Are you Being Accused of Having Changed? How to Keep Going…
Have you heard any of these, accompanied by that oh, so non-subtle body language or tone in the voice?
- “You have changed”
- “Where has this come from?”
- “Why are you trying to do ___________?”
- “What was wrong with what you were doing?”
And many times, the source of these statements are either friend or family, or both.
Let me clarify…I’m not talking about negative change, like you’ve sunken into addiction or criminal activity, or have abandoned responsibility. I’m talking about changes you have inevitably made because you have COMMITTED yourself to a VISION or some GOALS that are inherently positive. These are changes that you can only see as positive, but you’re getting flack from those around.
Let’s look at a few scenarios…
Assume you’ve committed yourself to the goal of running a marathon. For the last 5 years, maybe the “old” you always met the boys for coffee and bagels on Saturday mornings. But now that you have this goal, with a real plan that calls for real action, you have found that Saturday mornings are the time you can get your volume build-up run in for the week. So now you’ve missed 8 weeks in a row of Saturday morning coffee, and the guys are giving you real grief. At first it was a couple of snarky remarks, but its turned a bit more hostile. At this point, you’re not even on the group text, and if you get a message from one of them, it’s likely sarcastic. You tell the guys that its just till the race, then you’re back in. The race comes, and goes, and you take that next Saturday and meet the boys. But its not the same…for you, anyway. You find yourself actually wishing you were running instead. So next week you do it. You feel great, but the shun returns from the boys.
How about this one…You’ve committed yourself to making a career change from an employee to a entrepreneur. Maybe your starting a side business, or maybe you’ve gone ahead and dove in full-time. This is something that you’ve always had in your mind, but you have just recently decided to take the action. To make this dream a reality, it requires that you step out of your box, change some perspectives, and commit time and resources to new things that the old you didn’t do. Those around you notice. At first, there is some general support, but over time, that support turns into grumbling and maybe even snickers or outright hostility from a select few.
What’s happened is that you’ve simply stopped living the life that was EXPECTED of YOU by OTHERS. This causes a ripple effect, and forces those around you to change themselves. At the very least, they must change their view of you, and many times that change is unwelcome.
Do you know why you never have to put a lid on a bucket of freshly caught, and very much alive blue crabs? It’s because if one of those crabs figures it out, and starts to climb out, the others will NOT ALLOW IT, and they just grab that guy and pull him right back down. None of those crabs escape, because the collective keeps them trapped in their world.
It’s not much different in your life. You have surrounded yourself with people, and over time, those people expect you to be a CERTAIN YOU. That CERTAIN YOU fits the mold, and it allows the others to play their role with which they are comfortable. When you try to break out, and make some changes, that causes your circle to re-examine themselves, as well as their thoughts about you. And that is likely uncomfortable.
This is one of THE MAIN REASONS why its hard for those that come from a community of crime and poverty to break the mold and escape the cycle. Those around them threaten to exile them, or harm them or their family.
Ever since I first read Stephen Pressfield’s The War of Art, I have always pictured his concept of Resistance as the ontological form of fear. It is fear’s manifested power over our mind. Resistance is tricky and sneaky, and it’s extremely powerful and ingenious. In the situations here, Resistance is RECRUITING ALLIES. Your own mind is more comfortable with the old you, because inertia is a powerful force. Then you add to the inertia the fear of breaking the cycle, and the Resistance is almost unstoppable.
Are you someone who has moved away, either permanently or for a period of time, from where you grew up? If so, do you remember when you first went to college, or joined the military, or moved to a new town to start working? Part of you was likely apprehensive, but part of you was likely thrilled as well. And not just for the opportunity to DO something new, but for the opportunity to BE someone new. You were able to start cleanly and reinvent yourself if you wanted. It was easy because you had little to no friends or family in that new area. Resistance was not able to recruit local allies in its never ending war with your mind.
But what we’re talking about here is BEING someone NEW, without the luxury of a brand new circle of people. The Resistance’s allies are camped just outside the walls, and waiting to be enlisted.
So how do we beat those allies? It’s truly mindset, commitment, and action. Here are some tips that you can use:
- Recognition: Awareness is usually the first step in all solutions for the mind.
- Focus on your WHY daily. Make sure that the reason you are committed to your plan is healthy and righteous. By continuing to focus on it, you train your subconscious mind to believe to be possible.
- Lean on those that are supportive. Resistance will have some allies, but you likely will as well. Enlist them to fight on your side. Spend more time with them, and give them more of your time. Find people that are doing what you want, and get around them.
- Keep taking the action. The actions you are taking gain momentum, and ultimately result in you getting to where you desire. By focusing on the action itself, you keep your mind occupied with the doing.
A word of caution…You do need to check yourself occasionally, to ensure your path is noble and healthy. Those closest to you can be the best way to do that. Maybe all of the changes you have made are completely positive from your standpoint, but in reality, there has been a negative side effect of which you were unaware. You must look at this soberly, and decide if a change of direction is in order.
The bottom line is that if you keep taking ACTION, LEAN on those that are supportive, and FOCUS on your WHY, you can beat Resistance and its allies!
I hope this helped you in some way, and if so, please share it with others, and please connect with me. I would love to hear your thoughts and the experiences you’ve had as well.
Have a great day!
