Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
– Brene Brown, “The Gifts of Imperfection”
Cynical. Jaded. Guarded. “That’s how they get ya.”
These are protection mechanisms. Walls we learn — I’ve learned — to build so that we can handle the emotional roller coaster of life.
I’ve been building up these walls since childhood. Starting with the Locker Incident on my first day of 6th grade, continuing through my teenage years, and well into my mid-40’s, I felt an intense shame of not being good enough. Rejection. Layoffs. Cancellations. Failures.
My reaction had always been to build more armor. To throw up more guards, lean into cynicism. Always be wary about getting got.
And all that did was pull me farther away from wholehearted living and loving. Always running in the opposite direction of the fear.
I’m now on a different path. A tough path. An uncomfortable path. A path I sometimes lose. But a path that feels better in my core.
It’s a path of leaning into and airing the shame. A path of walking towards fear while recognizing that eliminating fear is impossible, but operating in the face of it is not. A path of allowing intense joy to overwhelm me.
A path towards authenticity.
