Dear Younger Me,
You weren’t a good listener.
Oh sure, on the surface you were. You developed skills as an active listener and you learned the finer points of conversation etiquette. But all in the context of getting what you want, making your viewpoint known, and from a perspective of your team.
You didn’t learn about true listening.
You didn’t learn that true listening is not about you. Not at all.
Now it’s time to listen.
Listening is Not
Listening is not maintaining eye contact, leaning toward the speaker, and being attentive to non-verbal cues. Those are the charlatan techniques of a manipulator.
Because listening is not waiting patiently for your turn to talk.
Listening is not simply and blindly posting a color or using a hashtag. Those are the fear-induced reactions of a follower.
Because listening is not about fear of what they think.
Listening is not swinging the baton nor throwing the rock. Those are the actions of someone who has stopped listening.
Because listening cannot happen when the line has been crossed.
Listening Is
Listening is a search for true empathy.
Listening is an honest attempt to walk in his shoes (an impossibility, but still a worthy exercise).
Listening is being genuinely curious about her, her story, and her meaning.
Listening is a willingness to challenge your own closely held beliefs. Even the things you know to be true at your very core.
Listening is starting with the knowledge that the speaker has inherent value. That all speakers have value, not because of the message, but because of their being. Even if you don’t agree with the message.
When You Listen
When you listen, the ends never justify the means.
When you listen, your knee could never stay on a neck.
When you listen, you find that even when common ground is not possible, respect is.
When you listen, you must see the uniform, the skin color, the gender, and the cohort, because these bare the perspective.
The hard part of listening is not just picking the voices with whom you already resonate, but picking the voices that have something to teach you.
Is There Still Time to Learn to Listen?
Of course. It’s never too late.
Because whether its a better bottom line, or a better relationship, or dare we say a better world, it has to start with listening.
So now’s your time, even at your age, to dig in and learn to listen.
