beer in their hands at a picnic):  Ask the follow up questions to someone else in the group, rather than the person that answered the first one.  This engages others and starts the conversation flowing around the group.

Some examples:

• “What did you like best about the presentation (or what you saw)?”
• “Did you see the play that Coach called last night?  What would you have done there?”
• “If you could wake up tomorrow and do anything, what would it be?”
• “Boy that sounds like a horrible commute!  What have you found to be your best route and time to leave in the morning?”
• “If you hate <your job, your weight, your neighbor, whatever> so much, what have you done so far to change it?”

Looking for more examples of great questions? Check out Ray Higdon’s post here.

3. Be Interested, Not Interesting

People really want to talk about themselves. Let them.  Your job, once you’ve asked a question, is to actually hear the answer(s)!

• Listen and engage: Nod your head, “mhmmm….”, “right”.  Be careful not to step on them when they talk, however.  You are looking for something in what they say that can spark or continue the meaningful conversation.
• Don’t interrupt: Nothing says “I don’t care” like interrupting.  Ugh, I’m not proud, but I’m sure I do this when I’m not focused.  It’s natural though (because at the end of the day, it’s all about you 😀 ), and it goes right along with the next one.
• Don’t speed bump: Tell me if this sounds familiar…The other person is talking and you’re listening. Then you hear something for which you have a reply, or something to relate… or even worse… something you remember you want to say but actually has nothing to do with the conversation.  You may not interrupt, but you’re waiting (impatiently) for a slight break so you can interject.  The problem here is that you haven’t actually heard one word after your “Aha!” moment. What if the real nugget of the conversation happened AFTER that moment?

The double whammy of conversation killer is the “interrupt + speed bump”.  You jump right in on top of the other person with your own point or story.  A killer to any rapport you might have built up prior.

You will build the most rapport and be thought of as a better communicator if you listen more than talk.  Be on the look out for what “The Art of Manliness” calls Conversational Narcissism.

4. Share Something Short and Relevant About Yourself

Even though the “speed bump” is a sure killer, you should still share stories about yourself at the proper moment. Keep them short and completely relevant to the other person.

Most important: Don’t one-up them! 

We all love a good fish story: “Oh yeah, well mine was 38 inches!” And there are many situations where this is just lively banter and great fun.  However, when meeting someone new, or communicating with a purpose, rarely is this received playfully. You likely have friends, or at least people you know well, with whom you shudder inwardly at this thought because he/she is always “one-upping’ you.

The conversation must still be about them. The purpose of telling a quick story is to come along side of the person with whom you are speaking. Sharing something relevant about yourself provides some inside information and makes you more relatable. It also shows you are listening and care.

Keep the conversation cooperative vs competitive.  A slight, but important distinction.

Here are some examples:

• Assume your counterpart has an awful commute story.

“Oh dear, that must have been awful! I absolutely believe you, because I had to drive that expressway myself for about 3 years. Do you remember that day when the road was completely closed?  How do you wind down once you get home from that drive?”

•  Assume your counterpart has watched the information video that you sent AND they have answered “What did you like best about the video I sent?”

“I love that also!  In fact, when I first saw this video that was exactly what drew me to this.  I was wondering if this might be THE answer that I was looking for!”

• Assume you’re discussing jobs and your counterpart has just told you that he/she was laid off at one time.

“I bet that sucked!  Same thing happened to me last October, and I was scared to death. It sucks when THEY have control, doesn’t it? Do you have a plan if that happens again?”

Conclusion

Skillful communication is quite simply a super power. It can change your life and business. The great news is that like most skills, you can indeed learn it and get better at it. The most effective way to get better socially, grow your business, or make strides at your job, is to improve your communication. This article’s purpose was to get you started on that learning path.

Here are the 4 steps to help you improve your communication:

1. Use F.O.R.M. to Find Topics
2. Ask Great Questions
3. Be Interested, Not Interesting
4. Share Something Short and Relevant About Yourself

You should notice that these steps incorporate an undercurrent of awareness:  Self awareness and awareness of the other person(s) to which you are trying to communicate.

Now get out there and communicate!