The Science of Saying Yes and the Art of Saying No
You and I have a yes/no problem.
Specifically, we’re not saying one of them enough, or to the right thing, or at the right time.
This group over here says we’re supposed to say “Yes” more.
Saying yes boosts our confidence, exposes us to more opportunities, and grows our mind, skills, and network. All of which will ultimately help us become more successful.
OK, got it.
But wait. This group over here is telling me to say “No” more.
Saying no more often rids us of stress, wasted energy, and toxic forces, as well as increases our focus. All of which will ultimately help us become successful.
So which is it?
I’ve found a great and simple tool that helps me determine when to say yes or no, and it allows me to completely ignore the conflicting storm of self-help advice on this topic.
The Science of Saying Yes
“Say yes to invitations to a new country, say yes to meet new friends, say yes to learn something new. Yes is how you get your first job, and your next job, and your spouse, and even your kids. Even if it’s a bit edgy, a bit out of your comfort zone, saying yes means that you will do something new, meet someone new, and make a difference. Yes lets you stand out in a crowd, be the optimist, see the glass full, be the one everyone comes to. Yes is what keeps us all young.”
Eric Schmidt
There’s science behind why we need to say yes to more things. The science is both math and psychology.
The math of saying yes is about finding the right opportunities through experimentation.
Plus, saying yes compounds the number of opportunities for experimentation because of opportunity chains (one opportunity leading to another).
The psychology behind saying yes is about personal growth and the opening of your mind.
The more you say yes, the more confidence you gain, the more experiences you learn from, the more opportunities you will see, and the more connections you will make.
Yes is about possibilities and breadth.
The Art of Saying No
“[Success] comes from saying No to 1000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much.”
Steve Jobs
“Just saying Yes because you can’t bear the short-term pain of saying No is not going to help you do the work.”
Seth Godin
Saying no is an art because the core of the issue is usually entangled in a web of emotions.
Sometimes we say no out of fear. Fear of the unknown, rejection, failure. Fear that you won’t or can’t finish.
Other times we can’t say no because of fear. Fear of letting someone down, disappointing ourselves, or having to admit a weakness. We all want to be someone who can be counted upon.
But to get unstuck, to finish what you’ve started, and to make an impact, you will have to say no to something and to somebody. There comes a point where no becomes necessary.
The art is in separating your emotions of the moment from the journey you are on.
No is about focus and depth.
You’ll Have to do Both
Success will come when you keep saying yes UNTIL you find your opportunity, your voice, your direction, and your thing. If you never say yes, you never give yourself a chance.
But once you’ve found your way, then it’s time to start saying no.
How to Know When to Say Yes or No
It isn’t complicated.
You can ignore all of the self-help advice about a deep dive on authentic core principles, “does this bring me joy?”, and whether this gets you closer to something on your vision board (in fact, burn your vision board). All of these are like crack for the overthinker (do you know anyone like that? 🤚), and I’ve wasted months and countless opportunities because of it.
To know if you should say yes or no, simply ask yourself, “Which is harder for me (in this situation)?”
Use your fear and comfort zone as the guide.
My comfort zone is a stone-cold sage when it comes to what I should be doing. The answer that threatens to pull me out of my comfort zone is likely to be the better choice.
The best part about this method is it works for both the big things and small things…life and career direction questions as well as daily living questions.
If you’re struggling right now with a yes/no decision, it’s ok to toss your vision board and core principles worksheets in the trash and simply ask yourself, “Which is harder?”
