My biggest insecurity as a new father was about to become a reality.
I doubt I’m alone when I admit that my biggest insecurity as a new father of toddler-age kids was competence. Especially in front of my wife. I don’t mean competence in a macho, chest-puffing way but a relaxing, calm, and in-control way. I wanted to be seen as a father in control who could handle things.
The four of us sat in a booth, and Chris and I were in man-to-man defense. Our 1-year-old daughter (Maddie) in a booster on the inside next to me, and our 2 1/2-year-old son (Joe) across the table from his sister next to my wife. Chris got up to hit the buffet, and that left Joe uncovered.
Just after she leaves, a fly starts buzzing around Joe, and he freaks out. He went through a phase with flying bugs — PTSD from a bee sting. Now he’s waving his arms at it and screaming.
So like the competent father I am, I adeptly spin around the table next to him to calm him down. That leaves Maddie uncovered.
She takes this moment of freedom to grab the red-clear plastic tumbler in front of her. I guess now was the time to drink like a “big girl.” She promptly pours the entire 16 ounces of ice-filled water down her face and over her entire body. And then she starts screaming and squirming.
Uh, oh. I now have a competence problem. One I can handle, but two? On opposite sides of the table?
I quickly decide to spin back around the table to handle Maddie and keep her from falling out of the booster seat. That leaves Joe uncovered again. As soon as I leave, he takes his crying and screaming game to the next level.
And then he projectile vomits. All over everything — the table, himself, the booth. Puke everywhere. How could a two-year-old stomach hold so much?
Now what do I do? I didn’t do anything, at least for a few seconds. Some part of me had given up. I just sat there and took it all in. Maddie soaking wet and screaming. Joe soaking wet, with puke all over him and everything else, and screaming.
And then I looked up and saw Chris standing about 10 feet from our table, plate in hand, with that expression on her face.
This entire sequence of events took less than 60 seconds. It only took 60 seconds to completely and methodically dismantle my faux air of fatherly and maybe manly competence.
I had been found out and publicly shamed.
