I suck at achieving goals.
I’ve disappointed myself time and time again.
Not for lack of “investing” in myself.
I’ve done all the things: read the blogs and books, watched the videos, and listened to the podcasts; taken the seminars, both professionally and personally; created the vision boards; used the success planners…
I have even coached my software development teams on how to create SMART goals for themselves.
For me personally, however, achievement of most of my important goals has continued to elude me.
But now I have a handle on why.
What I’ve realized is that I suck at achieving goals because I suck at setting goals.
Oddly enough, I have arrived at this understanding through examining why I am so terrified of heights.
My Fear of Heights
Heights make me weak kneed and hyperventilate.
Not all high places, however. I’m only afraid if I feel like there is a very real chance that I can fall.
I chose that verb in the above sentence intentionally. The fear is NOT based on an objective risk of falling. I’m terrified if I FEEL like there is a real risk of falling.
In other words, if I believe it can happen, it scares me.
What Makes My Knees Weak
At this point in my life, I know the ingredients that will cause that feeling.
All three of these components must be present.
- It’s gotta be high. How high? Well, that depends. Sometimes 15 feet is enough.
- I must be able to see straight down
- The railing/wall/safety bar between me and the great beyond is lower than my chest.
For example, standing at the edge of a cliff, or at the edge of my roof, or at the top of a lighthouse if the walkway has a low railing at the edge.
If any one of those three aren’t there, then I feel safe enough and am not afraid.
There are also a few condition enhancers that can spin the terror into orbit:
- Not trusting the structure. For example, a wobbly ladder or standing too close to the top of the ladder.
- Height plus exposure. For example, rock climbing, cresting the very top of the big hill on a roller coaster, or when the walkway on a tall bridge is on the outer edge.
These situations make me FEEL like I could actually fall. I can picture it happening. Sometimes I actually catch myself running through the scenario in my head.
I believe it can happen.
What Doesn’t Bother Me
Standing on the observation decks or roof decks of tall buildings.
I’m lucky enough to have been in many of the world’s highest buildings. I’ve been in those buildings in New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, Shanghai, San Francisco, and many others. Never once did I feel any uneasiness in those buildings.
The observation decks are typically either indoors, or have tall fences/railings, or are situated such that you can’t look straight down the side of the building.
I’ve also been on many roof decks. Roof decks meant for socializing typically have walls that are at least chest high and set back enough that you can’t see straight down.
Driving over a bridge. I’m in a car and the road doesn’t appear to be close enough to the edge to make me feel like I could fall.
Flying. Sure, turbulence of a certain magnitude makes me a little nervous. My father is a pilot, however, and I have been flying my whole life. I was taught about an airplane’s ability to withstand turbulence at a very young age.
In all of these situations, I FEEL safe.
Therefore, I don’t believe that I’m in danger of falling off or that the structure might break resulting in my plummeting into the void.
My Most Terrifying Moment
November 11, 2018 at the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall about an hour north of Beijing.
How was I supposed to know that to stand on that Wall requires a windy traverse over what certainly was a bottomless chasm on an old rusty ski lift? That part was NOT in the brochure.
Very high? Check.
Ability to see straight down? Check.
Safety bar too low? Check.
Height plus exposure? Check.
Distrust of the structure? Check.
Jumping into the 2-seat, fully open chair and pulling the safety bar down didn’t really phase me. I’ve been on ski lifts before, and although I’ve been uneasy on them, I have never felt terror.
But once we rose over the initial crest, the ground dropped away, and the wind picked up. I was literally frozen. I knew, with all of my being, that the cable on the lift was about to snap.
I believed it with all of my heart. I could picture it, and I kept replaying the moment in my mind.
The only thing that kept me from outright weeping was my lift-mate, and friend, George. My pride wouldn’t let me cry like a baby in front of George. Although it was a struggle.
He was apparently unphased. Turning around, taking pictures, and making the ride even more bouncy. So I literally closed my eyes, tried to pray, and just let George do all of the talking. Thank God he was talking.
Miraculously, somewhere between 5 minutes and 3 hours later, I found myself standing on that wall.
A side note: I don’t regret that fear-filled 5 minutes on any level. The Great Wall is truly one of the great wonders on this planet. I’ve seen the pictures, you’ve seen the pictures, but the only way to appreciate its majesty is to stand on it with your own feet.
I would do it again in a heartbeat, even being fully aware that I will put myself through a most tortuous 5 minutes.
Connecting the Fear to Goals
How does all of this relate to goal setting?
This connection first struck me during a conversation about this fear with my wife. She observantly mentioned that the reason my knees get weak is because I believe it can happen.
It’s in the belief. The ability to picture it happening.
Then it struck me. That’s the same feeling that must be applied to goals.
Whatever goal you set, you must believe it to be attainable.
The problem I’ve had with goal setting is not the system, or the accountability, or the fact that I didn’t give it a date on the calendar (I’ve actually done all of these expertly advised things)…it’s pure belief.
I’ve written down the wrong goal. I’ve written down a goal that ultimately I don’t believe I can achieve.
The ‘A’ in the SMART system means “achievable”. I now think this is the most important piece.
The level of your goals must be in line with your level of belief in yourself to accomplish it. Whether it’s a huge goal like changing the world, or a small goal like getting 4 hours of endurance training in this week, you have to believe you can do it.
If I can’t feel myself attaining it and believe that I can succeed, then its a pointless goal. I will never achieve it.
Application to My Current Work
I’m currently working through a seminar from Seth Godin called “The Marketing Seminar“. It’s been an outstanding and enlightening ride so far.
One of the many moments of clarity that I’ve had is centered on goals. It was actually a lesson on goals plus strategy and tactics.
At first, I did what I usually do and started in the wrong place.
I started with something like “positively impact thousands of people by writing blogs and books, speaking, blah, blah, blah…”
That actually is what I want to do. It’s not an insincere vision.
But I don’t yet believe that I can achieve it. I don’t feel like it’s attainable.
I want to, of course, but it’s not yet believable by myself, for myself. Maybe it’s lack of confidence, maybe it’s the story in my head, maybe its lack of track record. It’s probably all of these.
Given the insight of self-belief, my new goal is something that may seem less ambitious on the outside:
The goal is to find my voice, and subsequently find an audience of any size to help by building community around overcoming the stories in our heads.
I believe I can find my voice. Continuing to write will do that.
I believe I can build an audience that I can help. I’m not worried about the number.
I can feel that because I believe that I’m not the only one. I know that there are others who feel stuck and feel like they have more to give, but don’t know where to start. There are others who have believed the stories that the world sells. There are others who have been telling themselves the wrong stories for a long time.
And now stuck and mediocre is no longer ok.
Setting this goal has made a huge positive impact on my direction and motivation.
A Word About Mission Vs Goals
Your goals are not exactly the same as the mission or the change you seek to make in the world. They are related, obviously.
The mission is something you believe IN. The goal is something you believe about yourself.
String the right goals together, and that’s how you live your mission.
This is where you start: pick a goal that makes you feel just like when you’re standing on the edge of the cliff and you can literally feel the fall.
Whatever you write down on that paper, or put on your vision board, or drop on your calendar better be something you believe you can achieve.
A Bonus
I’ll leave you with this picture. This is me, standing on the observation platform at the top of the Tybee Island Lighthouse in Georgia.
It’s not just a snapshot taken at the right time that makes me look like I’m hugging the structure. I WAS hugging the structure, and I wasn’t letting go.
You could’ve taken this picture of me at any time during the 20 minutes I was up there, and this is what you would have gotten.
You see that railing? It was by no means over chest high. It was possibly 3 inches higher than my waist. I’m surprised that the surrounding ground isn’t littered with the remnants of 5 or 6 people per day tumbling over that thing.
You’re welcome.
