You are in a cult. So am I. So are they. So is each of the ~7.5 billion people on this planet.
In fact, we’re all members of several cults. We join them because they feel right. Their rules align with what we believe or want to believe. Or because we’ve been persuaded that this is where the smart people are.
The problem is not whether we’re in a cult or even which cult. The problem, like most problems of community, is self-awareness and empathy.
It’s a question of whether we — the people inside this cult and the people inside the other cult — can foster the empathy required to open the gate on the fence.
A good start is the knowledge that all cults, even the ones divinely inspired, are a creation of humans.
We can take another step by recognizing the labels we use — for them and us. These labels reinforce and buttress the fences around us. They make us feel better about ourselves. Like somehow we are right, and they are wrong.
But when we recognize that their cult, like our cult, was created by smart people just like us, with families, needs, desires, curiosities, challenges, joys, and miseries, we can see that the labels have no meaning. Even the label “cult.”
Once we stop yelling over the fence, “You’re in a cult!” we can start to foster unity. Unity doesn’t require that we all believe the same thing, but it does require empathy.
We dropped our youngest off at college last week for his freshman year.
The last of our three children.
If you’ve been there or are getting there, you know that it’s been emotionally complex — empty nest, finances, what’s next, who we are, have we been good parents, are we still good parents, is he ok?
But amongst that complexity, a strong sense of gratitude has emerged. Gratitude for where we live and our public school’s commitment to getting those kids back to in-person class as soon as possible.
The three heads of the Cerberus — school board, administration, and teachers — all came together and had our students back to full-time in-person instruction in October 2020. Yes, there were bumps in the road, fits and starts, and wrong turns, but they did it.
They committed to the education and, by extension, the well-being of our kids, which paid off in spades. Observing other incoming college freshmen and kids of all ages around this country leaves no doubt that we got it right. Our kids are as ready as can be for what’s next.
Pre-pandemic, we had meaningful arguments about the quality of our kids’ education in our community.
Post-COVID, the conversation changed to the most basic level — Are we educating our kids at all?
Hindsight is 20/20, and revisionist history is rampant, but thankfully, our Cerberus got it right. They endured the criticism, had the hard conversations, and made tough calls — correctly.
Use the Natural Inflection Points in Your Life to Redefine and Rebuild Your Self-Talk
A couple of years into our marriage, both in our mid-20s, Chris and I started the discussion about kids. The result was that we decided the time was now.
The logic went something like this:
Someday we’d like to be where we want, when we want (This was the mid-90s, way before remote working and internet/social media self-employment was a mainstream possibility). Travel for fun, yes, but also if our kids had families, we’d like to be able to travel around to be part of their lives. We wanted geographic freedom from jobs, houses, etc.
To realize this goal, we’d need both finances and our health, and we only had one of those at that time.
We also wanted our parents to be an integral part of our children’s lives, and they weren’t getting any younger.
So we decided now was the time. I remember at once feeling excited, nervous, optimistic, and apprehensive.
Our oldest son, Joe, was born in 1996. Then our daughter, Maddie, in 1998. As Joe and Maddie exited toddlerhood and started leaving us during the day for school, we got the itch and decided that two was not enough. Luke was born in 2004.
As I write this, Joe and Maddie are fully self-sufficient adults, and Luke is entering the last throws of high school. He will be off to college in a few short months.
We’re just about to enter the time of life that we envisioned and drove our decision those many years ago.
I feel it again.
Excited. Nervous. Optimistic. Apprehensive.
Stories are About Emotions, Not Facts
I can vividly recall that specific conversation. It was a weekday, and we were eating dinner on the couch, as we regularly did, watching some reruns of Friends. An episodic point about children came up and launched us into our discussion. By the end of our conversation, I was sure, but Chris was not so sure — but we decided now was the time.
Excited. Nervous. Optimistic. Apprehensive.
Chris and I recently replayed that conversation, and apparently, she remembers it totally different — except for dinner. For starters, it wasn’t a single conversation but a series. No, we didn’t start it on the couch on a weekday. It was the weekend, and we were out to dinner in the city. The conversation started there, but then lingered over several days. I was the apprehensive one, and she was sure.
But we agreed on the outcome — Excited. Nervous. Optimistic. Apprehensive.
Obviously, one or both of our memories about this watershed moment in our lives is a bit…fuzzy. But the core message of that conversation (or conversations) is burned into my brain — now’s the time.
Excited. Nervous. Optimistic. Apprehensive.
(Side Note: Friends didn’t start syndication until 1998, which refutes my memory of the infamous dinner and spurring of the conversation. My memory of the conversation would necessitate syndication in late 1995 or early 1996.)
That’s how it is with stories, isn’t it? We remember how the event made us feel.
Many studies have concluded that we’re generally terrible at remembering factual details of events from our past. As we temporally distance from events, even critical, life-molding events, our memory of the facts begins to fade, and hence, the factual reliability decreases. This reliability of memory is one of the significant challenges of the judicial system because witness testimony relies on humans recalling factual details of events in the past.
But we suck at it.
However, our brains are amazing at remembering how that event made us feel. Sometimes we’ll even distort the details to preserve or enhance the remembered emotions. Skilled litigators will help witnesses recall their feelings about the events in question to fill in (augment?) gaps in their recollection.
That’s what a story is — a narrative account (fact, fiction, or some combination) that evokes an emotional response. The emotional response leaves an imprint.
By midlife, we have experienced thousands of stories: some impactful, some trivial. But each left an indelible emotional imprint on our psyche.
Excited. Nervous. Optimistic. Apprehensive.
Tell Yourself the Right Story
Who controls your story?
The most powerful story is the story you tell yourself about yourself: that inner monologue running through your head every minute of every day.
For most of my life, I let The World generate that story for me.
I’m not worthy.
I’m not good enough.
I’m an engineer, not a writer.
I’m an employee, not an entrepreneur.
From my pre-teen years to early midlife, the story I told myself was shaped by how I thought others perceived me. Each little outside perspective sabatoging my view of myself.
Feelings, not facts.
Then along comes this beautiful gift of midlife. This natural inflection point that has allowed me to build a new story about myself — the right story.
Until now, you may have let The World generate your story. Maybe, like me, you believed the wrong version of your story.
You might say to yourself, “But yes, I am that guy. Look at the facts.” But stories aren’t about facts. They’re about feelings, and feelings are both malleable and controllable (and fickle).
“Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been.”
If you’ve been given the gift of an inflection point such as midlife, now’s the time to tell yourself the right story. You take control because the only one who has the right and the ability to control that story is you.
What do you want your story to be?
Do you want to be a badass? Tell yourself that story.
Do you want to become the person your younger self admired? Start by running that through your head every day.
Do you want to be the guy who’s just getting started? Say it to yourself about yourself all the time.
Because if you want to be the guy who doesn’t deserve anything good, phones it in, and is on the downside, you can be him also. Just keep telling yourself you are.
How do you want to feel about yourself and your life?
Tell yourself that story.
Go Forth and Become Your New Story
You’ve lived.
Sure, you’ve got regrets. So do I. But the experiences you’ve had are just stories, and you can choose to see those stories however you wish.
How can you reframe these stories to help you tell yourself the right story?
You probably have things you would do differently (I sure hope so). Rather than being ashamed or unhappy with stories from your past, you can redefine the emotions around those events with a new inner monologue.
Mistakes were lessons.
Failures and rejections were roadblocks and left turns.
Regrets were the hills and the valleys that taught you perseverance.
Each of those stories has brought you to this moment and who you are today. And now, who do you want to be?
Like the wrinkles around your eyes and forehead, you can now wear those stories from the past like a badge. Sometimes a badge of honor, but also sometimes a badge that says, “yup, that one was a signpost on a journey of lessons.”
If you can reframe the stories from your past by reframing your emotions around them, you certainly control the story of who you are today and who you want to become.
“I can learn and become an expert.”
“I can start over with a well of wisdom and experience.”
“I still have time. I’m not too old.”
“I have something exciting and useful to share with my family, coworkers, and this world.”
“I am going help her remember why she/he married me.”
“I’ve always wanted to, and now I’m going to.”
If none of these resonate or seem too big, but you’re looking for a new story, start here — “I am enough. I am worthy. I can go become.”
Your subconscious believes what it hears over and over. Make sure you tell yourself the right story a million times a day.
Bite-sized Chunks of Wisdom I Wish Someone Had Told Me at 17
We’re on the cusp of the empty nest, and it has me reflecting.
Our youngest son is about to graduate from high school and enter college, so my wife and I are trying to savor all of the little moments we get to spend with him as this transition occurs.
For the last year, one of our great joys has been taking walks with him — almost every day. The best part of these walks is the conversation. We mostly listen, but sometimes we have opportunities to inject little anecdotes and pieces of advice. However, we try to be mindful of piling on a heap of “when I was your age…” stories and anecdotes.
I’m not particularly adept at the intricacies of this type of conversation. When I try to introduce a topic or provide some unsolicited advice, I mostly come across as a finger-wagging curmudgeon imploring the young whipper-snappers to get off my lawn. The reaction is a well-deserved, eye-rolling tune-out.
But as we near the time of his departure, I find myself reflecting not only on his impending leap into adulthood but my own leap into adulthood 30-some years ago.
What advice would I give my 17-year old self as I embarked as a shy and self-conscious high school graduate? What do I wish I would have known? What do I wish someone would have told me? What did I have wrong in my thinking or worldview at the time? What was I naive about?
As a fan and practitioner of personal development, one of my favorite texts is the book of Proverbs from the Bible. I love the message, of course, but I also love the style. Meaningful bits of wisdom wrapped into bite-sized chunks. Easily consumed and easily understood. I wanted to provide that kind of advice for my younger self.
So here is my set of proverbs for my 17-hear old self. Some of it is practical, and some of it is philosophical, but all of it is what I wish I knew when graduating from high school, updated a bit to include modern technology.
It’s a collection of things I’ve experienced, learned, or have seen play out in my life. Knowing these things beforehand would have helped me in some way. You may recognize some of these anecdotes, as many are not original. In such cases, I’m not intentionally stealing; I’m just ignorant as to the source.
Proverbs
The same old mistakes form the walls of your prison. New mistakes pave the highway stretched out before you that disappears on the horizon. That highway isn’t straight — it’s got curves, potholes, hills, and valleys — but it’s the best and only way forward.
Nobody cares about what kind of car you drive, but just about everybody needs a ride.
Guard your sleep with your life.
Guard your attention with your life.
It’s OK to use social media, but it’s a slippery and steep slope to social media using you.
You do not need to know what is happening, everywhere, all the time.
Technology is constantly trying to gamify your life. Your life is not a game.
Have a single place to keep the important items you need every day, such as your keys, ID, wallet, phone, etc. When you walk into your dorm room/house/apartment/office, always put them in that spot. 99% of lost items are not lost so much as they are not in their spot.
Writing something down by hand is the best way to remember it; typing is 2nd; dictation 3rd; taking a photo 4th.
Anything that arrives in the snail mail with the word IMPORTANT stamped on it is not.
Be interested more often than interesting, especially in conversation.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
It is rarely someone else’s fault, but even if it is, don’t act like it.
Never be the “I told you so” guy.
The one who gets ahead is the one who takes responsibility, especially for the failures.
More does not automatically equal value. Cheap does not automatically equal value. Expensive does not automatically equal better. Popular does not automatically equal better. Everybody has their own sense of value.
It’s always cheaper to fix your car than buy another.
Real estate agents, mortgage brokers, and car salesmen do not have your best interests in mind. You decide what you can afford, not them.
Color outside the lines. Walk on the curb. Run with scissors. Drive fast and take chances. Not all the time, but sometimes.
“Safety first” is over-used, sometimes a cop-out, and shouldn’t be applied in all situations. The world you live in today is many times safer than the last generation. It’s OK to talk to strangers. Older cars are not death traps. Not every white, non-descript van is occupied by a serial killer. Is there a chance that something bad can happen? Of course, but that’s not a reason not to live. Don’t let the dogma of safetyism keep you from living.
Most people let fear govern their life. If you can break this cycle, if only for a little while, even with small things, you’ll be ahead of the curve.
Always assume the other person doesn’t mean harm and that you misunderstood. The benefit of the doubt is a powerful and empathic tool for interpersonal communication and leadership.
Walking around offended by everything leads to a miserable existence.
If shit hits the fan at the national or global level, you’re gonna want to latch on to the guy with the pickup truck and toolbox in the bed, not the guy with the fancy watch and Tesla.
Ideology of any kind can be both helpful and harmful.
Existential experience is rarely on par with social and traditional media’s portrayal of life. Beware of hyperbole in both directions.
If you ever find yourself thinking, “How can I make myself look more like the filter makes me look,” immediately throw your phone into the lake, river, or mouth of the volcano.
Less screen. More IRL.
Professionals play hurt.
Follow the money, power, or status.
Learning how to recognize, confer, and use status is a superpower.
Your past, present, and future are a collection of stories. Stories are about emotions, not facts. Tell yourself the right story.
Each morning the sun comes up, and a new day starts. Whatever happened yesterday is in the past and part of your story.
Great stories rarely start with, “I was sitting at home…”
No one has “no regrets.” The goal isn’t to have no regrets. The goal is to grow from those regrets.
The proper lesson learned from failures and regrets is rarely “I’ll never do that again.” The proper lesson is usually, “This is what I’ll do different next time.” There are some important exceptions, of course.
You are a work in progress, and so is everyone you meet. You both are hiding something, and you both are hypocrites. Think long and hard before casting the first stone or pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye.
You don’t deserve anything beyond human dignity and love. Everything else is earned, luck (Providence?), or more likely, a combination of the two. Don’t let marketers, activists, or politicians convince you otherwise.
Ask yourself, “If I get everything I could possibly want (social, material, professional, political, etc…everything), what will I do tomorrow when I wake up?” You should have an answer.
The purpose of activism is to effect change. It’s not to “be an activist.”
Don’t entertain buyer’s remorse. Buy the thing or don’t buy the thing. Once you decide, move forward.
Trust but verify.
Find the 3rd side to the argument.
Science is not a religion. It is a quest for knowledge. You can’t “believe or not believe” in science. Science has no dog in the fight. Scientists (and experts) own, love, and care for the dogs in the fight.
Always take a lunch break, preferably doing something physical.
Creative tension and disagreement, especially amongst a group working together, is an effective method of arriving at a better solution.
The best coaches were rarely the best players. Many times, the best coaches weren’t even high-level players. Most groups need both.
Diversity creates better community, better people, and better solutions. Seek out the voices of those who disagree with you, or have a different perspective. Never surround yourself with “yes” men. Ask for honest feedback, assess that feedback, and apply the lessons earnestly. Differences are so much more interesting, enlightening, and useful than similarities.
Listen to your recorded voice and watch yourself on video. Muscle through it. It’s the best way to improve how you come across.
Consensus does not equal truth.
Don’t be snowed by credentials.
Complex problems rarely have simple solutions. People shouting simple solutions (especially in 280 characters or less) rarely deserve your attention.
In contrast, however, simple explanations are the best method for getting your point across and building influence. Use language, analogies, and concepts easily understood by your audience. Simple explanations are not the same thing as simple solutions.
You are an independent, free, sentient being. Act like it.
Always be willing to question your closest held beliefs and truths.
Curiosity and a desire to explore keep you feeling young and make you more valuable.
Happiness is a choice.
The antidote to outer turmoil is inner peace. Prioritize something that brings you inner peace each day.
Even introverts need community. Especially introverts.
One of the most liberating moments in your life is the moment you realize that you control your time.
You are never too busy for a child with a question, a spouse that needs attention, a friend that needs support, or a coworker that needs help.
Never underestimate those that work with their hands.
Delaying gratification is almost always the better choice.
Not all communication needs to be conducted in real-time.
You don’t need more storage space. You need less stuff.
The cost of convenience, accessibility, and speed is privacy.
Speed has another cost — accuracy.
Legacy doesn’t require a name on a building, trust fund, or memorial park bench. Legacy is the effect you’ve had on your family, friends, colleagues, and community. You can build your legacy at any age.
For some things, you need perseverance. Others you should quit sooner. Invest in knowing the difference.
When deciding on a career or business path, look at those who are at the top, ahead of you, or having success in the position you aspire to. Ask yourself if you’d like to spend your day the way they do. If not, move on to something else, or change your aspirations.
It’s OK if you have a vocation that doesn’t feel like your life’s purpose. Working to live rather than living to work is a perfectly fine approach to life, regardless of what life coaches, social entrepreneurs, and artists will tell you. However, if you can’t find any joy in what you do for a living, it’s time to find a new path.
Follow your passion is lousy advice. Instead, always, in everything you do, bring your passion with you.
You are creative. You may not be creative in the traditional art sense (painting, music, writing, etc.), but you are creative. Your creativity may best be applied to problem-solving, service, leadership, fixing things, or anything else. There can be art in anything you do.
Breadth will make you valuable. Depth will make you money.
Do things that make you feel like an imposter. The imposter syndrome indicates that you are forging new ground (for you).
Argue, think, and create from first principles. Get closer to the raw data, source, and rock bottom.
Although mental health and chronic stress are issues to be concerned about, seek out eustress. Learning to think clearly and operate under stress is a superpower.
Those looking to the system to provide answers, meaning, and security will always be subject to those who are out there building the system.
Don’t wait till you’re ready. The best time to get started was yesterday. Today is the second best time.
The best method for learning about a subject is to write about it or try to teach it to someone else. Be the person in the group who tries to help others understand it.
Produce a lot more than you consume.
Get outside and run around, not for exercise, but for the joy that comes from the connection to your inner child.
Train for performance, not aesthetics. Get harder to kill every day.
Use your environment to augment your willpower. Increase friction for bad habits and decrease friction for good ones.
Allow yourself the freedom to wander physically, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally.
The smell test (in academic circles known as Occam’s razor, and in kindergarten known as “if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck…”) is a great test of practical truth. It’s not always correct but is always worth investigating.
Academic success in college has nothing to do with grades. It means you’ve learned, received, and figured out what you need to be a contributing member of society.
Get to know your professors and advisor. Just because the syllabus or program curriculum says it’s so doesn’t mean it has to be. Someone always has the power to bend the rules, create new rules, or help you navigate through the side door. None of it happens unless you open your mouth.
Text books are over-priced and worthless once the class is over. No, you won’t ever look at them again. Beg, borrow, rent, copy, and resell. Minimize what you spend, and recover every penny you can.
Be the person in the group who does most of the work. Don’t whine about it.
Never take an elective class because you’ve heard it was easy or because your friends are taking it. Take a class because you are interested in the subject. Never cheat yourself out of an opportunity to explore.
Understand the difference between correlation and causation.
When deciding on a path of study or a career path, make sure you try the hard classes, not just the easy ones. The hard ones tell you so much more about what you should be doing.
No means no — Not now. Not here. I don’t think so. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it. Maybe we should wait. I’m unsure. Maybe another time. Stop — They all mean no.
Go talk to her or him. Start with “Hello.”
Fill your circle with people you admire, find interesting, make you feel good, and push you to be better. Not with people looking for mutual benefits or who you think may benefit you.
Meteorologists love extreme weather. It’s why they became meteorologists. Journalists love to get the scoop. It’s why they became journalists. Public health officials love public health crises. It’s why they became public health officials. Everything looks like a nail to a guy walking around with a hammer. Consider these motivations when they have the microphone.
Inspiration shows up more often when you’re in the middle of doing the work, rather than through lightning bolts in the shower or in your sleep.
You don’t need to sit in the front row, wake up at 4:30 am, or get on stage, but you do need to participate. “It’s better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than to be up in the stands or out in the parking lot.” — Steven Pressfield
Never keep score in a relationship. A successful relationship is not 50/50. It’s 100/0 in both directions.
Always say “yes” when invited to see live music, even if it’s not a genre or artist you like. Live music performed well, of any genre, is a transcendent experience.
The light bulb went on in the middle of the night while I was staring bleary-eyed at the blue-light glow of my computer monitor.
My wife and I had three young kids at home, and I was a programmer on a software development team that had a lot to do in a short time (like all software development teams). I’d make the trek to the office each day and then spend all my time in meetings, sometimes double-booked. I had zero time to engage in any of the actual code-writing I needed to do.
So I resorted to what most would do — I’d bring my laptop and try to get some work done during the meetings, rarely paying attention to what was going on. I got nothing done, and I was never mentally present enough in the meeting to contribute.
To keep my head above water, I’d sit in the kid’s playroom and write code for several hours after everyone went to bed. I did this almost every night.
That started the downward spiral — working through lunch, grabbing easy crap to eat, never exercising. You know this spiral because you’ve been in it. You’ve been here — working, studying, or both — till all hours for days, weeks, or months. Sometimes we have to do it.
Inevitably, both my physical and mental health started to suffer. I felt like crap, got even less done, and it manifested in my attitude at work and home. I was touchy, irritable, and honestly not very good at what I was doing.
But this isn’t a story about how I had to get better at managing my time, be more disciplined, or find some magic mantra that made it all better.
This is a story about who has control.
The Problem
The light bulb moment was me realizing that I let it get this way. This was my own fault. I wasletting everybody else prioritize my time and control my life by extension. I allowed others’ views of what was urgent to overtake what I knew was important.
I didn’t have a time management problem. I had a time prioritization problem. And the only person who could prioritize my time properly was me.
That night, as I was wrapping up a coding session, it struck me — I sure am productive in a rather short time here in the quiet and lonesome middle of the night. How can I create this same environment for myself during the day?
I pulled up my calendar to look over my jam-packed schedule for the next day. It was filled from start to finish with bullshit meetings that I didn’t care about but that I was going to attend simply because someone else thought it was important to invite me.
I needed to free up my day.
An Inkling of a Solution
Bolstered by a combination of exasperation and realization, I wholesale declined all of the meetings for the next day.
I went to the office, found a hiding place away from my desk, and got to work. I had the most productive day in the office that I had had in a long time.
That was something to build on.
So I did it again, and this time I worked on clearing my schedule for the whole next week.
I got better at it.
I started to find the right mix of important meetings and focus time by taking control of my schedule. In addition to declining meetings that weren’t helpful, I changed meeting lengths from the default 60 minutes to 30 or sometimes 15 minutes. If I was hosting the meeting, I started by asking that everyone in the room please shut their laptop and pay attention. I learned that if each person in the discussion is engaged, you can get a lot done in a short time.
How to Prioritize Your Time
Time is your most expensive resource because you have no recourse to get more. You can make more money, you can even trade time for money, but you can’t make more time. How you choose to prioritize and use your time will make the biggest difference in your life.
I am now a true believer in time prioritization. I was converted, but how could I get better at it and apply it to my entire life?
Here are some things you don’t need to do:
You don’t need to schedule your entire day in 15-minute time blocks.
You don’t need to say “no” to everything.
You don’t need to spend an hour filling out an overly complicated planner each morning.
You don’t need some pseudo-objective scoring system, timers, or to give up all of your free time.
Here’s what’s worked for me:
The Eisenhower Principle
After my light-bulb moment, I went on a quest for methods of time prioritization, and I found one called “The Eisenhower Principle.” I now use it every day to help me take control and prioritize.
In a 1954 speech to the Second Assembly of the World Council of Churches, former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower made public a helpful principle by which he prioritized his time. He said,
“I have two kinds of problems: the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent. “
— Dwight D Eisenhower
This principle can be visualized as a matrix:
Eisenhower Principle
Let’s first understand the difference between important and urgent:
Important activities have an outcome that leads to you achieving a goal
Urgent activities demand immediate attention and are usually associated with achieving someone else’s goals.
Quadrant 1: Important and Urgent
You MUST do these activities right now, and there are two types:
Some days you can’t avoid Quadrant 1, and that’s OK. Don’t beat yourself up, but honestly assess whether you can better plan and get ahead of the game in Quadrant 2.
Quadrant 2: Importand But Not Urgent
This is the magic quadrant. The more you prioritize your Quadrant 2 activities, the more efficient you become, the happier you are, and the more free time you find in your days.
Remember that “you time,” such as diet, exercise, and mental and physical rest, fits into this category along with the task list of stuff you need to get done.
Quadrant 3: Urgent But Not Important
*RED FLAG* This guy is the insidious killer, and I suspect is your main problem, as it was mine. I was allowing others’ urgency (mainly unimportant meetings and “I need you to…” requests) to interfere with what I knew was important.
Here is where you take control of your time.
I hereby give you permission to decline all useless meetings, say “no” to useless activities (note: this is not the same as “declining to do stuff you don’t want to do”), and push back every time someone starts a sentence with “I need you to…”
Quadrant 3 deserves no priority from you. Stop the madness.
When someone (a boss, client, etc) is trying to hang Quadrant 3 task around your neck, and you must make it your problem, look to delegate.
Quadrant 4: Not Urgent and Not Important
You have no good reason ever to prioritize a Quadrant 4 activity. Your strategy here is to avoid them.
However, look in the mirror and make sure that you aren’t artificially raising the priority of Quadrant 4 activities.
Does the garage really need to be cleaned today if you have some Quadrant 1 stuff to do? Is losing an hour down the YouTube rabbit hole helping you rest or making you more agitated? Are you scrolling through Facebook to start conversations and build relationships, or because you are being nosey?
Solving the Time Prioritization Problem
That first night when I declined all of my meetings for the next day out of sheer desperation, I took my first step in taking control of my time with an understanding of priority.
I realized that I didn’t have a time management problem. I had a time prioritization problem.
Then, through research and experimentation, I found the Eisenhower Principle, which I now use to help prioritize my time for each day.
When I first found it, I’d write the matrix axes in my notebook in the morning and allocate each request on my time to a quadrant. As new things popped up during the day, I would add them accordingly. The beauty of this activity was it allowed me to step outside of the emotional response at the moment and keep a clear head about priorities.
After just a few weeks, I no longer needed to explicitly make the matrices in my notebook because I got good and fast at accurately assessing my task list. Now I keep a simple daily task list segmented into three groups:
The number one priority for the day. A single and likely Quad 1 task. Some days its a Quad 2 task. If all else goes to hell, I always do my best to make some progress on this one.
Focus tasks. The Quad 2 tasks that I plan on working on that day.
Backlog. Quad 2 tasks that I don’t need to work on today but are coming up. Sometimes I get to backlog tasks before they move to the Focus list.
The Eisenhower Principle forms the backbone of my time prioritization plan and my daily task list segmentation. You also can use it to help prioritize your time, increase your production, and reclaim more free time in your schedule.
One of the most liberating moments in your life is the moment you realize that you control your time.
Did my Wordle today. Meh…got it in 5. I’m usually a 4 or 5 guy, so par for the course.
I’m a bit caught up in the craze, like many of you. I don’t cheat (what’s the point), nor share on social media (not that I wouldn’t, I just don’t care), and I blow 10 minutes a day at most. I feel a little pang of disappointment if I don’t get it and a little hit of pride if I do.
But the question is, “Is Wordle a good use of my time?”
Is it robbing me of productivity, or is it possibly helping my productivity? Is it a harmless little distraction or an indicator of something more sinister?
Physical Recovery is A Model
You already know how to get better physically: cycles of work plus rest and recovery.
Today you run five hard miles, and then you rest until tomorrow or the next day. You do a killer leg workout and then let your legs recover before doing it again.
You push hard and then rest — progress.
It’s during these blessed rest and recovery periods, including sleep, that your body does the behind-the-scenes work to rebuild muscle fibers, restore fluids, and generate more proteins. If you don’t rest enough, you won’t make progress. If you don’t rest at all, you will regress.
The rest periods are just as important as the work periods.
I know from my own experience that if I’m trying to build up to a new distance or get faster running, I must plan sufficient recovery periods and space out my running work sets across a week according to that plan. And, occasionally, every couple of months, I take a whole week or more off of running. When I do, the next time I jump back in, I am usually fresher and faster.
Physical rest is productively unproductive time for your body.
You Need Mental Rest
Like physical training, psychologists believe our minds respond similarly to cycles of engagement and rest. Mental engagement such as focus, learning, thinking, and creativity requires reciprocal mental rest, or else our mental faculty stagnates and ultimately wanes.
When you find the proper cyclical balance of mental expenditure and rest, your productivity, energy, and ability to focus increase. You become more efficient, and the more efficient you are, the more time you have.
And that’s what we all want, right? More time.
Mental rest is just as important as physical rest, but there’s a catch: what is helpful mental rest? What’s the difference between restful distraction and malicious distraction?
You know good physical rest because you immediately feel it, or you performed better today than you did last week. Good mental rest can be a little harder to discern because of the Instant Gratification Monkey. We are good at lying to ourselves about distractions and procrastination.
Doomscrolling through social media.
Diving down the YouTube hole.
Sucked into the game.
“My mind needs a break. I’m just resting.”
Are you?
You might be, but you might just as easily be hindering your future productivity and stealing your own time.
How can you best be productively unproductive for your mind?
Two Kinds of Mental Rest
The Good Ole Blues Brothers Boys Band at Bob’s Country Bunker
Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country AND western.
Subjectivity plays a role, and if you’re honest with yourself, you know what distractions are the right kind for you.
Here are some things that work best for me:
Exercise — preferably outside and intense
Prayer / meditation
Checking off the mindless activities on the ToDo list, such as setting appointments, calling someone back, etc
Personal development — inspiration, motivation, skill development, etc
Music
Here are some things that suck the life out of me:
Sports radio
Talking heads and condescending pricks
Mainstream news
Scrolling through social media
Gossip
Not All Games (Distractions) are Created Equal
Yes, but what about Wordle? (Damn it, I came here to know if I should stop playing Wordle. Get to the point.)
Wordle is a distraction, but is it productively unproductive, or is it stealing your time? To make that decision, let’s compare it to another distracting and popular game — Candy Crush.
Wordle is designed to engage you for no more than 10 minutes once per day.
Candy Crush is designed to keep you engaged for as long as it can — leveling up, time-based rewards, level-based rewards, scaling difficulty, etc.
The Wordle screen contains zero distractions such as advertisements.
Candy Crush is constantly showing you advertisements.
Wordle has no business model nor any way to extract money from you.
Candy Crush IS a business. As such, it is always trying to extract money from you.
Wordle doesn’t care whether you do it or not.
Candy Crush advertises all over the internet in order to suck you in.
See where this is going?
Is Wordle a Good Use of Time?
Your mind needs a break just as your body does, so its important to give it some rest. However, its important to give it the right kind of rest. The goal is productively unproductive.
Wordle is designed to keep you engaged for about five minutes. Candy Crush is designed to keep you engaged infinitely.
Here’s my recommendation:
Keep doing your daily Wordle. But delete Candy Crush.
By Midlife We’ve Built Up A Pile of Limiting Beliefs — But We Can Overcome
The day was here, and I had been anticipating this day for the entire summer. My anticipation was equal parts excitement and dread.
This was the first day of sixth grade — middle school.
Once settled into our homerooms, our first official task as middle schoolers was finding and learning how to open our lockers. The locker was a big deal in middle school and marked a critical inflection point in our young lives.
Where would my locker be? Who would be next to me? Who would I see walking past my locker when changing classes? Would I remember the combination? What if I don’t? Will it be big enough to fit all my stuff?
As children in a semi-rural community, each of us converged on the middle school from outlier elementary schools, many with a single classroom per grade. We had never seen most of our classmates before. We knew nothing of changing classrooms mid-day.
Lockers in the hall? Uh, no. A cubby in the classroom and a wall hook for your jacket.
A cubby was for children. Lockers were for teenagers.
The locker was the talisman of middle school. We were no longer shackled all day to a particular room or teacher or even the same group of kids. It represented endless possibilities.
The locker was also the center of middle school social life. It was our own little piece of real estate in the community.
“Meet me at my locker.”
Entire soap operas, playoff recaps, movies reviews, and music performances came to life in those 4 minutes between classes, 60-90 seconds of which were spent at the locker.
This was the moment.
After receiving a slip of paper with our locker number and its combination (Rx3 to the first number, L past the first number to the 2nd, R to the 3rd), we bolted to the hall.
There it was. And my heart sank.
Our hall lockers were arranged in pairs. Each pair consisted of the tall, skinny bottom part, presumably for your jacket, and the rectangular top part, presumably for your books. The bottom parts were next to each other, and the top parts were one over the other.
Even though the school, my peers, and the universe now recognized my status as a teenager, my body did not. I was still the smallest kid in the class, as I had been since 4th grade.
My locker was the one on top, and I couldn’t reach it.
I knew this was a possibility, of course. I dreaded this outcome the entire bus ride to school and throughout the pre-locker homeroom activities. I had a 50/50 shot, and I lost.
For a split second, I thought to myself, “Maybe nobody will notice. Maybe I can make this work by only using the bottom.”
A few seconds of contemplation led to the inevitable — it wasn’t going to work. I needed the top and bottom. I had to tell the teacher.
Already a shy, unsure, and self-conscious kid, I was mortified, but I did it. And that’s when the nightmare became a reality.
The teacher called over my locker partner, a girl, and said we were to switch places because I couldn’t reach mine. She giggled a bit, the teacher giggled a bit, and within 1.4 seconds, the entire class knew my shame.
I had to switch lockers because I was too short to reach mine. I was not worthy of the gifts bestowed upon a 6th grader with a locker. My talisman was a cheap piece of costume jewelry. It had no power.
I wasn’t a teenager. I was still a baby. Where was my cubby?
The locker episode kicked off a series of early-teenager events that drilled bunches of limiting beliefs into my malleable psyche.
My assigned square dancing partner in gym class (yes, square dancing in gym class) looked at me, disgusted, and then asked the teacher for a new partner.
I asked a girl to a dance, and she rejected me after her friend told me she’d say “yes.” I found out that this was really just a plot to make fun of me.
Three years of middle school built a foundation of limiting beliefs about my worthiness, some of which I struggled with all the way into midlife.
But even as I grew and aged, I continued to fill my quiver of limiting beliefs at each stage of life.
In high school, I was a straight-A student without much effort. Then, as a freshman engineering major in college, I failed physics and had to repeat it. I was barely hanging on by my third semester and almost changed majors. I graduated at the bottom of my class. I wasn’t smart and would never make it as an engineer.
Through a combination of upbringing, community, and experience, I learned that money is the root of all evil, and the only way to get more is to take it from someone else (a zero-sum game). Money is bad, and how dare you!
I failed at two tech startups and a home-based business. You are an employee, a behind-the-scenes guy, not a salesman, and not an entrepreneur.
Malicious Limiting Beliefs in Midlife
Limiting beliefs are one of the weapons in the arsenal of Resistance, and if we’re not aware can derail us precisely at the time in our lives when we should be at our most free. As I entered midlife, I found that I not only carried many of these limiting beliefs around like a suitcase full of boulders, but I was adding more.
Do any of these sound familiar?
I’m too old. (sometimes disguised as “I’m old-school”)
I’ve lost my edge.
I’ve lost the drive.
Nobody cares what I say.
I can’t learn new things.
I can’t get in shape.
I’ll never understand ____________.
I’m irrelevant.
I’m not where I thought I would be.
I thought I’d know more by now.
Who would want me?
How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs in Midlife
Midlife’s gift is a natural inflection point in our lives, like moving from elementary school to middle school when we were kids. Our lives are changing in many ways, and it’s the perfect time to banish those limiting beliefs for good and maximize your midlife.
The great news is that you can overcome them with some simple strategies. You’re not too old, and it’s not too late. You can decide to remake your entire view of your life.
Here are some strategies that have worked for me.
Take Control of Your Inner Monologue
My limiting beliefs, especially those accumulated throughout my younger years, were reinforced every day by the monologue running through my head. My self-talk was negatively labeling me and painting me into a corner.
You’re not worthy.
No one likes you.
You’re not smart.
Money is bad.
You’re not an entrepreneur.
Over several the last several years, I learned to take control of my inner monologue through awareness, elimination by replacement, and addition.
Awareness began with knowing my trigger phrase.
My trigger phrase was “I can’t.” I can’t because I’m too small. I can’t because I’m not good enough. I can’t because I’m one of these, not one of those. I can’t because “how dare you!”
So I counted how many times in a day I said or thought, “I can’t.” My number was staggering. Over three days, I was averaging about 20 times per day. I was drilling “I can’t” into my subconscious 20 times every day. I wonder what the effect was?
I then consciously replaced “I can’t” with active and softer language. Reframing your trigger phrase with friendlier and active terminology appeals to your subconscious and works to build your confidence through control.
For example, I’ve replaced “I can’t” in my vocabulary with phrases such as:
“I choose not to” or “I won’t” – Active language in which I maintain control.
“I don’t currently know how” or “I’m not yet sure” – Softer language that maintains the possibility of success if I choose to put in the work.
Yes, it was weird and awkward at first. That’s partially the point. The more I stumbled over it, the more I became aware of how often I said it, and the easier it became to replace it.
Then I built a new inner monologue through gratitude and affirmations. I drill this new track of self-talk into my head every day.
Each day I spend a few minutes focusing on a few things I’m grateful for, and I write them down. The magic of gratitude is that it requires zero external changes in your life. Simply by practicing gratitude, you will start knocking off limiting beliefs.
I’ve also added affirmations to help me frame who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world. I want to be confident and courageous, so I tell myself I am. I want to be worthy, empathetic, and valuable, so I tell myself I am.
The result is a new inner monologue that has eliminated many of the limiting beliefs that I built up over my younger years.
Take Action
No greater elixir exists for limiting beliefs than taking action. The more you do, the more you overcome. The more you overcome, the more confidence you gain. The more confidence you gain, the more you believe.
Don’t think you can get in shape? Sign up for a 10k race or a CrossFit meet and start a training plan.
Don’t think you can learn new things? Start your own YouTube channel, create an NFT project, or start a YouTube channel about NFT projects.
Think you’ve lost your drive? Find a new job or start a side business.
Think you’re too old? Take a dance class or move to a new place.
Start taking action by conducting little experiments to get out of your comfort zone. These experiments help you learn how to function while experiencing discomfort. Maybe this is all you need to quell some of those midlife limiting beliefs.
Taking action is your best friend. Don’t let this gift of midlife pass you by without doingsomething.
Upgrade Your Circle
One of the most effective life hacks is borrowing the confidence, expertise, and belief from those around you. Therefore, surrounding yourself with the right people is a great way to stifle limiting beliefs.
To understand why it works, start with the reverse. Many of our current limiting beliefs were born from our circle — family, friends, community, and colleagues. Each of our paths is littered with people telling us why they can’t or shouldn’t and why we can’t or shouldn’t. Each little “I can’t” is a cobblestone in the path of limiting beliefs.
Therefore, do the opposite and use your circle to rebuild new beliefs.
Prioritize time with those in your current circle that make you feel great, and expand, or replace, your circle with those that can show you a new path.
Show up at a local business networking event (you may even get free breakfast). Join a board or volunteer in your community. Join a mastermind. Become a leader or teacher at your place of worship. Run for school board. Go to a meetup.
You can also enhance your circle virtually.
Find books, podcasts, and YouTube channels that will help you learn new things, enhance your skillset, and inspire you. Replace the news and its doomsaying talking heads, sitcoms, sports radio, other mindless or provocative entertainment with a circle of virtual mentors.
Spend at least 30 minutes a day with your virtual circle.
Signposts on the Journey of Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
Although I wasn’t fully grown until college, I grew up to be a perfectly average-sized man. This natural inflection point allowed me to overcome the limiting beliefs about of my size. All I had to do was acknowledge what was true and take the win. I’m willing to bet that you have some limiting beliefs hidden deep inside the dark confines of your soul for which all you need is to acknowledge the win to overcome them.
I’ve had quite the journey since that opening day of 6th grade, and so have you — journeys filled with both reinforcements and refutations of limiting beliefs.
I still fight some demons, especially those around money and my worthiness. I’m not entirely sure why these were particularly deep-seated, but they were. I’ve definitely made progress, and I’ve done so through the methods I’ve outlined above.
What are yours? Which moments sowed the seeds of limiting beliefs into your psyche? Which ones pulled the veil and helped you overcome?
Life gifts you with these natural inflection points like puberty and midlife, so don’t waste them. Rebuild your inner monologue, take action, and surround yourself both in person and virtually with those that will help you dismantle your foundation of limiting beliefs.
You are not ready to give in or give up. Get out there and do. We can’t wait to see what you have to offer.
Does it make you a badass, or is it just pathetic?
I distinctly remember the first time I noticed a tattoo. My mom was mortified.
I don’t remember my exact age, but given where we lived, I was probably 6 or 7. At this time in my childhood, we lived in a blue-collar town-home neighborhood, complete with an interwoven network of back allies that were perfect for both kids’ big wheel racing and adult block parties. I remember where we lived because I remember who had this tattoo, and that person was but a blip in our life, coincident with our short time living in this neighborhood.
The tattoo in question was a topless pin-up girl on the outside of his hairy forearm.
The tattoo was old, mostly greenish, and quite fuzzy, but for a 7-year old boy, a topless girl on a man’s forearm was a magically enticing force. It was a full-on tractor beam.
And boy did he like showing it to me — which was why my mom was mortified. Not so much by the illicit anatomy lesson, but because this was a guy that 7-year olds (or anybody) should NOT be hanging around. I didn’t know why exactly, but I knew my mom wanted me to stay away.
Tattoos are for Bad People(?)
My mom’s tactic for keeping me away from him was to throw shade on tattoos and the kind of person who gets one.
“Look at that gross thing…It’s all green and fuzzy…You know you have to live with that forever, right?…It just keeps getting uglier the older you get…Girls hate those things…No self-respecting man gets a tattoo.”
I couldn’t describe or even understand my feelings about it at the time, but looking back, I definitely thought he was a badass.
Who has the balls to walk around with a permanent picture of a naked lady on his arm? He can just look at it any time he wanted. It’s right there on his arm.
But as it turns out, he wasn’t badass at all. He was just bad.
Later in life, I learned why. He was a violent drunk and a wife and child-beater. Not someone that should influence a 7-year old.
My mom won that battle, but not in the way she imagined.
She convinced me that the problem was the tattoo. The tattoo was the signal, not of a midlife badass, but of bad people.
“Stay away from tattoos and the people that get them. They are a signal of the kind of person you don’t want to be.”
Kudos to my mom for getting creative and using persuasion techniques that worked on me, rather than simply forbidding me to interact with him (which we all know has the opposite effect on young boys).
So the collateral damage to my psyche was that tattoos are bad and for bad people.
Which brings us to today in western culture, where everyone of every age and walk of life has tattoos.
I don’t, but my wife and daughter do.
Clearly, tattoos aren’t for bad people.
But do they make you a badass and is it appropriate to get your first as a midlifer?
What is a midlife badass?
Badass is a mindset — at any age, but especially at midlife.
It’s not an outward appearance. It’s not trying to fit in somewhere or with some younger crowd.
A badass certainly isn’t trying to appear younger than he is.
Healthy (physically and emotionally), yes. Younger, no.
Badass is a mindset that embraces who you are and where you’ve been and looks to keep growing and improving — and sharing.
Badass isn’t a tattoo, or a look, or a car, or a bank account.
It’s a mindset, not of defiance or wishing you were someone else, but knowing that where you’ve been has made you who you are. And who you are is someone that has inherent and immeasurable value in this world and more to give.
So should you get the tattoo?
That’s entirely up to you, but look in the mirror and ask yourself what its purpose is.
Is the purpose of that tattoo to say something about yourself, or about the world, or something meaningful in your life? To embrace the authentic you and the journey you’ve earned?
If so, then go for it.
The point is that you are at a time in your life where you’ve earned the right to be you. Well, the best version of you or the person you’re becoming.
At 52, I’m thinking about getting my first. If I do, it will be a “winter tree.” A tree without leaves that shows all of its unique, lopsided, underlying structure of trunk and limbs — some of which are dead, gnarled, or broken, and some of which are still full of life and vigor.
Why a tree without its leaves? Because the structure is the art. It is the metaphor for the authentic midlife self.
A summer tree with all of its leaves is, of course, also the tree, but it can be deceptive. Leaves not only hide the tree’s underlying structure but they make it harder to discern one tree from the next. A facade.
If you’re thinking about a tattoo because you think it will make you a badass, or make you look younger, or God-forbid impresses somebody, then save your money.
The tattoo doesn’t make you a midlife badass. You are a badass with the tattoo or without it. But getting a tattoo because you think you’ll look like a badass, or you want someone to think you are badass is just pathetic.
Now, reread this story and replace “tattoo” with “Corvette,” “Harley,” “hair plugs,” “cosmetic surgery,” “Rolex,” or “$10000 suit.” You’re welcome.
Spoiler: It has nothing to do with diet, exercise, COVID, or vaccines
You and I are fighting a deadly disease that needlessly infects many midlifers.
If we let this disease take hold, the fatality rate is 100%.
The patient, though, is not your body — it’s your enjoyment of midlife. Your happiness.
The disease?
Overseriousness.
I had it bad for a while in my early midlife. I was a robot. No jokes. No mistakes. No jokes about mistakes.
All I could focus on was what was happening to me, why I wasn’t where I thought I should be at this time of my life, and how I will be relevant in The World.
All crap. All stuff that weighed me down. Stuff that steered me away from the joy of just living. I worried about everything.
Luckily, I had an awakening. Not a Paul-on-road-to-Damascus-lightning-bolt, but an epiphany just the same.
Over the last few years, I’ve learned to ratchet down the seriousness by lightening up and focusing on what I can control.
You may feel the weight of The World right now. Certainly, The World has tried its best to steal your attention with COVID, cancel-culture, political tribalism, financial fear…all of it.
I don’t blame you, but there is a solution. The first step is diagnosis.
Here’s how you know if overseriousness has infected you:
The Mirror
What do you see looking back at you?
It’s not your grey hair, waistline, or lines in your forehead that gives it away. You’ve earned all of that.
It’s the lack of twinkle in your eyes. The mischievousness is gone.
If you can’t find the twinkle, then you’re infected. The overseriousness has taken over.
Overseriousness causes a paleness as well. A paleness that leaks through your skin and infects your energy. Does the mirror reflect the paleness?
The Little Guy In Your Head
Are you irrationally afraid of saying the wrong thing?
Afraid of offending the wrong person or the wrong group? Afraid of pronouns? Afraid of being on the wrong side of the argument? Afraid you won’t be seen as one of the smart people?
I don’t mean the empathy filter. You know, the filter that all caring and rational humans (rather than nameless, faceless, anonymous internet humans) should apply to their thoughts, words, and deeds.
Keep that filter in place. You’re a human. You care.
I’m talking about the guy or girl in your head that has you completely curfuffled by what you can and cannot say anymore. What’s funny and what’s not funny?
You’re curfuffled because that little guy or girl makes no sense whatsoever.
That guy — If he’s in there, and you’re trying earnestly to listen to him, you have it. You have overseriousness.
The Cure
May sound simple, but stop taking yourself and this life so seriously.
Crack a joke. Take a joke. Go overboard without worrying about who’s offended.
Get out and run around. Fall down, and get back up. Laugh about it.
Be thankful for where you are today and the history that has created it. Yes, all of it. Some of it has sucked. Some of it has been great. All of it has made you who you are today.
And who you are today is 100% amazing.
Yup, you got wrinkles, grey hair (or no hair), and gravity-infected piece parts. So do I. We earned them. Who cares?
You got unfinished business? Finish it. Let the chips fall where they may.
You got some stuff you’ve always wanted to start? Start it. You may fail. Laugh it off.
Embarrass your kids, or at least make them roll their eyes.
What makes you laugh? Do it.
Dave Chappelle? He’s funny. So is Louis CK. And Stripes, Animal House, Caddyshack, The Blues Brothers…All funny. Cancel culture doesn’t undo funny.
You know what else is funny? Acid-washed jeans, parachute pants, leg warmers, swatches, and our ridiculous hairstyles that went with it all.
It’s funny. Let’s laugh.
Show your pictures to your kids or grandkids. Turn off the damn news and get off of social media.
Don’t let overseriousness derail a good laugh at yourself.
What Happens If You Don’t?
Your enjoyment of life is a gonner.
This disease is endemic. It attacks with equal opportunity. It affects your neighbors, friends, family, and our culture at large.
But we can put a stop to it. You and me. Two irrelevant midlifers. Each doing our part.
I promise I’ll do mine. Will you do yours? I’ll focus on what I can control, and you focus on what you can control.
Here’s the reality. Maybe you’re not where you wanted to be or projected yourself to be when you were younger. Likely you’ve been through some real shit. Maybe you’ve got a pile of debt, or a pile of money. Maybe you’ve had a single great relationship or an embarrassing string of terrible ones.
None of it matters. What matters is you’ve lived a bunch, and you still have a bunch to go. Are you gonna let others dictate your attitude about YOUR life?
Are you gonna let overseriousness derail it?
Life can be overbearing. Heavy. If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself worrying about every damn thing. All induced by the fear mongering of The World — politics, the media, the so-called thought leaders of this world.
And then you’ll catch it — overseriousness.
Let’s leave the rules for who should be offended by what to the younger generation. Let’s leave the anger to older generation. Let’s leave the condescension to the elites. How about you and I stop taking ourselves and this world so damn seriously.
If we can’t enjoy this time in our life, regardless of…no…because of what the first 40-60 years gave us, then when?
The Peter Jackson documentary compiled from the 1969 Beatles’ Get Back sessions is a masterclass in the process of creative work. Many people think good art and creative work is magic, requires some unique, innate talent, and comes out as a finished product due to some lightning bolt of inspiration.
The lightning bolt myth goes something like this:
“Oh, it came to me in a dream, and here it is, complete and beautiful.”
Another myth is that only certain people are creative. This myth goes like this:
“I don’t know how people come up with this stuff. I can’t, I’m just not creative.”
However, what the Beatles show us here busts those myths and shows us that the process of creativity is nearly the opposite. In fact, we learn from watching them work that everyone can be creative (or contribute to the collective creation) and that creating something, anything, more closely follows methods laid out by master creators such as Seth Godin in “The Practice” and Steven Pressfield in “The War of Art” and its sisters “Turning Pro” and “The Artist’s Journey.”
The Disclaimer
Any documentary, this one included, may appear to be a complete and accurate representation of “what really happened,” but is still a creative interpretation. Peter Jackson had about 60-hours of raw footage to present a vision of what happened, and he selectively included or excluded accordingly.
With that in mind, I think you’ll find my observations relatively immune to hisinterpretation because I’m focusing on the Beatles’ creative process.
To me, the true beauty of this piece of art is that it shows a group of artists at the top of their game (or maybe just on the downside), doing what they do best and how they do it. You, me, and all of us can learn a boatload about how to be creative from watching them work.
Creativity is Workmanlike, Not Lightning Bolts
Start with ideas, and refine them.
Show up and work on it.
Try different things and experiment.
Jackson shows us two poignant examples in the songs Let It Be and Get Back. Throughout, you hear Paul working earnestly on the bits and pieces — struggling and sweating to turn them into finished products. Each starts as an idea and becomes fully formed through effort and time.
He works on them by himself and with the others.
He’s got an idea, but he knows he’s gotta put in the repetitions to work through it to make it complete — workmanlike, not a lightning bolt.
Creativity Requires Acting Like a Pro
Show up.
Play hurt.
One cannot underestimate the simple act of showing up. You can see a few times throughout the process where John or George don’t show up, and everything grinds to a halt.
Creativity is Often a Combination of Personal and Collaborative Effort
Do your homework.
Solicit ideas from your cohort.
Collaborate.
Creative energy can feed off one another. Many times, ideas flesh out and find the right direction through collaboration.
Yes, you’ve gotta do your homework and bring an idea to the table. You bring some ideas to the table, and your colleagues do the same, and then you work through them together.
Watching Paul and John feed off of each other seems natural, engaging, and enjoyable for them. One starts, and the other kicks in. Now we know why many of their hits credit “Lennon and McCartney,” regardless of who initially had the idea.
But we also see what happens when someone doesn’t carry their weight. The project suffers from a lack of ideas by John but propels forward by Paul and George’s ideas. Ringo, a relatively minor cog in the wheels of the Lennon-McCartney songwriting engine, is still bringing ideas, giving feedback, and adding his touch to the collaboration.
Passion is critical because it drives the project toward quality.
Individual passions within the collective inevitably result in creative tension. Someone doesn’t get their way.
This creative tension can be healthy and result in exponentially better results. However, if it’s not dealt with in a healthy manner, too much can stop it dead.
You see the tension with George. You can almost feel the mountain of ideas he has in his head just waiting to get out. He tries to work together with Paul on some ideas, as he does with John and Ringo, but then enough is enough.
George becomes exasperated with Paul’s overbearingness, to the point that he quit the band for a few days in the middle of the session. No doubt some insight into why the whole collaborative fell apart in the near future.
Creativity is Often Assembly, Not Innovative Genius
Most creative work doesn’t start as a brilliantly unique and innovative whole.
Many times you arrive at the whole through a process of pedestrian assembly. Take this bit, and put it together with that bit and the other bit. Bang! Now we have something unique and whole.
In some ways, this whole project is about assembly. In tandem with their producer, technicians, and advisors, the group is on an assembly journey. Assembling the parts of the project (the songs) and taking those parts to assemble the whole (the album and rooftop show).
The assembly process is at the very heart of the workmanlike approach to creativity. Start with a bunch of ideas. Refine them. Put some together with others. Test it out. Repeat and keep going.
Shit Goes Sideways — It Will Be Hard
You will feel like quitting.
Do it anyway.
Many times throughout the middle, we see them almost quit the project altogether. Lack of ideas, a dislike of the original plan, and band members quitting (or not showing up) all created doubts and thoughts of “is this worth it?”
But of course, it was.
Sometimes it took Paul’s stubbornness or Ringo’s affability or John and George’s personal rededication to the project. Sometimes it took repetition after repetition. Whatever. They’ve been here before, and they know that the only way through is through.
They lace up the boots and walk on through.
You Don’t Need to Know the Destination to Get Started
Start in a direction, even the wrong one.
Don’t let not knowing the big picture derail your start.
The destination will reveal itself.
The song Get Back, which turned into a political protest song, didn’t start that way. Paul mentions that it’s about nothing when he was first fleshing it out, and he wasn’t sure it needed to be about anything. All he had was the chorus, and he just liked the way the words felt with the music. But as he and John started working out verses, the destination became clear.
This was also true of the entire project.
The original destination and timeline were abandoned because the final destination revealed itself through the work and difficulty of the journey.
There are Roles for a Multitude of Skills
Let others help.
You are creative.
Producers, audio techs, business management, directors, girlfriends — all were involved to some degree in creating this beast.
John, Paul, George, and Ringo were the “talent,” which simply means they were the ones who were good at turning the blank sheet of paper into ideas. They were also the ones who had to perform it.
But the entire project and business of the Beatles required a host of supporting characters. Those four guys did their part, and then they let (actually, encourage) the supporting cast to do theirs.
You may not be good at the blank sheet of paper. You may not be the frontman. But that doesn’t that you aren’t creative or don’t have a role in the project.
Creativity Can Thrive Under a Schedule and Deadline
Fourteen days.
Finish 13 or 14 album-quality songs and then perform the TV special live.
Go!
That was the original plan.
The amazing part to me was that nobody threw up their arms and cried, “Impossible!!” They didn’t because they knew they could do it. They knew that the schedule was a framework, and frameworks can help bound the problem.
In the end, they blew up the schedule, but only by a couple of weeks. However, they didn’t blow it up because the deadline itself was the problem for the creative work.
They blew the schedule due to adhering to some of the lessons seen here and temporarily ignoring others. They started with an idea (the TV special) but then changed course. They collaborated and found a new path. But they also spent time not acting like pros and not committing to the work.
A deadline provides a framework, even if artificial. Sometimes artificial frameworks can help spur progress by eliminating some variables and applying just the right amount of pressure.
How to Be Creative
There it is — a masterclass in how to be creative from one of the most impactful groups of artists in our generation.
Creativity is workmanlike
Be a Pro
Creative work can be a result of personal and collaborative effort
Creative tension can be both healthy and harmful
Creativity is often assembly
It will be hard
You don’t need to know the destination to get started
Everyone in the group has a role
Creativity can thrive under a deadline
Seth Godin and Steven Pressfield have been preaching these principles for years, and reading their works allowed me to see the lessons in this wonderful documentary.
If you’ve already seen Get Back but missed all of these golden nuggets, go ahead and watch it again with a new perspective. It’s well worth another six hours.
