Do These Things to Get You Started with a Clean Slate
A fresh start. A new beginning. Wipe the slate clean.
If you’re anything like me, sometimes you need a reset. A fresh start brings possibilities and helps purge the baggage renting space in my mind.
At the start of every year, I have good intentions of keeping up with everything. However, my reality is much messier, and throughout the year, stuff starts to build up. The email inbox grows. The snail mail bin accumulates things that aren’t critical to handle now, but I can’t ignore. The little $5-15 subscriptions and monthly fees get lost. And I can no longer keep up with all the podcast episodes that I couldn’t live without a few months ago.
I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, and you shouldn’t either. I’ve found a helpful end-of-the-year or beginning-of-the-year cleanup routine that helps me start the new year fresh.
Many of the things I address here build up throughout the year due to automation. Automation has many benefits, but the downside is loss of control. It just happens — automatically.
But here you are at the beginning of a New Year. Now’s the perfect time to take control.
You can use these five simple cleanups to start the year right and save some money along the way. I don’t sit down and do them all at once because of the time involved. Instead, I use the months of December and January and fit these tasks into the cracks so they’re not overwhelming.
Unsubscribe
Approximate time: 1-2 hours over a couple of weeks
That birthday present you bought from the boutique online retailer put you on their email list. Now you’re getting daily “Don’t Miss This Deal!!” messages from them. That free recipe guide you downloaded in July from the BBQ guy? Now you’re getting “Special Offers” from him twice a week. Your podcast library and YouTube channel are cluttered with episodes that you may have been interested in 8 months ago but now are just in the way of finding what you want.
The simple solution is to unsubscribe from most (maybe all) email lists, podcasts, and YouTube channels.
Over the span of a couple of weeks, I unsubscribed from 87 email lists, 12 podcasts, and 13 YouTube channels. I can already feel the weight lifted from my shoulders.
Be ruthless with your unsubscribing. You don’t need 99% of what is currently coming to you automatically. I’m starting the year subscribed to three email lists, four podcasts, and one youtube channel.
Unsubscribe from all retailers and marketers and any blogs or newsletters you don’t read immediately and regularly. Even the ones you read periodically at one time but now are just piling up on the backlog. You won’t go back. Just unsubscribe.
Note that marketing emails are different from account updates. If you unsubscribe from their marketing list, don’t worry about missing important emails from providers, such as your bank or utility company.
Unsubscribe and turn off notifications to all podcasts and YouTube channels that you haven’t listened to or watched in a month. If you’ve let them sit for that long, you’re not missing anything. And remember, you can always go back.
Inbox Zero
Approximate time: 1 – 8 hours
The empty email inbox is nirvana. It’s a virtual pat on the back that tells me I have taken care of the things I needed to and am ready for what’s next. However, by the end of the year, my various inboxes accumulate hundreds (1000’s?) of shrapnel emails just sitting there.
The younger me was on top of my email inbox, and I ended each day with inbox zero. But that was in a time where I had a single work email address and a single personal email address. Now I live in a world where I have two email addresses for my day job, three side-project addresses, and three personal addresses (one of which is a burner).
I’ve had to give up daily inbox zero, and honestly, I love it.
Daily inbox zero has become counterproductive and emotionally taxing. With modern email clients’ excellent searching capabilities, it’s also no longer necessary.
However, I like to start the year with a clean inbox, as it adds to the fresh start feeling and gives me an opportunity (and kick in the butt) to handle a few things that I’ve been putting off.
You may feel overwhelmed because you have 1000’s of emails across your various inboxes, and they’re full of stuff you don’t want to lose.
Don’t worry, because most of what you think you can’t lose can be found or recovered elsewhere. In fact, I’ve found the only type of messages that I need to save are:
Personal correspondence
Important external work correspondence (I delete ALL internal work “conversations”)
Correspondence with your providers such as insurance, bank, etc
Order and purchase receipts and related correspondence (for example, a warranty discussion, etc)
Go through your inbox and move these messages to saved folders. For everything else, delete it.
Don’t stop till the inbox is at zero.
Cancel Deadbeat Recurring Premium Subscriptions
Approximate time: 30-60 min
Remember that 90-day free trial? Or the $1 to get started for a month deal? You signed up for Showtime to watch Billions, but you binged it six months ago and haven’t watched Showtime since?
Right, me too. Don’t pay any attention to your friend who judges you for “not being on top of it.”
It’s not unusual for me to accrue $30-$80 in monthly recurring revenue subscriptions that I no longer want or need by the year’s end.
Sometimes I simply forget. Other times I’m too lazy or feel some kind of weird shame to cancel. I get it.
These little recurring gremlins get you on two fronts. Not only do they needlessly eat away at your bank account, but they weigh on your mind as well.
The first step to cancellation and freedom is to find them, which can be harder than it should be. You will need a little investigative work in a few different areas, but it won’t take long if you know where to start. To do so:
Start with your last 90 days of bank and credit card statements and identify all transactions you see each month. The transaction list never lies.
Do the same for any “online-only” accounts, such as Venmo and PayPal.
Apple and Google make this fairly simple for recurring subscriptions through their services, so start there.
Streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Max can be purchased directly or through a bundle provider like AT&T or Verizon. If you’ve purchased directly through the service, go to their website to cancel it. If through a bundle provider like AT&T, go to your provider account to cancel.
You may have to do some research for all others, but luckily Google helps find unknown service charge names.
Snail Mail Bin
Approximate time: 30 min – 2 hours
I have all essential monthly bills, such as mortgage and utilities on autopay, but my mail bin is full by the end of the year. I’ve accumulated a pile of stuff that I meant to look at or didn’t have a place to file or time to handle, or just plain didn’t know what to do with it.
This is what it looked like when I started my cleanup:
Snail Mail Bin Disaster
The first step that I take with this mess is to sort it into three piles:
Take action now
File
Trash
Be absolutely ruthless with the “trash” pile. If you’re not sure if you should keep something, don’t. That little pang of doubt reminds you that you’ll be better off without it. Do this pile first. Burn it, shred it, or just toss it right in the can.
Take a breath.
Now work on the “file” pile. Whatever method of filing you use, now is the time to get these lingering papers files and your filing system cleaned up from a year of neglect.
My filing method includes two sets of filing cabinets. One is my active set of files and lives in my office. The other I call cold storage and lives in my basement. The active files are for everything I know I will be receiving during the year — medical, taxes, school, etc. Cold storage is for everything that is now history. By the end of the year, I have several active files that can move to cold storage, so I do it now.
Take another breath.
Time to tackle the “take action now” pile. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. Start making calls and sending emails. For example, I had a 4-month old letter from my car manufacturer indicating a recall on my car. Therefore, I called the dealer and scheduled my appointment.
You’ve done it, and now you’re all caught up.
Throw Out the Garbage Food and Drink
Approximate time: 15 min
Start the new year fresh by dumping the piles of unfresh crap from your pantry.
By year-end, my pantry is full of stuff I shouldn’t be eating and drinking. Thanksgiving through the New Year celebration always results in a pantry full of crap — snacks for parties, partially used jars and bags, tins of cookies, bottles of sugary and colorful liquids for fancy drinks, etc.
Don’t let the guilt of sunk cost fallacy blow your health. You’ve already bought it. It served its purpose. It’s time to chuck it. All of it.
“I spent good money on this. I don’t want to waste it.” No, you didn’t. You spent shit money on shit you know you shouldn’t be eating and drinking. The money is spent and gone. Now throw the shit out and clean the slate.
Willpower is overrated. Your willpower didn’t win in December, and it won’t win in February. But this problem is easily overcome by using your environment to your advantage. Disciplined people are smart about using their environment. Use your environment to your advantage by getting rid of the stuff you shouldn’t be eating and drinking.
Grab the trash can and start chuckin. Don’t finish the opened bag of Doritos, and don’t save the four cans of Coke. Chuck it all.
Now You Can Start the New Year Fresh
Nice work. Take the win and pat yourself on the back for being ready to start the new year fresh.
Starting the year with a clean slate is not only a great feeling but provides tangible benefits to your bank account.
Now it’s time you got started accumulating stuff for the New Year.
Spoiler Alert: This isn’t an article about the physical health benefits of intermittent fasting. This is an article about what the experiment taught me about mindset, habits, discipline, and the secret to making changes in your life.
I like to perform little experiments on myself, specifically to get myself out of my comfort zone. The older I get, and the larger my comfort zone becomes, the more important I believe this practice is.
Given the recent cultural interest in intermittent fasting, I chose this as an experiment. However, my purpose wasn’t to try a new fad diet, nor do I think this is a silver bullet to longevity, weight loss, mental focus, or any of the myriad supposed benefits.
I chose it because I knew it would be hard for me. Eating breakfast is a habit that I’ve had for my entire life of over 50 years. Doing hard things gets us out of our comfort zone, and this was about getting out of my comfort zone and experiencing those benefits.
The Data and Details — What I Did
Several styles of intermittent fasting are in vogue right now, but I chose the “time-restricted eating” style, specifically the 16:8 method. With this method, you restrict your calories to an 8-hour window and fast for 16.
I didn’t ease into it or use some plan to help me get there. I dove right in on day 1.
I did not attempt to achieve ketogenesis, nor did I change what I was eating. All I did was restrict my hours of caloric intake to roughly 12-8 pm. I ate my first meal of the day after my mid-day workout.
I kept score, which is a powerful mind hack that I’ve used before and that you should use for whatever you are trying to achieve. Keeping score helps you accurately assess the progress you’ve made (or haven’t made). We often underestimate how far we’ve come and continue to focus on the ground yet to travel. Keeping score brings progress to the forefront of our awareness. I kept a tally on my whiteboard, like scratching off days in prison or stranded on an uninhabited island.
Here is my scoreboard after 60 days:
Keeping Score
The red slash days were when I went off plan and had breakfast — on purpose. But I did that as a conscious choice because my wife and I were having breakfast together. I did NOT break down and eat breakfast because I was hungry or couldn’t take it anymore. I chose to have breakfast on those days, regardless of my state of hunger in the moment. I chose to have breakfast 9 of the 60 days. That’s 15%. Yes, a bit high.
The slashes with the asterisks (*) above them indicate the especially difficult days. Those days I almost quit, and I had to talk myself out of it. And I did. Each and every one of them. Keeping score helped me make the right choice.
Fun Fact: On the very last day of this experiment, I started to prep for a colonoscopy. All clear, thank you very much.
My Breakfast Habit Cycle
I’m 52, and I’ve always eaten breakfast in the morning. Nature? Nurture? Regardless, I’m a breakfast guy. That’s why this was an intriguing experiment for me.
Charles Duhigg describes the three steps of the habit cycle as follows:
From Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit
In my case, the cue is hunger originating from the time of day, although other factors such as my environment and morning routine are probably contributors. The routine is eating breakfast, and the reward is hunger satisfied.
Duhigg describes the method for breaking a habit or forming a new one as interrupting the cycle in one or more of the three steps. Since I can’t control time, nor could I effectively make myself feel full, my strategy focused on replacing the routine of eating with something else. Could I find a practice that stifled the hunger or at least distracted me?
Why 60 Days?
I chose 60 days for a couple of reasons:
I knew it would be hard for me.
Sixty seemed a reasonable length to evaluate whether or not I had adjusted to this habit. Recent research seems to debunk the old “21-days to a new you” habit BS. The data is all over the map and is dependent upon context, mindset, and who you are. I chose 60.
What Didn’t Happen
I didn’t lose any weight. I didn’t feel more focused. I didn’t live longer than I would have otherwise (as far as I know). But neither did I suffer any low blood sugar attacks or feel weak, sluggish, or agitated.
I never got past the hunger pangs during the morning. Even at the end, I still felt the hunger cue.
What I Noticed
I focused on changing my routine rather than trying to convince myself I wasn’t hungry. Part of the plan was drinking tea when I felt hungry, and I already knew from past experience that keeping myself mentally or physically busy would help me temporarily forget my hunger.
But yes, it took discipline. Getting into a flow state helped, or meetings, as did exercising, but sometimes it was freakin hard. On those days, I just had to decide that I would stick to the plan and push ahead with work.
I experienced the hunger pangs each day. Was that because I chose to break the cycle a few days? A fair question and I don’t know the answer.
(side note — banish the words and concepts of “cheating” and “rewards” from your mind. Acknowledge that you are making a decision, keep it above board, and be OK with the consequences. The cheat/reward mindset makes you a victim and keeps you stuck in the yo-yo loop forever.)
Even though my hunger didn’t subside, I did notice that the discipline of staying on track got easier the farther I got into it. The hard day in the last week was much easier than the hard day in the beginning, and I didn’t need to convince myself nearly as often. I attribute that to knowing what to expect and keeping score.
I exercise at lunchtime five or six days a week. I continued during the experiment, so my first time eating for the day was after my workout. I was worried that I might feel lethargic or have a low-blood sugar episode. But I felt perfectly fine and energetic for these workouts (strength, running, cycling). In fact, the training helped squelch the hunger feeling.
I probably ate more for lunch than usual, although I didn’t keep track.
What I Learned
Experiments outside of your comfort zone are the perfect learning tool. Here is what I learned from this experiment.
I Can Do It, So Can You
I don’t mean “I can do intermittent fasting, and so can you.” Who cares about that?
I mean, “I can change a habit that has been ingrained in my routine for 50+ years.”
To be honest, I wasn’t so sure.
Making Changes Takes Will and A Plan
I made the decision to commit, then created a plan. My plan when the hunger hit was to grab some tea and get busy doing something. Then, at 11 or 12, do the workout. Eating didn’t happen until the workout was complete.
Somedays, I couldn’t shake the hunger, so I leaned on my scorekeeping to remind myself of how far I’d come. The workout always, without fail, helped me forget about the hunger pangs.
Making Changes Starts With Mindset But Happens With Action
Mindset is the genesis of all change, but no change happens without taking the appropriate actions. So many times, I’ve failed to launch or complete, not because I needed more information, but because I failed to take appropriate action.
Gaining knowledge is a comfort zone activity. You have no exposure to emotional danger by taking in new information. The change happens, i.e., the learning, when you take that step out onto the high wire and start putting one foot in front of the other.
In this experiment, I learned to live with the hunger pangs and what types of activities, mental and physical, helped alleviate them.
Changing Habits is About Repetitions, Not Length of Time
The most powerful realization for me was that I could manage the hunger mentally even when I couldn’t suppress it physically. This surprised me.
My confidence grew over the sixty days because of the number of times I did it. The physical feeling of discomfort slowly moved into my mental comfort zone with repetition. My brain was able to say, “OK, been there, done that before. I know what to expect.”
What’s Next and Will I Continue with Intermittent Fasting?
Although I wouldn’t necessarily call intermittent fasting a new habit of mine, I now know I am fully capable of not eating till mid-day. And that includes exercise and whatever other activities I’ve scheduled for that morning.
Although I didn’t feel any specific benefits, I’ve found that I like not eating breakfast as a general rule because I like the control. I also like eating breakfast intentionally for social and relationship benefits.
But the main thing I learned from this experiment was once again, getting out of my comfort zone pays dividends.
When I was in 4th or 5th grade (late 70’s), our class took a field trip to a local museum. I don’t remember anything about the museum except a diorama featuring native Americans. What I do remember, however, is this was the field trip that got me banned from further elementary school field trips.
The reason? Running around.
What about the countless times I got in trouble at a wedding, or my parent’s work picnic, or Church, or some endless banquet dinner?
The same. Running around.
Running is what I did as a kid, and you probably did as well because kids run around as much as possible. It’s what they do.
Whether you were a big kid, or small, or fast, or slow, or athletic, or not, a boy, or a girl, whether you lived in the city, suburbia, or the country — you ran around.
Just about all play that I can recall involved running, and not just sports and game-related play.
Play such as hot wheels (push the car down the track, run to retrieve it); board games (run to the basement to get the game, run back to get it set up); Legos (build the spaceship and then run around with it); building forts (run to get the materials, run back). All of it.
How many sets of stairs did you walk up as a kid? How about hills? None. You ran them all.
So why aren’t you still out there running around? Because you’ve lost the connection to your child self.
The Runner’s High and Connection To Your Child Self
I’ve read and heard talk of the runner’s high (endorphins? endocannabinoids? bullshit?). Some call it flow. Many say it shows up mid-run or towards the end after a particular time or distance. Some feel it almost right away.
The best description I’ve read comes from Rich Roll’s extraordinary memoir “Finding Ultra.” He describes a particular moment on his recovery and running journey in which he felt free.
“…time folded in on itself as I seemingly lost all conscious thought, the only sound that of my easy breath and legs pumping effortlessly beneath me. I recall later thinking, this must be what it means to meditate. I mean really meditate…”
Rich Roll, Finding Ultra
Wow, that is beautiful, but I’ve not experienced it that same way, and you may not either. I can’t recall one time where my legs were pumping effortlessly beneath me.
I have, however, experienced a profound joy, which for me, is that runner’s high. I believe that joy springs not only from the connection of my body to my mind but also, and more importantly, of my current self to my child self. It’s not about feeling or acting younger. I do NOT feel younger or like a child, and most times, something hurts, and I’m gasping. But I feel a connection to my younger self, and that connection brings me joy.
Are you ready to get started and feel this connection yourself?
How to Get Started — Stop Training for An Event and Start Training for Life
I won’t deny the usefulness of an event on the calendar to jumpstart a plan or keep you on track. But that’s not what we’re doing here. This isn’t an article about sport-specific or event training. This is an article about getting out and running around.
When you were a kid and saw a curb, what did you do? You ran along it to see how far you could get before falling off.
If you saw a hill, what did you do? You ran up it just because it was there.
How many sets of steps did you walk up as a kid? None. You ran every single one, even if that set of steps led up to your bedroom and the dreaded bedtime.
If you don’t believe me, watch your kids, or recall when they were young. They run too. Even in this age of 3-year olds glued to iPads. They run.
Step one in getting started is to stop thinking of running as exercise activity and start integrating it into your life routine.
Don’t worry about pace or distance or that infernal “smart” gadget on your wrist. Just get started.
When to Run?
Let’s use our child self as a guide.
Just like elementary school recess, I’ve found the best time for me to run is at lunch or mid-day. That’s not a knock on all of you crack-of-dawn pavement pounders. I’ve been that guy, and I won’t deny the amazing feeling for the rest of the day once those miles are in the bag.
But there’s just something about that mid-day anticipation and release that is unbeatable. It gives me something to look forward to and then provides tangible mental benefits for an afternoon of work.
And by the way, yes, you have time at lunch to run. Liberate yourself and realize that you control your time, regardless of what type of work you do. Spend your lunchtime on you.
How Much Should You Run?
For God’s sake, do NOT search the internet for some scientific answer to this question. Please do not. Because the internet doesn’t have any clue what this answer is for you. Nor do doctors, trainers, or coaches.
You’re not looking for an answer about optimal physical benefits, a training plan, or how much is too much (believe me, you won’t get there).
How much should you run? As much as you damn-well want and as often as you want. It’s that simple. A 15-second sprint up the hill out back or a 10-mile grind. See it, commit and do it.
Running When Everything Hurts
Everyone, all the time, is afraid of getting hurt or making something worse, especially as we age. Way too worried.
Gasping and giving my knees a break between hill sprints.
We worry about our knees, shins, hamstrings, and even our hearts.
That’s The World talking and trying to gain your attention. The World’s mission is to steal your attention, and it does so by playing into your fears, like getting hurt. For some reason, fear attracts our minds like an august picnic attracts yellowjackets.
As I mentioned, when I run, I rarely feel physically fantastic. In fact, most times, I feel like maybe this isn’t a good idea.
The discomfort is tangible. I’m 52 with proximal hamstring tendinopathy on my left side and patellar tendinitis in both knees. My legs hurt when I run — always. I’ve found methods to manage those issues that help, but they hurt, and that’s not going to change. Yet, I decide to do it anyway for the joy.
You will need to make the same trade-off. Do you want the joy, or do you want to be comfortable?
Get Out and Run Around
Run around the house or up the street and back. Run up the stairs in your house or go for a five-mile journey.
Run some, walk some.
In the woods, around the park, up the creek, in the snow, in the rain, or in the sunshine.
I feel like God has given us the ability to run, so we should.
You’ve had it done to you, and I’ve had it done to me.
It’s the dreaded “See! I told you so! I was right!!” link bludgeon.
Don’t you love when a friend, to support his side of an argument, sends a link to a “helpful” article, video, or post that unequivocally proves his point with a bunch of data and scientific facts?
How does it make you feel?
How many times have you done it?
Has anyone ever changed their mind in this scenario?
Never.
But why not?
These are facts, aren’t they? Why doesn’t she believe the clear set of facts that I sent? Why am I so angry?
How should you handle this?
Here’s a hint: Don’t reply with your own “See! I told you so!” link bludgeon.
The Internet Agrees With You
Whenever we’re looking for proof of our argument, we naturally ask the internet because the internet has all the facts.
But this method has a subtle yet fundamental flaw — whatever your assertion of the facts, you’ll find confirmation.
Donald Trump was the worst president of all time. Here’s proof. Donald Trump was the best president of all time. Here’s proof.
Note: Follow the links above because…well…the internet is fun.
The sheer volume of available information and data presents both opportunity and challenge: The opportunity to have the facts but the challenge of interpretation.
The Bible is the OG
Link bludgeoning isn’t just an internet phenomenon.
“Because the Bible says so!”
Does it?
Before the internet, you could ask the Bible. It’s the original gangster of truth litigation. Theologians, church leaders, and laypeople have been using the Bible to prove their point for several thousand years, much like using the internet today.
God created the earth in seven days.
No, it was seven epochs.
No, that story is a poem, not history.
What does created mean?
Homosexuality is an abhorrent sin.
No, it’s is no worse than any other sin.
No, homosexuality isn’t a sin.
What is sin?
That’s not all, of course. Pick a different topic — gender roles, slavery, war, racism, morality and ethics, politics, property, parenting, dinner parties, business, physics. You can mine the Bible for justification of just about any side of any argument.
The Quest for Facts vs The Quest for Belonging
We humans have been arguing about the facts and using experts (scientists, theologians, doctors, etc.) and trusted third-party information (the internet, the Bible, Fox News, etc.) to prove our arguments for thousands of years.
But most of the time, we’re not interested in knowing the objective facts, especially if they might influence our opinion on a matter. Instead, we interpret facts to fit into the story of a particular social order we find appealing — we’re looking to defend our people. The connection to our people is our shared story.
Sometimes facts and belonging work in concert for us, and a big Kum Ba Ya follows.
But sometimes, they come into conflict. When they do, belonging wins out because social connection is more helpful to your daily life than the objective truth of a particular argument.
“We don’t always believe things because they are correct. Sometimes we believe things because they make us look good to the people we care about.”
James Clear
Understanding and then attempting to coalesce the stories of our different tribes is what leads to internal cognitive dissonance and external conflict. Therefore, we choose the story that resonates most with the people with whom we want to be associated.
When we do that, we sometimes ignore the facts.
Because Science
Our intense desire to belong to a tribe has commandeered the one endeavor committed to the quest for objective facts — science.
Somehow, the phrase “believe the science” and its evil cousins “the science says” and “because science” has entered our vernacular as if one could choose to believe in science or that science has a view or ontological power.
Scien-tists have a particular view on a matter — not science. Science has no view on anything.
Science is a term that describes the quest for knowledge, but we now wield it like it’s a religious order.
The quest for facts (i.e., science) requires inductive and deductive reasoning. This process’s core is a hypothesis (i.e., opinion) and then supporting data acquired through observation, experimentation, calculation, and reason.
The scientific quest results in conclusions, which are theories about the facts. Theories are interpretations of the data, and by definition, an interpretation is informed by the person who makes it.
Thus, all experts and scientists bring their humanity and perspective to the table when interpreting the data. Scientists, as humans, belong to a tribe, and that tribe has a story.
You got scientists, and I’ve got scientists. How do we know who’s right?
Discerning and trustworthy scientists know and embrace the questioning, at least to some degree, of what we think we know.
What is a Scientific Fact?
“A scientific fact is a repeatable careful observation or measurement (by experimentation or other means)…In the most basic sense, a scientific fact is an objective and verifiableobservation, in contrast with a hypothesis or theory, which is intended to explain or interpret facts.”
Wikipedia
Quite frankly, even with a definition, understanding a fact can be difficult.
It makes perfect sense that we struggle with “what is a fact?” We also struggle with “where are the facts in our story, and how do we interpret them, so they make sense in that story?”
This is the point at which our tribe and our story enter our process. Consider the following:
As I write this, I look out the window, beyond my front yard, to the Mennonite dairy farm across the street, presenting its beautiful spring-time patchwork of green and brown pastures. Cows graze lazily in the field about 200 yards from where I sit.
The dairy farm presents a collection of scientific facts. For example, the farm exists (assuming no simulation). It encompasses a specific land area with a particular number of cows producing a measurable amount of milk and greenhouse gasses. The milk provides food to families, and from the farm’s business, the farmer generates a measurable income and contributes a measurable amount to the local economy.
But with dairy farming, as with most of what we argue about, it’s not the facts that we’re debating. Instead, we get muddled in interpreting the collection of facts to assign meaning based on our story and tribe associations.
For example, is the dairy farm across the street good or bad?
One tribe would say it’s good. Dairy farming is a noble and useful vocation — an engine for the rural community. Its output is a necessary and efficient means for feeding families and contributing to the local economy.
Another tribe would hesitate to call it good unless the farmers follow particular practices. Are the farmers using hormones with the animals or pesticides in the field? What is the feed? Are the cows spending enough time in the field? How is the milk processed once it is collected?
A third tribe would say dairy farming is terrible. Humans should not be consuming meat nor dairy products under any circumstance. Dairy farming is destructive to the animals and the local environment and contributes significantly to global warming.
People from each tribe could rightly argue that “the science says” dairy farming is good, or that dairy farming is good under certain conditions, or that dairy farming is bad.
Whichever group you belong to, you can ask the internet, and you’ll find evidence that you’re right. I did that to find the links above.
However, the “goodness” or “badness” of the dairy farm is not a fact. It’s a story. Each tribe takes the same collection of facts and interprets them to align with their story.
Facts Can Change Over Time
No, they can’t. Not actual facts.
What does change, however, is our understanding of the facts.
As time goes on, our knowledge and perspective progress. Technology, instrumentation, and thought progress, which allow (and sometimes forces) us to re-evaluate what we know to be fact.
Aristotle’s physics was fact until Galileo came along. Galileo’s physics was fact until Newton came along. Newton’s physics was fact until Einstein came along. And so on.
What’s really happening here? Are the facts changing?
Of course not. What’s changing is our understanding and interpretation of the facts.
We don’t yet know the full set of facts that define the physics of our universe, yet physicists continue to make assertions. Thank God they do. We’d be absolutely nowhere if we only made assertions once we knew the entire set of facts.
That’s how our collective knowledge progresses — making assertions and then testing and debating those assertions. This is the scientific process.
Assertions coupled with the passage of time and hindsight are powerful fact-finding tools.
Facts Can Depend on Context, Conditions, and Perspective
Understanding the relativity of facts is critical to finding common ground in arguments.
For example, here on earth, I’m 5′ 9″ tall and weigh 170 pounds. On the moon, I’m still 5′ 9″ tall, but now I weigh 28.1 pounds. My weight is a function of local gravity, but my height is not (ok, ok…there is some relative effect of gravity on height).
Consider two people sitting across from each other with a just-rolled die between them on the table. Now ask the question, “what number is facing you?” Each person’s answer will be factually correct but different from the other.
July is mid-summer in Philly but mid-winter in Sydney.
Noon in New York is midnight in Beijing.
Christmas for the Smith family is Santa and reindeer, but it’s Jesus for the Jones family, and for the Wilson family, it’s December 25th.
Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control the news, your friends, social media, nor the internet at large.
You also can’t control the facts.
You can, however, control how you apply the facts to your thought process and the empathy with which you seek other sides to the story.
Know What is a Fact
Are we even talking about a fact?
Is it measurable or directly observable? If I measure it and you measure it, will we get the same value?
Have we gathered enough data?
Is it relative to a different situation, environment, or context?
Know Thyself (Know Your Story)
Specifically, know your emotional connection to your argument as well as your perspective.
You want to be right. I also want to be right. And we both want to fit in with our tribes because, let’s face it, we expose ourselves to emotional danger as outsiders.
Emotions can be conniving, and stories are powerful.
Be aware of the story you tell yourself and how it intersects with the facts. We will likely find confirmation of our rightness when we search for it on the internet (or Bible).
Start with a look in the mirror rather than a Google search.
Practice Aggressive Empathy (Know the Other’s Story)
Rigorously seek an understanding of the other person’s story.
Perspective matters. Personal history and experience matter, as does one’s tribe.
Diversity of perspective is a critical component of solving problems and assessing an argument, so embrace it rather than shy away from it.
Do your best to walk in another’s shoes. Argue it from the other side.
The internet has turned into a paradoxical universe wherein the opinions and perspectives of all sides are readily available. Yet, we continue to focus our consumption more narrowly than ever (i.e., on the voices that agree with us).
This is partially due to social media algorithms’ insatiable desire for more eyeballs, engagement, and clicks.
But not all of it.
We often look specifically for third-party confirmation of what we already believe so that we can use that confirmation as an “I told you so” bludgeon.
Find the other side’s story, and your empathy will grow.
How to Respond — A Better Way
There are two productive ways for you to respond:
Ignore (i.e., don’t react)
Seek common ground through the intersection of your story and your friend’s story
Don’t overlook the ignore approach because it can be effective and empathic. It’s certainly more effective than returning fire with your own “See! I told you so!” link bludgeon.
However, if you want to respond, find common ground and start from there. To find that common ground, you will need to know what is a fact, know your story and connection to your tribe, and empathically try to find the other’s story and connection to their tribe.
I used the dairy farm story purposefully because you’ll find yourself in one of the three tribes.
Which tribe are you?
If you and I were arguing about the “goodness” of a farm, I would start with “what is our common tribe?”
Could we find common ground on the benefits of farming in general, or that farming is a noble vocation? What about the benefits of a local and healthy food supply? Maybe we can agree that chemical companies and pesticides are bad news. It could be as trivial as we both enjoy the beauty of a dairy farm.
Once you’ve established common ground, you can productively approach discussing the facts that support your side of the deeper argument. And yes, maybe provide a link to a source that has persuaded you.
The bottom line is that raw facts rarely persuade unless and until you find common ground and develop empathy.
The facts are the facts (and the science is the science), but the interpretation of those facts into a story supporting a tribe is not that simple. The next time you get the link bludgeon or are tempted to send the link bludgeon, find common ground through empathy and start from there.
Become a Better Leader, Entrepreneur, Parent, Spouse, and Human By Learning How to Operate Outside Your Comfort Zone
Become a better and happier human by becoming more comfortable!!
That’s The World’s greatest sales pitch. The World sells comfort to us because we buy it. It certainly works on me because, let’s face it — I love being comfortable.
But I know better, and so do you.
I know that to grow, get better, and ultimately be more satisfied with my life, I have to push the boundary of my comfort zone. I know this because I’ve experienced it. I can see how my comfort zone has shaped my journey, both for the good and bad. I blame my comfort zone for both my highest successes and lowest failures.
You know this as well because your comfort zone has shaped your journey. You can see the signposts along the path where you excelled because you were growing outside of your comfort zone — you got the job, got the girl, got the client, got the win. You can also see those times where you shrunk and failed.
And as we get older, our comfort zone gains appeal because it’s more accessible and larger. We’ve spent time, money, and energy throughout our life building our comfort zone. This accessibility that we’ve created is why it’s even more important to practice getting out of it.
No matter your age, both opportunities and crises are yet to come. You can count on it. If you’re not regularly practicing outside of your comfort zone, how will you handle them?
“The comfort zone is a behavioral state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviors to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.”
Judith Bardwick
Your comfort zone is a personal space, and it weaves throughout your entire personal and professional life. Like an amoeba, you change its shape by pushing its boundaries. The less you push, the more it atrophies and shrinks. You know when you’ve reached its boundary because you feel that twinge of resistance and heightened anxiety. Sometimes it’s slight, and sometimes it’s a big red flashing light.
The less you practice, the easier it is to turn away from that feeling — to shrink. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to embrace it and grow.
The great news is that it’s easy to practice getting out of your comfort zone with low-stakes and low-risk activities. Regularly practicing with low-stakes exercises gets you ready for when the stakes are high.
This is a list of both physical and emotional low-stakes activities.
The object isn’t to complete the list because your comfort zone is yours. Some of these things will be squarely inside your current comfort zone. Pick the things that are uncomfortable to you.
They are all designed to make you feel that slight twinge that makes your heart beat a bit faster and makes you want to walk in the other direction.
Think of magnets. When turned in one direction, they repel each other rather than attract. That’s the feeling for which you’re going. If it feels repellent, go towards it rather than away from it.
Each of these exercises is low-stakes with no actual risk other than to your ego, and you should be doing them every day.
Easy “dip your toe in the water” exercises. You have to start somewhere, and the best place to start is with low or no commitment exercises like these. They will force you into a very mild physical or emotional state of discomfort. Some are solo acts, while others will get people to notice you.
Take a cold shower
Skip a meal
Smile, make eye contact and say “Hi” to a stranger on the street or in the elevator
Overdress or underdress for an event
Grow a beard or mustache or shave the one you have
Change your hairstyle
Color your hair differently than normal
Let your natural hair color grow out
Ask for directions (instead of using the GPS)
Take a different route or the long way
Comment on a social media post
Post something original (i.e., not shared or reposted) on social media
Stand at the edge on top of something tall (building, cliff, bridge, etc.)
Park on the other side of the parking lot.
Take the stairs.
Ride your bike or walk to the store
Wear a cowboy hat (unless you’re in Texas)
Cook for someone else
Garden without gloves on
Hang from a bar for one minute
Sit in silence for five minutes
Sit in the middle of the row
Skip the news, weather, and financial reports for a day
Order something that you have never tried from the menu
Turn your video on for the Zoom meeting
Wear your glasses in public
Take public transportation
Take a different class at the gym
Wake up at 5am
Pay for the person behind you in line (coffee, breakfast, etc.)
Volunteer as the audience participant
Sit on the floor
Sit in a different spot at the dinner table
Sit in the front row
Moving Forward Exercises
Now you’re getting serious. These exercises ratchet up the discomfort level or place a brighter spotlight on you, and many require a commitment. The commitment may be financial, or time, or to other people.
Buy the bike or running shoes, or get the gym membership.
Start a conversation with the person next to you on the airplane, or train, or bus.
Compliment a stranger
Write and publish an article that has your thoughts about a particular subject. Take a side, defend a position, tell a personal story, etc.
Publish a live video on social media about your thoughts on a particular subject
Attend a local networking group meeting
Attend a network marketing meeting
Attend a meetup event
Take an art class
Take a cooking class
Join a book club
Send an email to a former coworker
Send an email to a former boss
Send an email to a friend you haven’t spoken to in over a year
Send an email to a virtual mentor
Play devil’s advocate in a discussion or meeting
Serve at a soup kitchen
Exercise outside in the cold and/or rain
Do a polar bear plunge
Read a personal development book
Offer and help a stranger carry the groceries to the car
Keep a journal
Go out to a meal by yourself (“Table for one, please”)
Run or walk over a tall bridge
Do a week of intermittent fasting
Travel by a different means (train, plane, bus, etc)
Attend a worship service of a different faith
Walk up to the girl or guy and ask her/him on a date
Turn off the news for a week
Delete Facebook/Instagram/Twitter for a week.
Give up coffee for a week
Leave your phone at home
Plan and host a dinner party for which you make all of the food
Jump into the pool, pond, or lake with your street clothes on
Force You To Grow Exercises
Now you’re all in. This is where you grow. These exercises strike directly at personal fear and discomfort, perspective, skill development, and commitment. Some might even cause you to question your core beliefs.
Sign up and pay for the powerlifting meet, triathlon, 5k, marathon, Spartan Race, etc.
Find a speaking engagement (or join toastmasters)
Publish live or YouTube videos for 30 consecutive days
Publish articles for 30 consecutive days
Get on stage at an open mic or storytelling event.
Say “yes” to a network marketing opportunity
Find a mentoring client (It doesn’t need to be a paying client)
Fast for a day
Sign up and pay for a weekly art class
Sign up and pay for a weekly cooking class
Audition for community theater
Send emails to virtual mentors or heros every day for 30 days
Coach a sport for kids (not your own)
Go on a week-long volunteer mission trip
Go on a week-long silent retreat
Travel to a country that speaks a different language
Bungee jump or skydive
Try being an Uber driver, Door Dash deliverer, or Instacart shopper
Take on a home improvement project for which you will do 100% of the work
Do 100 push-ups (or pull-ups, or air squats, or sit-ups, etc.) every day for 30 days
Pick a lifestyle diet/plan and stick to it for a month
Interview for a new job (without needing a new job)
Wake up at 5am for a month
Read the essential or central religious text from a different faith (i.e., the Qur’an, Bible, Book of Mormon, Vedas, Tibetan Book of the Dead, etc.)
Take a 15-minute ice bath
Volunteer to lead a community event
“Adopt” someone at the skilled nursing facility and visit them regularly
Schedule and pay for the bucket list adventure
Turn off your smartphone for an entire week
Request a meeting/lunch/call with someone with whom you are feuding
Build your own website
Write a personal memoir book
Fill an entire room in your house with your own artwork
Give away or otherwise get rid of everything in your attic or basement storage
Start practicing today because you know that both opportunities and crises are coming. When you’ve practiced outside your comfort zone, you’ll be ready.
And Why the “Doing Your Best is Always Enough” Myth Might Be Killing Your Success
The toxic positivity movement, growing over recent years from parents to tee-ball coaches to life coaches, will tell you otherwise.
The movement will tell you that your best is always good enough.
Unfortunately, that’s a lie, and until you realize it, you’re likely to remain stuck and mediocre. Believing your best is always good enough leads to entitlement, ego-centricity, self-sabotage, depression, mediocrity, and lack of awareness.
Your best may be good enough, but not always, so let’s stop saying it is.
Athletes know this. Doctors (and patients) know this. American Idol contestants know this. Entrepreneurs and corporate leaders know this.
And you know this because you’ve experienced it. Even when you did your best, you lost the game, lost the girl, got laid off, got divorced, gained weight, didn’t get the award, or lost the promotion.
Here’s what to do when your best isn’t good enough.
Why Doing Your Best Might Not Be Good Enough
Your best may not be good enough for one of several reasons:
You can’t control external results and outcomes. Your book didn’t resonate with the publisher. Your sales pitch didn’t hit home. Your voice didn’t connect with the audience. Your company has shut down your project.
What you are trying to do has an objective measuring stick, and you didn’t measure up. The boat sank, the bombs missed, you can’t lift the weight, your test score wasn’t high enough, you didn’t meet the deadline, you missed the shot, or you didn’t hit the sales quota.
Others were better. You scored fewer goals, you ran slower, your product (or marketing) wasn’t as good, or your offer was less.
Sometimes the reason is objective, and sometimes it’s relative, but you’re best is not always good enough.
We’re Really Talking About Failure And What You Do With It
“The difference between average people and achieving people is their perception of and response to…failure.”
– John Maxwell, Failing Forward
You have given your best effort and failed. So what? So have I, and it’ll happen again. Why deny it or pussy-foot around it?
Telling yourself that it was good enough (when it wasn’t) lets you off the hook, but success comes from being on the hook.
The real question is, what have you done with these past failures, and what will do you with future failures?
Lord knows I’ve failed, and sometimes those failures led to future successes, and sometimes they led…nowhere. When I look back on failures in situations where I gave my best effort, I can see two paths:
The failure showed me where I needed to improve and that I could improve and find a path to success — ie, I could improve upon my current best effort.
The failure showed me that my best would never be good enough or that this was not the path for me. This leads to a decision — accept it or abandon it. Both of these are perfectly reasonable outcomes (yes, sometimes you should quit).
It was never helpful to complain about fairness, moan about the system, or cry foul.
What To Do When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough
I now approach all failure from the context of focusing on what I can control. What can I control when my best isn’t good enough?
When my best isn’t good enough, I ask myself the following:
Was this my best?
Sometimes I don’t have to go any further because a truthful assessment of my performance reveals that I haven’t given my best.
Showing up is not the same as giving it your best. Showing up is essential, but don’t confuse “I showed up” with “I did my best.”
I owned and managed college student housing for several years. During my last couple of years of ownership, I started having trouble finding tenants.
At first, I blamed the university and the system, and the students. But after some soul searching, I realized that I was no longer giving it my best effort. I became complacent in marketing, networking, and keeping the units in tip-top shape, and it showed up in my results.
You probably can’t give it your best every time. I certainly can’t, so if I failed and this truly wasn’t my best effort, then I don’t need to go any further to know what I have to do next time.
Why wasn’t my best good enough?
Maybe I wasn’t focused on the right thing, or I need more practice, training, skill development, or different team members.
I analyze and find the why. This diagnosis shows me what I need to improve.
I worked with a direct sales company for a while, and I had very little success, even though I was giving it my best effort. I wasn’t good enough at sales skills, social media skills, people skills, nor organization. To have success in that business, I needed to improve in those areas.
A proper diagnosis is essential.
Is it worth pursuing to get better?
Honestly, sometimes quitting is the best approach. Quitting the wrong things faster is a quicker path to success. Quitting means you’re not afraid to experiment, and experimentation is how you find what is worth your time and effort.
The World tries to teach us that winners never quit and quitters never win. Eight billion inspirational Instagram posts can’t be wrong, can they?
In my direct sales experience, I looked at a day in the life of people who were having success in this field, and I realized I didn’t want to become them because I didn’t want their day. Getting better at direct sales skills wasn’t worth it because I’m not interested in what success in that field brings with it. I can’t picture myself as one of them.
In contrast, I feel the opposite about writing, and therefore, I’m pursuing writing skill development in earnest. When I look at a day in successful writers’ lives, I’m inspired, and I can picture myself there.
Perseverance and grit will be needed, but recognizing when quitting is the best approach is a superpower.
How can I get better?
Once I’ve determined what needs improving and that it’s worth it, I look at how I can improve my current best.
Do I need to train more or differently? Is it time to focus on developing a new or different skill? Is my comfort zone the problem? Do I need to push through and persevere in a particular area?
The first time I ran a ten-mile race, my goal was to finish in the top 25% of my age group. On race day, I gave my best but finished closer to the 50% mark. For my second ten-miler, I used a specific training plan to improve my speed and finished in the top 15% of my age group. I gave my best effort in both races, but I learned how to train differently to improve my best.
Analysis plus experimentation helps me figure out how to improve.
Can I change the game?
Maybe I don’t need to get better. Maybe I should change the rules or my objectives.
When I was a first-time manager of a software development team, I struggled with a team member who wasn’t contributing. I couldn’t keep him on track, keep him engaged, nor make him productive. Through some experimentation, I found a method that worked — micromanagement of his entire day. But that created a new set of problems. Namely, I was exhausted, hated my life, and the rest of the team suffered for it.
So I changed the rules and my objective. I pulled him out of the core team and gave him a small side-project he could develop himself. Although I had found a “best-effort” that allowed him to contribute (i.e., micromanagement), the price was too high, so I let go of the objective of his contribution to the team.
This experience taught me about the type of people with whom I work best, and now I build my teams accordingly. I don’t need to get better at micromanagement. I need to build teams of people who don’t require micromanagement. And when I’m given the opportunity to lead teams of the “wrong” type, I turn it down.
Stop believing the hype. Sometimes your best isn’t good enough, but it doesn’t have to be. You just need to know what to do when it isn’t.
A Simple Fix To Take Control of Your Time and Boost Your Productivity
“The difference between technology and slavery is that slaves are fully aware that they are not free.”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
One of my favorite scenes from the movie Up is when Carl and Russel first meet Dug, the talking dog. As Dug regales Carl and Russel with his magical greetings, he stops mid-sentence, spins his head sharply to the left, and shouts, “Squirrel!” Everything pauses for a few seconds, and then Dug spins his head back to Carl and resumes talking like nothing happened. Literally, like the pause never occurred.
Pay close attention the next time you’re at lunch with a friend. You and he will do the same thing, but with your smartphone or watch. You’ll be mid-sentence, feel the buzz, grab the phone, answer the text message or respond to the comment, and then attempt to pick up the conversation right where you left it (but you can’t, right?).
What the heck just happened?
We are Dug, and the dings and buzzes are squirrels. We let this happen so often that we rarely even recognize it at this point. I’ve been on the receiving end, and I’ve also been the perpetrator. I’ve even done it in front of a room full of people. I’ve been standing in front leading a discussion, my phone blips, and I steal a quick glance at it — in front of the room with everyone watching.
What is wrong with me?
In fact, there’s nothing (egregiously) wrong with me. I’m not unusual or extraordinarily undisciplined, and neither are you.
Our Pavlovian response to notifications is 100% contrived by The World, and your inability to not react is killing your productivity.
The World is in Control
The World is a merchant hocking its wares, and it’s exceptional at what it does. The commodity that The World hocks is attention, and the bait is these incessant notifications. The more you give up control of your attention, the more rewards The World reaps.
The World is extracting your attention in exchange for productivity through it’s weapons of mass destruction — your smart devices.
The more you give in to The World’s schedule, the less you get done.
The Dopamine Distraction Generator
The World understands that we’re neurologically wired on two levels to react to these notifications. On the first level, the alert shuts off the brain function that regulates higher-level cognition (i.e., conversation, thinking, etc.), which forces the brain to send emergency signals to the body. The alert interrupts your normal thinking, similar to when an existential threat presents itself.
The second level is the reward you receive for responding. When the phone blips and you look at it, you receive a little dopamine hit that sends a rush of gratification, just like love, or winning on a slot machine, or eating your favorite dessert.
Our brains are literally slaves to these notifications. Neither I, nor you, nor monks, nor Navy Seals have enough inner discipline to ignore those notifications because we’re wired to love them. We crave the buzz.
Someone might like me.
Someone might need me.
Someone might want my help.
Someone might have a better proposal than what I’m currently doing.
You can’t help it, neither can I.
The Multitasking Myth
That little interruption, the signal to your brain that something else needs attention, has now created the problem that destroys your productivity — the context switch.
When you attend to your device’s notification, you’ve lost the current thread of discussion, thinking, or creating because you cannot cognitively multitask in this way. Brain anatomy trumps you again.
Each time you context switch, you’ve ruined your flow, and hence your productivity goes out the window. That’s why you can’t pick up that conversation exactly as you left it.
But you already know this — intellectually.
Awareness Steps In
The first step was admitting I have a problem.
“Hi, my name is John, and I’m addicted to notifications on my devices.”
However, through a combination of awareness and conducting personal experiments, here’s what I’ve realized:
I don’t need to know in real-time that someone liked or commented on my post/tweet.
I NEVER need to know when “breaking news” occurs (The news and especially insidious “breaking news” is a whole other topic).
I don’t need to know the very second that my favorite team made a trade.
I don’t need to know right now that a new email message arrived.
I don’t need to care that the 15% discount is about to expire or that I now have access to a good deal.
I never need to know instantly about an “urgent” message from my son’s school.
I never need to know when Amazon delivers the package.
I certainly don’t need to know that CandyCrusher1467 just beat my high score.
I rarely need to know that a new text or DM arrived.
I’ve boiled down worthy interruptions to the following:
A call or text from my inner circle.
A call or text from someone I’m meeting or with whom I’ve made plans.
Calendar events and reminders.
When the Uber driver or Door Dash delivery has arrived.
Call or Slack (Teams, Skype, etc) message from my colleagues during working hours (NOT emails).
That’s it. The rest is noise.
The Simple Solution — Focus on What You Can Control
One simple albeit draconian solution is to turn off all of your devices, but we’re not gonna do that are we? We live in a world where these devices provide real value and are likely necessary to do our work.
The simple yet realistic solution is to decide to take control, let go of that which doesn’t matter, and focus on what does matter. It will require a little discipline — the discipline to configure your devices, specifically the notifications on your devices, such that you are in control of your life, not your device.
Here’s what I’ve done, and my life is significantly more productive and enjoyable.
Take the watch off. I found that my watch was THE biggest distractor of all — constantly blipping and buzzing and demanding attention. Plus, the Do Not Disturb configuration was never good enough. I use my watch for tracking exercise and other activities, so I put it on when I do those activities and take it off when I’m done. If I want to wear a watch all the time, I’ll wear a dumb one.
Turn off all email notifications, including work email notifications on my phone(s) and computer(s). Email isn’t real-time, was never meant to be real-time, is a terrible conversation tool, and at least 75% of the emails I receive are useless. I’ve stopped letting it control my time. Instead, I batch process emails one or two times a day when I’m ready.
I’ve turned off all social media, social DMs, WordPress, news, shopping, and game app notifications. Forever. Enough said. I look at social media on my time, not on The World’s.
I use Do Not Disturb mode on my phone and laptop whenever I am: needing to focus/create, in a meeting, at lunch with a friend, at the gym (or out on the bike, etc.), eating a meal with my family, reading a book, driving, sitting on the can, spending time with your spouse, etc.
Never put my phone on the table when eating with others or when in a meeting. Not face up, nor face down. I leave it put away.
The point of turning off notifications is not that I will totally ignore these messages and applications. If you send me an email, I will respond (just not in real-time). It’s so I can control my own time, and hence, my own productivity.
Technology is a good servant but a horrible master. Yet, so many of us walk around a slave to the device in our hands.
You want to be on the hook. We need you on the hook.
Only those on the hook make the difference, make a change, make an impact.
And when a group of people on the hook come together, the sky is the limit. A group of people on the hook can create a life-saving C02 filter, a world-healing vaccine, and the Bill of Rights.
The Peril of Being on the Hook
Many people shun the hook.
The World is full of people looking to avoid it or give it to someone else. They’re worried about the downside. The World sells downside.
When you’re on the hook, it can go bad, and it might be your fault. Even if it isn’t your fault, you may take the fall.
That’s the downside — this might not work, and you might suffer.
That’s the ontology of the hook.
The Hierarchy of On the Hook
You may have “leader” in your title. Are you leading a country, or a company, or a dance troupe?
You may be a member. Are you part of a research lab, or a book club, or a soup kitchen?
You are an individual. Are you out of shape, delinquent in your accounts, or angry with your spouse?
You are likely all three at various times. You can’t avoid the hook forever.
Flipping the Script
You say we need different. You say we need change.
You say you want to make a difference. You say you want to make a change.
Then flip the script and get on the hook.
The Best Way to Get On the Hook
You may get on the hook because of external circumstances. Your spouse, or your boss, or the investors have asked something of you.
This works, but it’s not the best way.
The best way is to stand up and put yourself on the hook. You can decide that enough is enough, or that you will apologize first, or that you will stay late, or that they deserve a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
When you put yourself on the hook, you have chosen to focus on what you can control. You’ve signed up to do your part in making a difference.
Putting yourself on the hook doesn’t require standing in front of the camera or the front of the room, but it does require you to stand.
Seek the Hook to Make a Difference
The World is full of people avoiding the hook, blaming others, or worse yet, taking credit for being on the hook when they weren’t. Avoidance, blame, and stealing glory are the superpowers of the selfish, the fearful, the blowhards, and the coattail riders — those that don’t make an impact.
But avoidance, blame, and stealing glory isn’t possible without those who have signed up to get on the hook.
“It’s better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than to be up in the stands or out in the parking lot.”
Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
Every community on this planet needs more people willing to be in the arena getting stomped by the bull — whether it’s your country, your church, your car wash, your over-40 hockey team, your kids, or the guy looking back at you in the mirror.
Next time the hook comes around, grab it and get on it.
Here’s How To Have a Trainwreck of a Life Without Substance Abuse
111 rules! That seems like a bunch. When I first started this very intense project, I thought that I’d have to settle somewhere around 25. Could I find 25 actionable rules for a miserable life? I wasn’t sure. So I dug in, and before I knew it, I was at 111.
My fear was for naught because, as it turns out, it’s pretty easy to live a miserable life.
There is nothing scientific about this list — no peer-reviewed research, no expert opinions, no citations. It is 100% anecdotal and based on my observations alone.
Watch the news.
Read the newspaper and news websites.
Listen to sports radio.
Listen to news programs.
Watch TikTok for an hour a day.
Sign up on all websites for free downloads and 15% discounts.
Install a plethora of Chrome plugins.
Enable all notifications from all apps.
Look at your social media feed in bed (preferably before you go to sleep and when you first wake up).
Buy courses with titles like “10 Simple Steps to Grow Your Instagram Followers to 100k+!”
Read articles with titles like “How I made my first $10000 writing on Medium.”
Fret over your number of followers and the number of likes and comments on your last post.
Document your entire day on your story.
Focus on optimizing your sales funnel before you’ve made your first sale.
Never start a business.
Pick your phone up 800 times a day.
Look for and take all shortcuts.
Use email for conversation.
Watch and listen to politicians.
Assume it’s the politicians’ job to make your life better.
Gossip about others.
Tell yourself, “That’s too hard.”
Tell yourself, “That’s not worth it.”
Tell yourself, “I’m not good enough.”
Tell yourself, “I can’t.”
Tell yourself, “Nobody could love me.”
Compare yourself to others.
Live in one town your entire life.
Never travel.
Never have kids.
Get too serious about sports for 8-year olds.
Prioritize stuff over experience.
Finance a car for ten years.
Never tell someone you love them.
Always cater to your ego.
Never expose yourself to emotional danger.
Multitask all day.
Don’t join any groups, communities, or social circles.
Say no to everything.
Say yes to everything.
Deny anything spiritual.
Never read.
Never go outside, especially when it’s cold or raining.
Believe it’s all luck.
Believe luck doesn’t exist.
Believe in self-made.
Don’t get good at anything.
Work through lunch.
Live in the past.
Be cynical.
Don’t have a hobby.
Never be a geek about something.
Always feel your way through your day.
Never make a ToDo list.
Only spend time with people who think exactly like you.
Dress like everyone else.
Make political philosophy a requirement of your friend circle.
Just hang on for a few more years, until…
Expect others to make you happy.
Blame the president, or the governor, or the school board.
Blame rich people.
Blame poor people.
Blame other countries.
Blame the coronavirus.
Gamble with food, mortgage, or rent money.
Gamble with your retirement account.
Wait until tomorrow.
Always take the job that pays the highest.
Never take responsibility.
Never be bored.
Never be alone.
Never spend time in nature.
Buy stuff because you deserve it.
Talk too much.
Keep hanging around the people who are bad for you.
Shout your opinion as soon as it enters your head.
Always reply to others when they make you angry.
Hold grudges.
Always take the easy way.
Worry about the number of murders last week.
Assume you aren’t disciplined enough.
Never stand up for someone else.
Always get the last word.
Talk smack when you win.
Assume you are better than them.
Worry about other people labeling you.
Always cover your ass.
Never think about purpose.
Just punch the clock.
Wish everything was old school.
Wake up too early.
Go to bed too late.
Drink too much.
Eat processed food every day because that’s what you like.
Never eat vegetables.
Never exercise.
Focus only on outcomes and results.
Worry about how much your coworker makes.
Worry about how much your neighbor makes.
Allow real estate agents, mortgage brokers, and car salesmen to tell you how much you can afford.
Live in fear.
Live like there is no tomorrow.
Never try anything new and stay in your comfort zone.
One year ago, we received the agonizing phone call from our daughter, Maddie, that we wouldn’t be traveling to the University of Michigan that weekend. Gymnastics season was officially over. The last three meets of her senior season at Ball State had just been canceled.
Although we figured it was coming, the official word was difficult to hear. She was devastated, and so were we.
Many of you have similar stories. For almost everyone in the US, and previously or eventually the world, that weekend started the quarantine. Little did we know how long the effects would last.
We’ve now spent a year in the US dealing with the SARS-COV-2 virus and the resultant COVID-19. The year was unique in some obvious ways, but in many ways, it was just like any other year.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned. These may also help you, or at least inform your opinion. Some of them are directly related to the past year’s events, whereas others are simply due to life.
Hindsight Provides Insight
What turned out to be Maddie’s last gymnastics meet was a home meet against the University of North Carolina, and it was senior day. In addition to my wife and I, both of her brothers and grandparents made the 10-hour journey.
As her final 90-second floor routine came to a close, she nailed her last double-back, threw her hands in the air, and was mobbed on the floor by her teammates.
The Final Moment
And then it was over, without foreknowledge or pomp and circumstance.
No ability to mentally prepare for the last meet of her life. No ability to prepare for what was already to be a difficult transition.
Tears of joy turned to tears of sadness and anger.
But as it so often is, hindsight has been a wonderful provider of insight.
My wife and I now look back fondly on that final meet, and how her career ended. We celebrated senior day with the extended family. She had a great final routine to culminate what had been a tough senior season. COVID canceled three meets, but they had already competed in the previous ten, and we were in attendance for each. Comparing last season to the restrictions of this season, we had it easy.
Even if I had a magic wand, I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’m very grateful for how it turned out.
Sometimes we just need a little distance and perspective to reshape our feelings about a particular event.
Technology Has Helped Us Evolve Community
Imagine the quarantine without Zoom, Slack, Teams, Skype, and FaceTime.
Imagine the quarantine without smartphones, streaming services, and social media.
I’ve worked from home full-time for the past four years, and I wouldn’t trade it for any other work situation. I also acknowledge that little changed for me day-to-day when the quarantine started because I was already a remote worker.
But I miss my once per month trip to the office.
I miss those few days a month of personal connection, whiteboard sessions, and social camaraderie. These interactions do wonders for my mood, motivation, and productivity.
I also miss in-person worship.
Like many churches, mine pivoted nicely, rose to the challenge, and started broadcasting on YouTube. But there’s just something about the shared experience in the room.
I’m an introvert, and I don’t need much personal interaction beyond the people “in my bubble,” but I sure am looking forward to monthly trips to the office and the buzz of Sunday morning worship.
Knowledge Work Companies Must Embrace Remote Work Forever
Knowledge workers all over the planet were sent home en masse in the first few months of 2020, and we didn’t miss a beat.
I haven’t found published statistics, but I suspect knowledge work will show up as one of the few economic bright spots during the year.
Companies that embrace remote work will win. The ones that do it better will win faster.
To clarify, “remote work” doesn’t have to mean full-time remote or no office at all. A remote workforce that gathers regularly but infrequently is the holy grail for the future of knowledge work.
A corollary — Billions of square feet of suburban Class B office space will face a reckoning over the next five years. The kind of reckoning that requires creativity to solve. Therefore, some owners and agents will pivot and thrive, and some will lose their shirts.
Experts and Scientists Are Also Humans With Opinions
I was listening to Professor Brian Keating on a recent episode of James Altucher’s podcast (episode 690), and he had a great point about the phrase “believing in science.” Here is what I hope to be an accurate paraphrasing of his point:
[“Believing in science” or “believing in the science” is not a thing because science is not subject to belief. Science is a quest for knowledge. Believing in science is an anti-science proposition because this quest is never complete. Questioning the facts, which are actually theories, is the core of science.]
Brian Keating (paraphrased)
Somehow, however, the phrase “believe in the science” and its evil cousins “the science says” and “because science” has entered our vernacular as if one could choose to believe in science or that science has an objective view on a particular matter or ontological power.
Scien-tists have a particular view on a matter. Not science. Science has no view on anything.
Today, politicians, news outlets, and Facebook friends scream, “See! I told you so!” by tossing those phrases around like self-evident truths. And they’re always helpfully accompanied by a link to a science article that guarantees you will change your opinion.
The quest for knowledge (i.e., science) requires inductive and deductive endeavors. At the core of these endeavors is a hypothesis (i.e., opinion) and then data acquired through experimentation, calculation, and reason. The scientific quest results in conclusions, which are theories about the facts. Theories are interpretations of the data, and by definition, an interpretation is informed by the person who makes it. All experts and scientists bring their humanity and perspective to the table when they interpret the data.
I don’t mean to say we don’t know anything, and scientists are not to be trusted. We do know a pile, and we should listen to experts and scientists to provide interpretations of the data for us, but we must also be aware of the human agendas, especially when we are at the front end of a scientific process.
Unfortunately, some scientists and many non-scientists have started using “because the science says it” as a euphemism for their opinion.
Watching the competing opinions during the pandemic has helped me separate the thoughtful experts and scientists from those pushing an agenda. Thoughtful scientists use the following types of statements:
“The data leads me to think…”
“Our current theory under the specific circumstances…”
“My interpretation of the results of the study is…”
“Our view of the current scientific evidence indicates…”
“Here’s what we know and what we don’t yet know…”
When you see an expert or scientist using these statements, these are people to whom you should be listening. These are the men and women who are staying true to the scientific quest.
We won’t fully know what “the science says” about COVID and how we handled it until later. We know a heckuva lot more today than we did a year ago, but be wary of the “know-it-all” expert shaking his fist in anger at someone else who doesn’t agree.
“Because science” is not an argument nor an answer.
All Public Health Policies Must Start By Encouraging a Healthier Population
The question of private or socialized medicine, health insurance costs, COVID testing and vaccines, financial incentives, eldercare, and big pharma aren’t the problems. They are problems, but they aren’t the problem. Nor are they the solution.
They are shiny objects meant to distract and inflame.
The problem is that our collective health is terrible, and it’s on a downward trend.
A healthy population is a better virus-resilient population. A healthy population requires the least amount of tax dollars, pharmaceuticals, medical effort, and health insurance.
We need public policy that encourages better personal and collective health.
We need public policy that creates an affordable, healthier food supply and discourages widespread medication. Let’s make “health food” a redundant term.
We need public policy that eliminates food deserts and healthcare-business-driven lobbying.
We need public policy that fully incentivizes people to be healthy and fully deters megaprofits on keeping people sick.
Let’s get out of the business of making healthcare costs a normal part of everyone’s life by helping people be healthier versions of themselves.
Safety is a Religion
Safety is a big deal right now and has been growing over the last few generations.
I’m not talking about safety on the job site, safety codes for buildings and vehicles, or airline pilots’ safety procedures.
I’m talking about Safety of the highest order — Safetyanity, the religion, with its followers, the Safety Fundamentalists (SF).
The commandments of Safetyanity:
Thou shalt not physically harm another person under any circumstance
Thou shalt not expose oneself to the possibility of physical harm under any circumstance
Thou shalt not expose another to the possibility of physical harm under any circumstance
Thou shalt not allow another to expose themself to physical harm under any circumstance
Thou shalt publicly report or condemn a violator
Thou shalt make all decisions by using physical safety as the highest priority
Like other religious fundamentalists, the SF’s walk around silently judging or publicly condemning those who aren’t up to standards or don’t see the light. If a non-SF dares to question the safety dogma, she is to be pitied, ridiculed, or excommunicated.
Like other religious fundamentalists, hypocrisy lurks close by.
Yet life requires exposure to physical risk. Waking up, going to work or school, getting groceries, walking down the street, driving in a car, seeing one’s loved ones — living.
We must consider safety, and we must be prudent, but life is worth the risk.
The Vaccine’s True Power is Hope
We don’t yet know the universal physical efficacy of the various COVID-19 vaccines currently being distributed (although it’s looking outstanding so far). We will only understand the true physical benefits over time and in hindsight.
We still have many questions: Does it work for everyone? Will we need yearly boosters? Will new strains require new vaccines? Can I still transmit if I’ve had the vaccine? What are the long-term side effects of the vaccine? If I’ve had COVID, do I need the vaccine?
However, the collective mental and emotional efficacy is undeniable. People are starting to imagine and discuss “post-COVID” life. We’re sleeping better, our moods are better, and our fear is abating.
Hope is a powerful drug.
When Properly Motivated, Focused, and Unified, We Can Do Amazing Things
My favorite scene from the movie Apollo 13 takes place a short time after the famous, “Houston, we have a problem.” A group of engineers stands around a table staring at a mish-mash of pieces and parts available to the spacecraft crew. Their mission is to turn that pile of stuff into an air filter because C02 buildup is slowly asphyxiating the crew (here’s a great article on what they did).
I love this scene because a) I’m an engineer, and b) look what we can do when we’re properly motivated, focused, and unified in mission — we can turn a bunch of spare parts into a life-saving air filter from 100,000 miles away.
Now bring on the COVID vaccinations.
How did the COVID vaccines come to market so fast with such high efficacy? Was it questionable science, breaking the rules, and skipping steps? Should we be concerned that we’re about to be vaccinated with something harmful or that hasn’t been studied well enough?
Heck no — when it’s your turn, you should have no hesitation to take your place in line.
Academia, regulators, and industry moved from theory to practice quickly because they had laid the groundwork for years in research, policy, mass production, and distribution. When COVID hit, they were almost immediately properly motivated (and funded), focused, and unified in purpose.
As in politics, unified doesn’t mean a single correct solution or that we all believe the same thing. It means we all agree to row the boat towards the same destination.
United we stand.
National Politics is Trending in a Terrible Direction
It’s trending toward more division in a time where more unity is required. We’re moving in a direction where party affiliation is a defining characteristic of a person. That scares me.
If you don’t wear my color, you’re stupid, and you hate people, hate liberty, hate the constitution, hate science, you’re selfish, you’re privileged, you’re a socialist, you’re a racist, you can’t do anything for yourself, and you’re a bad person.
This trend isn’t due to partisan principles and philosophies. Differing philosophies and individual beliefs about the best way to run our country is critical to our collective perspective and direction.
In fact, the polarization isn’t yours nor my fault. The parties have outright manipulated you and me.
They encourage polarization because it directly benefits them — financially. The farthest 5% of the left and right fund 90% of each party.
Unfortunately, national politics has never been about policies and political philosophy. That’s not a new trend. National politics has always been about winning, but now it’s moving towards winning and burying your opponent.
I’m not optimistic because continued polarization prevents us from working together on solutions, creates animosity in communities, and ultimately hurts our citizens.
Divided we fall.
We’ve Lost the Thread on Authenticity
During the past year, my wife and I ripped through the 54 episodes plus a feature-length film that is Downton Abbey. I was all-in on the Crawleys.
I’m glad, though, that I don’t live in early 20th century Britain. The strict socio-economic classes, the lack of control within those classes, and the etiquette and facade that govern everyday life seem overly pedantic and draining. I wouldn’t trade our current culture for 1920’s nobility or servant life.
However, there is one thing from that culture that I wish we had in today’s society — public decorum in conversation, especially in conflict.
Today, we yell at each other and rarely listen. Everybody has a broadcast studio in their pocket, and the method to gaining attention is to pick a side, yell as loud as you can, and call the other side dumbasses. So now we have a culture where self-righteousness and condescension are part of the mainstream discourse, all in the name of authenticity.
The problem is that we’ve lost the thread on what authenticity means. We’ve come to see authenticity as “my feelings at the moment” and all feelings, however fleeting, are valid to act upon.
But when each of us looks inside, we recognize that our feelings bounce around, and we’re a lot less sure of our opinions than we publicize. That’s certainly true for me.
Part of the solution is to define authenticity better. Here is the best I’ve come across. It’s from Brene Brown’s “The Gifts of Imperfection”:
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Choosing authenticity means
cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe we are strong enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”
Back to Downton Abbey…
Another part of the solution is to take a lesson from early 20th-century Britain for discussing difficult topics. They present a framework and model for how we can authentically engage in a public and private discourse towards useful ends.
Here’s what I learned:
No matter how passionately opposed you are to another’s opinion, you can still sit down and have a pleasant dinner together.
There is a proper time, place, and company for difficult discussions.
Leave heat of the moment emotions out of difficult discussions.
You can win and lose an argument with dignity, and many times allowing your foil to lose with dignity pays dividends.
The bigger picture demands an examination of one’s feelings.
Politics do not trump love.
The Crawleys have taught us how to speak to each other when we don’t agree, including if we vehemently disagree.
I now find myself asking, “How would Lord Grantham handle this conversation?” and it’s honestly helped quite a bit.
A Pellet Smoker Makes Good BBQ Available to Us Grill Hacks
I was a propane grill guy for years, until July of this past year.
I used to think propane was the only practical choice. For me, charcoal is only practical when on vacation. And offset stick smokers — well, I honestly don’t have the brains, nor patience, nor storage space for all that nonsense.
But I sure do love the food that comes off of them. Good BBQ is an art and one that I appreciate immensely.
Enter the Camp Chef Woodwind pellet smoker. The veil has been lifted. The combination of the set-it-and-forget-it technology of the pellet smoker coupled with the concept of cooking to internal temperature has been a revelation.
If you’re a non-expert, grill-hack like me, and you like BBQ, do yourself a favor and give it, or one of the many tech-infused pellet smokers on the market a look.
Sleep is the Most Important
I work on my physical health by eating real food, exercising daily, and getting enough sleep. Even though I’m 51, my Garmin tells me I have the fitness level of someone in their early 20’s. I assume that’s a case of toxic positivity from my watch, but I’m excited enough about it to brag to you all.
However, this last year has taught me that sleep is the most important of these three categories because good sleep has sometimes eluded me. Maybe you’ve experienced the same.
I’ve had shoulder issues, and with the general weirdness in the world, I’ve struggled to get a restful sleep at times. And when my sleep pattern is interrupted, everything gets worse.
Without enough sleep, my mental sharpness and energy suffer — my desire to do both mental and physical activities wanes. My discipline is tested, so I’m more inclined to reach for easy and crappy food. My mood sucks, I’m grumpy towards others, and I’m in no way close to my best self.
I don’t like myself without enough sleep.
Luckily, I have found some remedies that have helped me sleep better. If you have trouble sleeping, or falling to sleep, here is a routine that has helped me. Maybe some or all of it will help you:
Be intentional about going to bed, i.e., pick a time. With a regular bedtime, your body finds a rhythm and naturally starts to adapt to get you in sleep mode.
Put the phone and the news down (in fact, quit the news forever) for at least an hour before going to bed. Stop watching the numbers (you can’t control them) and the talking heads (you can’t control them), and stop listening to what your Facebook friends are egregiously offended by today (you can’t control them). You gotta disconnect from the stuff that irks you or riles you up.
If you have some physical issues, take time to take care of yourself. Stretching, ice, heat, yoga…whatever is the prescription, prioritize the time in the evening.
Spend an hour of quality time unwinding with your partner and/or kids. Watch a show (not the f’n news), play a game, work the hobby, discuss the day, or do whatever it is that you love to do together. A happy, content and disconnected mind is primed for rejuvenating sleep.
Layoff the alcohol 3 hours before and caffeine 8 hours before your bedtime. This is the one that I too often violate. If you enjoy a beer or glass of wine in the evening (I sure do), have it earlier in the evening.
Read before getting into bed or in bed. This is probably my most important sleep remedy. Reading has a very different cognitive effect on your mind than watching TV or engaging in social media.
Focus on What You Can Control
Now, more than ever.
Focusing on what you can control is not focusing solely on self-interest or taking a selfish approach to life. It’s closer to the Gandhi saying, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
It means letting go of the things that are outside of your sphere of influence, and working on what’s inside your sphere. Letting go of unnecessary worry and recognizing the control you have over your life, regardless of what’s happening around you. It means taking care of what you can to make a positive impact on the world.
You can’t control government regulations and restrictions, but you can control your attitude and what you do within those guidelines.
You can’t eliminate exposure to viruses, but you can control your health and your behavior.
You can’t control what others say about you, but you can control what you tell yourself.
You can’t control your results and outcomes, but you can control your activities and process.
You can’t control the news and social media content, but you can control what and how much you consume.
This past year gave us many lessons. But then again, so does every year, if you’re willing to learn them.
