Solitude has been used as a punishment since the dawn of recorded history.
What’s the highest level of punishment levied in ancient civilizations? Banishment…solitude.
What’s the highest level of punishment levied by organized religion? Excommunication…solitude.
What’s the highest level of punishment levied in a modern prison? Solitary confinement…solitude.
The Challenge
Solitude can be the greatest challenge, especially when forced upon you.
Solitude works as punishment because isolation and loneliness suck the life out of us. We’ve known that instinctively, and now scientifically since the very beginning of our existence.
The Opportunity
But a season of solitude also provides a unique opportunity.
It’s an opportunity to recharge, refocus, and recommit. To elevate the priority of some things that seemed less important a short time ago. To try new things or rediscover your love for old things. To follow your heart or mind in a direction that didn’t seem possible before.
Jesus, Ghandi, Buddha, Nietzsche, Thoreau, Shakespeare, Newton…whether it was forced or by choice, physical or mental, all of these great figures knew and used some form of solitude to their (and our) benefit.
If they could use it, can you?
What can you create?
What can you learn?
What can you read?
What can you write?
What can you think?
What new direction can you explore?
What old hobby that once brought you joy can you pick up again?
To whom can you reconnect?
With whom can you connect deeper?
What emotional wounds can you address and work through?
The Charge
Transform your perspective.
Your possibilities are literally endless, but it takes perspective. A perspective of gratitude, of opportunity, and of possibility.
If you can find that perspective, a season of solitude may be exactly the thing that gets you unstuck, or on the right track, or more productive, or completely changes your life as you now know it.
Whether you’ve been forced to work from home, or are doing it voluntarily, it can be daunting at first. But with the proper mindset and environment, it can be the single best thing you’ve done in your work life.
I’ve been a full-time remote worker for several years now. Not only doing my thing but leading a team of people, some of whom are remote and some of whom are in the office.
But to do it effectively and be happy, you need the mindset of committing to the workday, an environment that fosters that mindset, and you will need to stave off the feeling of isolation that can occur without the physical office.
My Journey to Working From Home Full Time
My journey from office to full-time working from home started about 15 years ago, in the middle of the night.
At the time, I was a programmer on a software development team that had a lot to do, in a short period of time. To keep my head above water, I’d sit down at my home computer in the kids’ playroom after they went to bed and write code for a couple more hours.
One late night, lamenting the little sleep I’d get before having to commute into the office in a few hours, it struck me:
“I sure am productive by myself. Wouldn’t it make sense if I eliminated the distractions of the office and the hour and a half of commuting per day?”
So I tried it one day a week, and it was a disaster. My internet speed sucked, I was constantly distracted by what was going on in the house, I felt isolated from the team, and by lunchtime, I was totally unmotivated. In fact, within a few weeks, I abandoned it.
Over the next few years, I occasionally tried again for various reasons with mixed results.
Fast forward a couple years, and now with an oppressive, 3-hour per day and expensive commute from my rural town to center-city Philly, I tried again out of pure self-preservation. I tried 1 or 2 days per week working from home.
By this time, several imporgant changes had occurred.
My home internet speed was just as good as the office. The team I worked with was geographically diverse, so we had a culture and toolset that supported remote working. I now had my own space in my home. And most importantly: I was mentally committed…this HAD to work.
Then I got laid off, and a full-time remote opportunity presented itself. Bolstered by my recent positive experiences, I jumped at it.
Currently, not only do I work from home, but I lead my team from home. So I’ve learned some stuff that I can share with you.
I’ve learned what works for me, and what keeps me happy and productive. I’ve also learned what helps other individuals and remote teams be happy and productive when working remotely.
Here are my 4 tips to help you love working from home.
Create a Space
Creating a physical space helps bridge the mental transition to the workday, and sets boundaries for the others in the house.
Working from home full-time, or even just for a full day, is not the same as sending a couple of emails after dinner. It can’t be done from your bed or the couch.
Effective working from home requires a mindset commitment to the workday, just as if you were going to the office. Having a physical space helps transition your mindset, just as your commute did before.
At the office, everybody’s on the same schedule, but at home, the schedules clash. You can’t run your day interrupt-driven from your family and expect to be successful.
This may be your biggest challenge, but it’s worth sacrificing something else (den, bedroom space, workshop, rarely-used living or dining room, etc).
Find a spot that you can go to each day. Set up your big monitor and docking station. Layout your favorite pen and notebook. Leave this stuff there just as you would at your desk in an office.
When you go to this space and sit, you are going to the office.
Find Your Routine
When you commute to an office, you have a routine.
What does that look like for you now?
Get up, take a shower, get dressed, get the tea or coffee, grab the laptop…get in the car, queue up the podcast…35 minutes later you’re at the office.
This routine is critical in transitioning your mind and body into the workday in the morning, and out of the workday in the evening. These transitions occur naturally when you commute.
One challenge of working from home is the integration of home and work thwarts that natural transition. You’re unmotivated to start your workday, and that turns into difficulty staying engaged throughout, which then leads to a challenge in being fully present with your family in the evening.
It took me a while to find what works for me, and it shifts around a bit. My routine currently doesn’t look exactly like it did a couple of years ago. But when I’m on my game, it always involves these 4 elements:
Intention to start the day
Priming my mind
Priming my body
Creating a ToDo list with a clear head prior to the firefights and distractions of the day
How do you find what works for you?
Try different things. Start with something similar to what you do today. Start with taking a shower and getting dressed as if you were going to the office. Maybe even keep the travel piece, but substitute a walk.
Give yourself some time. Test different things. Know that somedays you’re going to struggle, and that’s OK.
Take Breaks
Like a commute creates a natural routine, the office environment naturally provides mental breaks in your day.
Lunchtime…watercooler conversation…meetings…a trip to the coffee machine…a walk around the block or out to the car…
Done right, breaks can be your superpower. Not taken or done wrong, and you can derail the rest of your day and leave yourself mopy or agitated.
How do you design breaks into your day?
Like your routine, try stuff and adjust, but start with a lunch break.
If you don’t normally take a lunch break, start taking one. If your normal thing at the office is to take a walk at lunch, do it at home. If, like me, you typically workout at lunchtime, then do that. If it’s running an errand or two, then do some of that.
It is the single biggest factor in helping me remain productive and happy, as well as building a productive and happy remote team.
This is the one that will help you stave off those feelings of isolation and keep you engaged and productive.
The great news is that it’s also not that hard. In fact, for introverts (like me), using your remote toolset to work socially can be better than sitting in an office full of people.
What does “work socially” mean?
Fostering conversation and community around work, but also around life.
It means communicating with your coworkers as if you, and they, were physically together.
How do you do that?
It’s likely that you have tools such as Slack, MS Teams, Zoom, etc. Use them instead of email for conversation (oh please gawd…NOT email). Email is the enemy of fostering community in a healthy remote workforce.
Email itself is great. But its purpose is not conversation and community. Email is for documentation, publishing, and formal communication. All stuff you need to do in the course of your day. But it’s not a tool for working socially.
These other tools make real-time conversation effortless. Real-time conversation helps develop a community similar to the office environment.
Which brings up the big one. And you’re going to have to get over it…
Turn your video ON in meetings and in 1-on-1 conversations. Once I committed to it, I found that it not only helped me, but it helped the others on the calls also feel more comfortable turning their own video on.
When everyone has their video on, it’s like you’re sitting around the conference room table. It’s almost like you’re in the office.
And the potpourri of weird stuff in the background of your video? That just enhances the conversation.
Fostering and participating in conversation and community are the keys to working socially. And working socially is the single biggest factor that will help you love working from home.
A Warning For Leaders
If you are a leader, “working socially” is NOT micromanagement.
It’s NOT hounding your people every hour, or several times per day for status updates. It’s not checking the VPN logs to ensure so-and-so was logged in the appropriate number of hours today.
A healthy community requires trust.
Even when proper boundaries have been set, working from home is an integration of home life and work life. It has to be, and quite frankly, that’s one of it’s biggest benefits.
Embrace and understand that integration for your team. Productivity results from the tips above. Help the members of your team implement these.
In Summary
Give yourself some grace.
This may not be easy, especially if it was forced on you.
It may take a few days or a few weeks, but if you’re committed you’ll figure it out.
You may even find that you’re more productive and happy in this situation. That’s certainly true for me now, but it did take time, and it took figuring out how to build my mindset and environment to work for me, instead of against me.
Hopefully, with these tips, you can get there quicker.
I won’t lie. The “Aha!” moment I describe below has me wanting to slap my younger self right upside the head.
However, it perfectly illustrates the essence of how a producer spends money vs how a consumer spends money.
Spending Like a Producer…As a Child
On a recent James Altucher podcast, and he told a story that perfectly captured the essence of how a producer spends money. Episode 532, if you are interested.
The thing that made the story so fascinating was that it was from his childhood.
When he was a kid, he had a paper route making about $100. He also was obsessed with chess, and wanted to get better. So he would take $70 of that $100 and pay a mentor to play and teach him chess.
And there it is. That’s the essence: investment.
That’s exactly what separates the producer from the consumer with spending money.
What was his goal? Get better at chess.
How does he achieve it? He uses money as a tool to invest.
He was investing in getting better at chess.
You may say, “Chess is just a game. He was spending it on a game. That’s not investment.”
Yes it was, or at least the concept is the same. He was learning how to use the tool of money to make progress. To get better. To produce. He was investing in his ability to produce in the chess world.
Naturally, now I’m asking myself why he was so aware and mature at that age, and I wasn’t. At that age, I was spending my money exactly as any consumer does: distraction. I was dropping it in the video arcade, the soda shop, and the record shop.
The Essence is Investment
The rub is that investment rarely pays off instantly, or even quickly. Investment usually requires delayed gratification.
That’s what makes investment so hard for most consumers. We are a culture of instant gratification and distraction. Give it to me today, tomorrow at the latest. Yesterday is even better.
Investment takes many forms, but it’s the key to spending money as a producer.
Do you want to get unstuck? Break out of mediocrity? Make changes in your career?
Use your money to invest, not distract.
I’m thankful that I now understand this concept, and we’ve been able to reap rewards. My family spends a good portion of our money investing in all sorts of things like our health, experiences, business, new ideas, learning, financial instruments, etc.
But I can’t help wanting to go back and kick the 12-year old me right in the ass. Imagine how much farther along I would be now if I would’ve thought like James did as a kid.
Forget about it. If you’re here to unearth the secrets, the magic steps to success, close this window. You won’t find them here.
There are no magic steps, and there aren’t any secrets.
But that’s why you’re here. Looking for the magic. Looking for why you haven’t found success yet.
You fear never making it. You fear continued mediocrity. You fear never getting over the stuck feeling. You fear that at the end of your life, you’ll meet the person you could have become, but didn’t.
I feel you, because that’s my list.
My goal here is to save you some time and effort, and help bring to light what you already know to be true. Hopefully, then you can quit beating yourself up, stop procrastinating, get past being an amateur, and start turning pro.
All of this advice is equally bullshit and powerfully correct. It’s a boiling sea of conflicting messages…all of it contextual.
I think I’ve read them all. Yet here I sit. I’m writing this not as my full time gig, but as something I fit into the cracks of the day consumed by my day job.
The conclusion: I don’t need more information.
Neither do you need more information about how to be successful. You didn’t miss the “steps to success” day in 11th grade. Nobody was awarded the secrets to success when they were meditating in India with a guru. I’ve never taken Ayahuasca, but I’d be willing to bet that won’t give them to you either.
The Steps to Success
The simple fact is that there’s no magic, and no set of secrets, but there is a common theme that emerges…a framework that you can apply.
Here’s how I see it. Simple, but not easy.
Intention
Intention matters.
What is it you’d like to do? What does success even mean?
Without intention, outcomes are random.
Without good intentions, outcomes are tainted.
If the QB makes the wrong read, but throws the touchdown pass anyway, what happens the next 5 or 10 times?
Intention is you grabbing control of your mindset and taking ownership. The genesis of all change is mindset.
Note that intention doesn’t mean well-ruminated 5-year plan. It just means you are now headed in a direction.
They say, “Good intentions pave the way to hell.” They’re wrong.
Start doing the thing, and then keep doing it. Even when you don’t feel like it.
As Steven Pressfield would say: the amateur shows up when he feels like it, the pro shows up everyday.
Start turning pro.
Sit down and write. Grab your running shoes and run, even if its raining. Build the web page. Sit in the pew each Sunday. Record your online course. Work on the business plan.
You may dream about the award around your neck, but you won’t feel its cool metal edges on the skin of your chest unless you put your miles in.
When you participate, the muse takes notice of your seriousness.
Mastery
Now go get good.
To get good, you will have to master the required skillset.
The tortoise only beats the hare because the hare is an amateur. He shows up for the race, but hasn’t mastered how to run the race. The tortoise masters the running of the race.
If the hare was a master, there’s no contest, and no story.
When you master the skill set, the muse jumps down in the trench alongside you and grabs her bazooka.
What is Mastery?
How good do you need to be? How do you become a master?
Mastery Starts with a Beginner Mindset
The master started by setting his ego aside and becoming a beginner.
The beginner is humble and recognizes he will need help. The beginner steps out of his comfort zone. He sets aside what he thinks he knows, and is willing to start fresh.
Beginners gather information. They learn from other masters. They may go to school, read books, listen to podcasts, and take courses. They definitely invest.
But information only takes you so far. Information cannot make you a master.
Read that again: Information cannot make you a master.
The amateur stops at beginner. He stops at gathering the information.
The amateur can make good dinner conversation, but he hasn’t made a contribution that matters. That’s where the line is drawn, because across the line of contribution lies the emotional danger.
He does stuff, and he continues to participate. He takes the information, finds his voice in it, and starts producing. The master makes the phone calls.
The master gets comfortable being uncomfortable. He tries the things that might not work.
Mastery requires going through the hard. There are no shortcuts, or ways around, or tunnels underneath. There is only through.
The guru on the mountain may be a master, but not because he’s got a robe and a label. He’s a master because he’s dug into it, struggled with his own beliefs, argued with his teachers and peers, written about it, lived it, and is willing to teach it to you. The guru produces.
The social media influencer may be a master, but not because she’s beautiful and has a team of people around her. She’s a master because she’s built a network, mastered her distribution channel, mastered her content, adjusts the content accordingly, and exposes herself to the emotional danger from the public. The influencer produces.
Masters Remain Flexible and Current
The master is willing to question his own beliefs and his own methods. This may shake him to the core.
Beliefs are beginning assertions, and methods are test procedures. Sometimes they are wrong. As he produces, his output changes.
The master also knows that skill sets and philosophies are fluid and ever-changing, so he keeps up. He doesn’t keep up so that he knows the lingo and can talk a good game. He keeps up to discern progress from bullshit.
He employs progress, he eschews bullshit.
Masters Acknowledge Others and Luck/God/Universe
The master knows there is something bigger than himself into which he is connected. The master is one part of the whole.
Sometimes things fall into place for him, and he acknowledges this. He may consider it God, or the Universe, or fate, or the muse, or even incoherent luck, but he knows that the whole has contributed. He does not drink his own bathwater.
He also knows that he is not self-made and there is no such thing. The very concept of self-made is oxymoronic.
The master asks for review, takes criticism, and adjusts. Not for external validation, but for growth.
He gives credit. He is thankful for those before him and with him and who come after him. The master makes gratitude part of his daily practice.
Mastery is a Skill
Mastery is, in itself, a skill of the pro. It takes time and effort.
How much time? That depends on context.
Maybe 1 week, maybe 20 years.
How good does he have to get? That depends on context.
The first blog article ever published didn’t require masterful content, perfect grammar, and razor sharp SEO because it was a new invention…a novel idea…a unique experience at that time. With 500M+ blogs today, you better have something good to say, say it well, and understand how to build an audience.
In Summary
There is no magic set of steps to success, but there is a common framework that you can apply. You must find your voice, your context, and fill in your details. Nobody can do that for you.
Achieving your success takes all 3 steps.
Start with intention and participation. Then go get good. Master the required skillset.
Is it all worth it?
Ask yourself this: Will someone else be worse off if you aren’t successful?
Maybe not comfortable, though, which means it’s probably not easy. That’s always the rub, isn’t it?
The Promise of Mediocrity
In retrospect, I’ve spent most of my life trying not to stand out. Living life in the comfort zone. Trying to maximize my sameness, which is maximizing my mediocrity.
“Well, I was just overwhelmed by how invisible he was. Just his shear mediocrity was hard to deny. It was so attractive.”
Me neither.
Yes, You Need to Stand Out
Want a promotion or a raise? You will need to stand out to your boss.
Want to sell your 2013 Honda Civic? Your post will need to standout amongst the 244 others on Craigslist.
Want to grow your business? Your message will need to stand out amongst your competition.
Want to win her heart? You will need to stand out amongst the 10 other dudes that also have great cars, great incomes, and great abs that are texting her.
Want to get the good assignment at work? You will need to stand out amongst your colleagues.
Want to build an audience and business around your blog? You will need to stand out amongst the 500 million other blogs.
The problem is that standing out is uncomfortable.
I’m a veteran in the Apple Store, so I know what to expect. But walking in is always a little unnerving because I’m never quite sure what I’m supposed to do.
There’re people everywhere. There’s no counter or customer service desk or register at which to stand in line. There’s just a sea of customers and blue-shirted workers, all seemingly engaged.
Quite uncomfortable for this introvert. Sometimes I stand there for 20 minutes.
This time, however, I found an unknowing guide that has forever changed my Apple Store experience, and has taught me a life lesson in how to stand out.
As I was walking in for my first appointment that week, a man walked in in front of me. Actually, we got to the door simultaneously, and I held it for him, so he went in first.
Inside the door, there were 3 blue-shirts and a haphazard group of about 10 customers milling about in front of us. I did what I always do, hovered near the back of this pack, took out my phone and probably searched for “how to get waited on at an apple store“.
But I watched with amazement as this man found the correct blue-shirt guy, was checked-in, and redirected to a table to wait for help within 60 seconds.
Ten minutes later, after I waited my turn, and was finally checked in, I found myself standing next to him at our appointed table.
I floated outside of my introverted brain for just a second and summoned the courage to ask him, “How did you know that was our guy and get waited on so quickly?”
“I didn’t…but look around. What do you see?”
And he waited…and then continued when I had nothing.
“Every single customer in this store has their face buried in their device. The people waiting at the front, the people scanning the new products, the people waiting for service help…Including you.”
“Even the customers who are actually talking to someone. They’re talking with their faces buried in the device.”
“Knowing this, I simply walk in with my head up, and immediately make eye contact with and smile at the first worker I see inside the door.”
“Without breaking eye contact, I walk right around the group of people milling about and speak to that person. Most times this is the person who can check me in, but if its not, he or she just tells me who to go see, and then I repeat that process.”
I asked, “But don’t you feel bad about skipping the line?”
“Why? What line?”
“The people that you say are in line are not actually in line. There are no lines at an Apple Store. They are just standing there because they don’t know what to do. They saw a couple of other people standing there, so they followed.”
“Plus they are all looking at their phones, so most don’t even notice me. It’s easy to stand out here. Just don’t do the things that everyone else is doing.”
Huh…
On my next trip to the store a couple days later I walked right in, smiled at the first worker I saw, never broke eye contact, and was checked in within 60 seconds.
Lesson learned, tested, and set in stone.
Other Ways to Stand Out That You Didn’t Think Of
Here are a few other ways that work remarkably well in today’s culture. You can apply these and stand out at your work, in your business, in your marriage, with your kids, in your volunteer organization…wherever.
Be Patient
The internet, Wikipedia, Amazon Prime, Spotify, Netflix, text messaging, social media, laptops, smartphones…all amazing technologies and applications for which we are better off.
But they also trick you into feeling like everything should be immediate. If you’re not careful, you can slip into the trap of always making decisions based on instant gratification.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m the pot calling the kettle black on this one.
I’m currently moving some retirement funds from one provider to another. It HAS to be done through the US Mail, with envelopes, and paper, and forms with handwritten signatures. What year is this, 1992?
The process is currently at 5 weeks and counting. Are you kidding me? I can apply for, receive approval with a complete background check, and fund a brand new checking account with Capital One in less than 10 minutes. No papers necessary, including the transfer of funds into the account.
Here’s another one…
I’ve currently been waiting over 4 months for my Global Entry application to be accepted. Once accepted, who knows how long it will take to schedule the interview.
My trip was 2 months ago! I’m quite sure that the Global Entry program is able to meet its stated goal to “speed travelers through the process” by simply ignoring all applications.
So how will exhibiting some patience help you stand out?
What if you were willing to spend a few years mastering a skill or a set of skills?
In a negotiation, would you be willing to delay up front payment in order to reap more rewards on the backend?
Are you willing to do the tasks that no one else wants until the time is right?
Would you be willing to invest a small amount regularly over a long time?
Are you willing to wait for the right person?
Put Yourself On the Hook
Corporations and politics appear to promote those that have mastered the art of deflection of blame. So-called leaders moving up the ladder by taking credit after the fact, but never responsibility on the front end.
If you take a closer look, however, rarely do those who shun up-front responsibility make an impact.
Why? Because ultimately, we need to depend on someone.
We need leaders who have ideas and follow through. We need colleagues who are willing to try to solve problems. We need friends who can be counted upon. We need life partners who are committed to the long term.
But taking up-front responsibility is perilous. You risk emotional danger.
Taking that risk, however, is a great way to stand out in just about any situation.
It’s true, you may not be successful. You may have to take blame. Taking the blame is also a method for standing out.
Volunteer to make the phone calls.
Show up when you commit to be there.
Create and suggest ideas and solutions, not just point out problems.
Take sole blame for something that wasn’t necessarily your fault.
Commit to getting the job done by the end of the week.
The Lesson of How To Stand Out
It’s a 2-parter.
The first part is find a way to be different from everyone else around you. In the Apple Store, different is making eye contact, and not burying your face in a device.
For other parts of your life, maybe you can look different, sound different, say something different, think different, or act different. You may not need to be dramatically different, just a little.
The second is stop worrying about the phantom mob rules. In the Apple Store, there isn’t actually a line to stand in, so don’t stand in one.
To apply this elsewhere, maybe you don’t need a PhD, or another certification, or to wait for the yearly formal review process, or to ensure you meet all of the requirements on paper, or to submit a formal complaint, or to make more money, or have fancier clothes, or live in the right neighborhood, or to sit up front.
Standing out is uncomfortable, but actually quite simple.
The answer to that is critical for you to beware, and be aware.
Preferences Are Like an Onion (or Pyramid, or Neural Net)
Preferences can live in isolation.
I’d rather listen to heavy metal than jazz.
But they also live in context.
I’d rather listen to heavy metal when I’m driving, but smooth jazz during a dinner party.
Preferences also live within a complex set of contextual interdependencies with other preferences.
I’d rather run, but I’m training for a triathlon, and my plan calls for a swim today. Since my overarching preference is to maximize my performance in that triathlon, I will choose to swim.
There are layers, and hidden layers that stack and are interdependent, as well as contextual.
The Slippery Slope
“I’d rather…” can lead you down a slippery slope if you are not aware of those contextual interdependencies.
You might say, “I’d prefer to be healthy.”
But…
I’d rather have Coke instead of water.
I’d rather not schedule the colonoscopy.
I’d rather find a pill than a food solution.
I’d rather spend money on entertainment than quality food.
You might say, “I’d prefer to have a productive day.”
But…
I’d rather hit the snooze.
I’d rather do the easy task.
I’d rather give the appearance of being busy.
You might say, “I’d prefer to have more money.”
But…
I’d rather not live on a budget.
I’d rather my weekends were free.
I’d rather spend money on entertainment than a side business.
You might say, “I’d prefer to have a better marriage.”
But…
I’d rather not discuss the day.
I’d rather not get involved in her/his stuff.
I’d rather not expose myself to emotional danger.
You might say, “I’d prefer to not get laid off.”
But…
I’d rather be old school.
I’d rather not teach others what I do.
I’d rather do the things I already know how to do.
You might say, “I’d prefer to be a leader.”
But…
I’d rather stay in my lane.
I’d rather not put myself on the hook.
I’d rather complain about the current leadership.
You might say, “I’d prefer if people knew my name.”
But…
I’d rather stay in the back.
I’d rather not put myself out there.
I’d rather someone else do the presentation.
You might say, “I’d prefer if I could get somewhere in my life.”
But…
I’d rather stay right here.
I’d rather not make a plan.
I’d rather think that I am unlucky.
You might say, “I’d prefer to make an impact on this world.”
But…
I’d rather stay in my comfort zone.
I’d rather not try something that might fail.
I’d rather not make some people made at me.
A Bit About Preferences in Marketing Messages
Well done marketing speaks to your preferences. In fact, it requires your preferences because there are literally hundreds and thousands of choices to be made.
Smart marketing is never about convincing you. It’s about picking you as the intended audience and feeding you with the preferences you already have.
“Hey…you who likes blue widgets! You’re the smart one to like blue widgets because they’re the best! Good news: we have them over here.”
Smart marketing messages can bring positive or negative change to your world by speaking to your preferences…so beware and be aware.
How to Beware and Be Aware of Your Preferences
Here’s a tip that has helped me and has kept me moving forward on some important goals.
I evaluate my preferences against my comfort zone.
Is this “I’d rather…” choice keeping me in my comfort zone, which is then prohibiting me from reaching the larger goal or preference?
If so, I try to choose against it. It’s not easy, nor do I always succeed.
For example, writing these articles. My big-picture preference is to build an audience on which I can make a positive impact. Six months ago, my comfort zone was winning and I wasn’t even trying to write. I was giving in to the “I’d rather not write today” preference.
A funny thing happened, though. Even though I was failing to make the “correct” choice, I became aware that I was making this choice (and others) consciously. That conscious awareness has helped build my decision making skillset.
Whatever your overarching “I prefer…” statement is, you are probably making some connected “I’d rather…” choices that align, and some that don’t.
Be aware of the ones that align. Beware of the ones that don’t.
You can start by evaluating these choices against your comfort zone.
I’ve done all the things: read the blogs and books, watched the videos, and listened to the podcasts; taken the seminars, both professionally and personally; created the vision boards; used the success planners…
I have even coached my software development teams on how to create SMART goals for themselves.
For me personally, however, achievement of most of my important goals has continued to elude me.
But now I have a handle on why.
What I’ve realized is that I suck at achieving goals because I suck at setting goals.
Oddly enough, I have arrived at this understanding through examining why I am so terrified of heights.
My Fear of Heights
Heights make me weak kneed and hyperventilate.
Not all high places, however. I’m only afraid if I feel like there is a very real chance that I can fall.
I chose that verb in the above sentence intentionally. The fear is NOT based on an objective risk of falling. I’m terrified if I FEEL like there is a real risk of falling.
In other words, if I believe it can happen, it scares me.
What Makes My Knees Weak
At this point in my life, I know the ingredients that will cause that feeling.
All three of these components must be present.
It’s gotta be high. How high? Well, that depends. Sometimes 15 feet is enough.
I must be able to see straight down
The railing/wall/safety bar between me and the great beyond is lower than my chest.
For example, standing at the edge of a cliff, or at the edge of my roof, or at the top of a lighthouse if the walkway has a low railing at the edge.
If any one of those three aren’t there, then I feel safe enough and am not afraid.
There are also a few condition enhancers that can spin the terror into orbit:
Not trusting the structure. For example, a wobbly ladder or standing too close to the top of the ladder.
These situations make me FEEL like I could actually fall. I can picture it happening. Sometimes I actually catch myself running through the scenario in my head.
I believe it can happen.
What Doesn’t Bother Me
Standing on the observation decks or roof decks of tall buildings.
I’m lucky enough to have been in many of the world’s highest buildings. I’ve been in those buildings in New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, Shanghai, San Francisco, and many others. Never once did I feel any uneasiness in those buildings.
The observation decks are typically either indoors, or have tall fences/railings, or are situated such that you can’t look straight down the side of the building.
I’ve also been on many roof decks. Roof decks meant for socializing typically have walls that are at least chest high and set back enough that you can’t see straight down.
Driving over a bridge. I’m in a car and the road doesn’t appear to be close enough to the edge to make me feel like I could fall.
Flying. Sure, turbulence of a certain magnitude makes me a little nervous. My father is a pilot, however, and I have been flying my whole life. I was taught about an airplane’s ability to withstand turbulence at a very young age.
In all of these situations, I FEEL safe.
Therefore, I don’t believe that I’m in danger of falling off or that the structure might break resulting in my plummeting into the void.
My Most Terrifying Moment
November 11, 2018 at the Mutianyu section of the Great Wall about an hour north of Beijing.
How was I supposed to know that to stand on that Wall requires a windy traverse over what certainly was a bottomless chasm on an old rusty ski lift? That part was NOT in the brochure.
Very high? Check.
Ability to see straight down? Check.
Safety bar too low? Check.
Height plus exposure? Check.
Distrust of the structure? Check.
Jumping into the 2-seat, fully open chair and pulling the safety bar down didn’t really phase me. I’ve been on ski lifts before, and although I’ve been uneasy on them, I have never felt terror.
But once we rose over the initial crest, the ground dropped away, and the wind picked up. I was literally frozen. I knew, with all of my being, that the cable on the lift was about to snap.
I believed it with all of my heart. I could picture it, and I kept replaying the moment in my mind.
The only thing that kept me from outright weeping was my lift-mate, and friend, George. My pride wouldn’t let me cry like a baby in front of George. Although it was a struggle.
He was apparently unphased. Turning around, taking pictures, and making the ride even more bouncy. So I literally closed my eyes, tried to pray, and just let George do all of the talking. Thank God he was talking.
Miraculously, somewhere between 5 minutes and 3 hours later, I found myself standing on that wall.
A side note: I don’t regret that fear-filled 5 minutes on any level. The Great Wall is truly one of the great wonders on this planet. I’ve seen the pictures, you’ve seen the pictures, but the only way to appreciate its majesty is to stand on it with your own feet.
I would do it again in a heartbeat, even being fully aware that I will put myself through a most tortuous 5 minutes.
Connecting the Fear to Goals
How does all of this relate to goal setting?
This connection first struck me during a conversation about this fear with my wife. She observantly mentioned that the reason my knees get weak is because I believe it can happen.
It’s in the belief. The ability to picture it happening.
Then it struck me. That’s the same feeling that must be applied to goals.
Whatever goal you set, you must believe it to be attainable.
The problem I’ve had with goal setting is not the system, or the accountability, or the fact that I didn’t give it a date on the calendar (I’ve actually done all of these expertly advised things)…it’s pure belief.
I’ve written down the wrong goal. I’ve written down a goal that ultimately I don’t believe I can achieve.
The ‘A’ in the SMART system means “achievable”. I now think this is the most important piece.
The level of your goals must be in line with your level of belief in yourself to accomplish it. Whether it’s a huge goal like changing the world, or a small goal like getting 4 hours of endurance training in this week, you have to believe you can do it.
If I can’t feel myself attaining it and believe that I can succeed, then its a pointless goal. I will never achieve it.
Application to My Current Work
I’m currently working through a seminar from Seth Godin called “The Marketing Seminar“. It’s been an outstanding and enlightening ride so far.
One of the many moments of clarity that I’ve had is centered on goals. It was actually a lesson on goals plus strategy and tactics.
At first, I did what I usually do and started in the wrong place.
I started with something like “positively impact thousands of people by writing blogs and books, speaking, blah, blah, blah…”
That actually is what I want to do. It’s not an insincere vision.
But I don’t yet believe that I can achieve it. I don’t feel like it’s attainable.
I want to, of course, but it’s not yet believable by myself, for myself. Maybe it’s lack of confidence, maybe it’s the story in my head, maybe its lack of track record. It’s probably all of these.
Given the insight of self-belief, my new goal is something that may seem less ambitious on the outside:
The goal is to find my voice, and subsequently find an audience of any size to help by building community around overcoming the stories in our heads.
I believe I can find my voice. Continuing to write will do that.
I believe I can build an audience that I can help. I’m not worried about the number.
I can feel that because I believe that I’m not the only one. I know that there are others who feel stuck and feel like they have more to give, but don’t know where to start. There are others who have believed the stories that the world sells. There are others who have been telling themselves the wrong stories for a long time.
And now stuck and mediocre is no longer ok.
Setting this goal has made a huge positive impact on my direction and motivation.
A Word About Mission Vs Goals
Your goals are not exactly the same as the mission or the change you seek to make in the world. They are related, obviously.
The mission is something you believe IN. The goal is something you believe about yourself.
String the right goals together, and that’s how you live your mission.
This is where you start: pick a goal that makes you feel just like when you’re standing on the edge of the cliff and you can literally feel the fall.
Whatever you write down on that paper, or put on your vision board, or drop on your calendar better be something you believe you can achieve.
A Bonus
I’ll leave you with this picture. This is me, standing on the observation platform at the top of the Tybee Island Lighthouse in Georgia.
It’s not just a snapshot taken at the right time that makes me look like I’m hugging the structure. I WAS hugging the structure, and I wasn’t letting go.
You could’ve taken this picture of me at any time during the 20 minutes I was up there, and this is what you would have gotten.
You see that railing? It was by no means over chest high. It was possibly 3 inches higher than my waist. I’m surprised that the surrounding ground isn’t littered with the remnants of 5 or 6 people per day tumbling over that thing.
I’ve built a life of comfort…and its kept me stuck and mediocre.
As best as I can figure, I’ve built that life of comfort for 2 reasons:
Comfort is…well…comfortable. I like being comfortable.
I’ve been sold comfort is the holy grail since I was a kid.
Aspiring to a life of comfort has been one of western culture’s sales pitches that has worked on me; hook, line and sinker.
“Become a better, happier human by becoming more comfortable!”
But unfortunately, I think it’s why I have felt stuck and mediocre. It’s also why I have not risen to the challenge many times.
They Sell Comfort
Safety is comfort.
Beauty is comfort.
Fitting in is comfort.
Distraction is comfort.
Staying seated is comfort.
Staying in your lane is comfort.
Playing by their rules is comfort.
Doing it the way you always have is comfort.
Getting a good job at a good company is comfort.
Effective marketing and sales pitches pull emotional levers. Those are the levers that resonated with me.
The Younger Me and a Life of Comfort
My younger self assumed the path to success was about finding the path of least Resistance.
If it felt scary or I wasn’t comfortable, I believed the Resistance telling me it wasn’t for me. Little did I know then that those were the very things that I should have been pursuing.
Keep my head down, play by the rules, avoid scary, stay in the framework, never get in trouble, and all will turn out dreamy. I can now see the Resistance at work through that mindset.
The younger me bought the sales pitch.
Discomfort is Stress
We seem to focus on the negative aspects of stress. Books, programs, and seminars on “Practical Techniques for Stress Management”, and “9 Steps to Alleviate Stress in the Workplace and Home.”
Stress is bad, right?
It’s true that when you experience physical or psychological discomfort, your body and mind are experiencing stress.
And that’s bad, right?
Not necessarily…
The Evil Kind of Stress
Chronic stress is the evil kind of stress.
It can literally kill you.
The rut in your life or career produces chronic stress.
Eating poorly and never exercising produces chronic stress.
Living an inauthentic life or a life you are not proud of produces chronic stress.
Discomfort is not chronic stress.
The Useful Kind of Stress
Good stress is called eustress. It can be mild, acute, or even episodic. But it’s not chronic.
It is perceived as something within our coping ability
It feels exciting
It increases focus and performance
You already know about physical eustress and its benefits.
When you needed the spotter in the weight room, you could lift more the next session. When you were gasping at the end of your run, you could run farther or faster next time.
Psychological eustress happens when you push your psyche similarly.
You experience it when you stand up in front of the room, publish the article, quit the job, start the new business, tell someone how you really feel, sit with the other people, go off the path “they” expect, or challenge yourself to stand up for someone or an ideal.
These things expose you to some level of emotional danger. And when you expose yourself to emotional danger, you feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable.
But that type of uncomfortable can be eustress.
The Comfort Zone’s Effect
In hindsight, I can see how the comfort zone has shaped my journey. I recognize the little monuments of both growth and regression over my path that directly related to my level of comfort.
Most times I grew, made progress, or ended up better, it was because I stepped out, or was forced out of my comfort zone.
I can also look back and regret the opportunities missed or not taken because I was too afraid to test the waters outside the comfort zone. Resistance won those battles.
A Few Monuments Along the Path
The first time I found myself on a layoff list, I was stunned, terrified and felt like a complete failure. I had a young family to feed and a mortgage to pay. It led me to real estate investing, understanding residual income, and a keen interest in finding other sources of income.
In the 5th grade, I was voted captain of the safety patrol. My main job was to assign who was to stand at which post. I was too afraid to make any decision because of what “they” might think. So I just didn’t make any decision. When I was rightfully reprimanded, I quit the safety patrol.
In my first year as a manager of a team of software developers, I had little confidence and was mortified to let the team down. So I poured myself into it, learned new skills, found my voice, and did the work. I received an outstanding performance review.
One year later, I received the worst performance review of my career. Now working directly inside the comfort zone, I stopped pushing myself and the boundaries. I engaged the autopilot and sat back in comfort.
In high school, I was asked to run for class office by my guidance counselor, as well as some friends. The story playing in my head was: “What am I supposed to do? What if nobody votes for me? What if I stink at it?” I never even picked up the form to put myself in the running.
I turned down an offer from the premier tech product company of this age because of the fear of the unknown. Which means I turned down an offer to influence and be a part of one of the single biggest culture transforming series of products in history. Plus, if I would have accepted, the stock options provided with the offer were worth close to $3M just 3 years later.
After many weeks of over-thinking and agonizing, I nervously volunteered for a layoff in my mid-40’s from a company with which I had 18 years of service. That one decision, more than any other, has upwardly transformed my career and led to the best opportunities I’ve ever had.
Practicing Discomfort
Managing, and ultimately growing through discomfort is like working a muscle: the more you practice it, the better you can get.
Your goal isn’t to be comfortable. That’s an unattainable goal.
The goal is to be able to function, and then grow outside the comfort zone. As you get better, the higher the stakes you can handle.
The good news is that you can practice it without a high stakes event such as getting laid off. You can start easy, with benign little things, and ratchet up the level as you go.
Several years ago, I started purposefully practicing getting comfortable being uncomfortable. It will be a lifelong journey, but I’m so much farther ahead now.
Here are some of the things I’ve personally done to practice getting out of my own comfort zone.
Feel free to try some of these yourself. Each one of these has literally no REAL risk, but you can use these to get ready for those moments in your life where there IS real risk at stake.
Note that I’m an introvert, so some of these things are not likely to put an extrovert out of his/her comfort zone.
Beginner Exercises
Take a cold shower.
Skip a meal.
Smile, make eye contact, and say “Hi” to a stranger on the street or in the elevator.
Overdress or underdress for an event, or purposefully make an appearance change that will draw comments.
Beginning to Move Forward
Buy the bike or running shoes, or get the gym membership.
Start a conversation with the person next to you on the airplane or train or bus.
Write and publish an article that has some of your actual thoughts about a particular subject. Take a side, defend a position, tell a personal story, etc.
Go to a local networking group meeting.
Go to a network marketing meeting.
Force You to Grow Exercises
Sign up for the power lifting meet, triathlon, marathon, spartan race, or whatever pushes you physically.
Find a speaking engagement (networking groups are great places to start).
Get on stage at an open mic or storytelling event.
Say “yes” to a network marketing opportunity.
Find a mentoring client. It doesn’t need to be a paying client, but someone you will work with to help on his/her journey.
Summary
“Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.”
Robert G. Allen
My growth, and stagnation has been directly related to my comfort zone.
Leadership, creativity, entrepreneurship, public speaking, writing, expression of my voice…All things I SHOULD HAVE been pursuing with vigor, but instead I was running away.
A WARNING: no matter how much you fight to stay in your comfort zone, sometimes you will get shoved out.
It’s these times of discomfort that will shape your future life.
You will get laid off.
You will have to give the presentation.
Somebody close to you will hurt you.
Your family will have a crisis.
You will be asked to solve the hard problem.
You will have an existential crisis of faith.
These things are coming. You can count on it. With a mindset that recognizes the opportunities in discomfort, not only can you deal with them, but you can grow through them.
Use that comfort zone as a guide, and instead of believing the sales pitch, start walking towards the uncomfortable.
I acted like a child, and it makes me squirm just thinking about it.
You’ve had moments like that.
A moment when you look back, you just roll your eyes, and wish to never think of it again. You can’t believe how you acted, and felt, and thought at that moment.
You’re not proud.
But let’s revisit it right now, if ever so briefly.
Think about it. Think about it in excruciating details, and go ahead and roll your eyes at yourself.
When was it? Where was it? Who was involved? What was the situation? Was there anybody else around to see and hear you?
What did you say? How did you act? What specifically embarrassed you?
And…
How did you feel? What were you thinking? What was the story you were playing in your head?
I recently had a moment like this, but it was also a moment that let me know that I have indeed grown quite a bit.
Although I’m not necessarily proud of myself (I’m still rolling my eyes), with a few days of separation, I am thankful that it provided a signpost on the journey of growth.
The Itinerary
I was traveling home to the eastern US from Armenia. The itinerary called for 3 hours from Armenia to Qatar, a 3 hour layover in Doha, and then 14 straight hours to Philly.
All in coach.
Although I’d never done this particular trip, I have done many similar trips that were 13-16 hours on one leg of the journey.
Always in coach.
If you’ve ever spent 14 hours in coach, you know that your personal seating arrangement on that long flight can make all of the difference between tolerable and miserable.
You have your own preference — window, aisle, or middle. The correct one for you makes all the difference. And an empty seat next to you? At that moment, having an empty seat next to you is the mental equivalent of hitting the $300M lottery.
I’m twitchy, and I’m an aisle person.
I prefer the alleged freedom and the perceived space that an aisle provides. Just the fact that I can get up whenever, or put my leg out in the aisle, if even for just a few seconds, is like a calming balm applied to my twitchy mind.
When booking this particular trip, I was unable to choose a seat for the first leg, but was able to choose the perfect seat for the 14-hour leg: seat 23D.
The Qatar Airways A350 for this flight was configured as 3-3-3 with 44 rows. So 23D is on the inner aisle approximately halfway back. This was also likely to give me Zone 2 boarding. I love Zone 2 because there will be open overhead bins, but I won’t have to sit on the plane for 45 minutes before we start taxiing.
Perfect as can be expected for 14-hours in coach.
The First Leg
The journey started rough in Armenia. The flight was 3am local time. I had started that day at 8am, worked all day, and then had a relaxing few hours before it was time to embark on the journey home.
But no sleep.
We arrived in a brain fog at the airport to crowds, slow lines, and odd rules. I was assigned a window seat. Not ideal, but also not a disaster for a short 3-hour hop.
Once on the plane and nestled into my window seat, a young couple took their seats next to me. The friendly and talkative man and I exchanged some pleasant conversation as the rest of the passengers boarded.
Then, as soon as the wheels were up, somehow and inexplicably, my formerly talkative neighbor falls sound asleep.
How does anybody actually fall sound asleep in coach…in the middle?? Ah…I guess it helps if you just pour yourself into half of your neighbor’s seat.
The next 3 hours was an exercise in physical and mental tension. Trying to keep myself out of his way and smashed against the fuselage.
It’s uncomfortably warm, I’m exhausted, I have no place for my feet, I’m trying not to touch the guy next to me, my back hurts, and I’m hungry.
The proverbial two little-me’s are sitting on each shoulder.
The first me leaned into those couple of paragraphs above. He looks a lot like a tiny, pre-Miyagi Daniel LaRusso (from hereon referred to as DL-M). He’s whining in my ear that its not fair, that I shouldn’t have to deal with this, and that I deserve better. DL-M is owed something.
The other me looks like David Goggins, and he’s disgusted with myself. He’s whisper-yelling in my ear to man-up. That I still have more than 60% left in me. That this minimal amount of discomfort shouldn’t even be a blip on my radar. In fact, all tiny David Goggins-me (from hereon referred to as DG-M) can do is simply shake his head in utter disappointment.
The Layover
The people…everywhere.
I’m as introverted as they come. I enjoy less people so much more than more people. And when I’m agitated, I prefer even less people.
DL-M is winding up: For goodness sake, it’s 4:30am? Why are there so many people in this airport at 4:30am? Where could you possibly have to go at this hour?
We waited in yet another line, found the lounge, and upon entry, sat down with some sparkling water and snacks to kill the next couple of hours.
At least I have the good seat for the next leg. DL-M should shut up now.
DG-M won’t even make eye contact with me. Snacks and sparkling water…WTF is wrong with you? I think I caught a glimpse of him walking right off my shoulder and out the door.
DL-M Takes Control
An hour before boarding, in full zombie mode, I waded through the masses and found my way to the gate.
After a quick and easy gate-entry security check, I found myself handing my boarding pass to the gate agent for what I assumed was simply verification of my identity and acknowledgement that the passenger in seat 23D was at the gate.
That’s when the lug nuts spun off the wheels.
Through the haze, I heard the agent mutter something about a seat reassignment. Quickly, my boarding pass was confiscated, and a new one with obscene markings was handed to me. At first these obscene markings didn’t even register, but then I focused my eyes and understood — seat 37E.
Suddenly, the fog lifted and I was acutely aware of my surroundings.
WHAT??!!! 37E??!!!
I didn’t know exactly where 37E was, but I knew it was a) near the back of the plane, and b) in the freakin middle seat of the middle aisle.
And that’s when the wheels fell off.
With little control of myself, DL-M leapt off my shoulder, into my head, and grabbed the joystick.
23D => 37E on Qatar A350
The Ugh Moment
DL-M was not going to stand for this and he let the agent know. It was like an out-of-body experience.
At one point, the agent asked me to please step aside so that the manager on duty could continue the conversation without holding up the process.
I simply refused, like a child.
“I’m staying right here, blocking this line, until this is fixed!”
Historically, and with my wits about me, this is not the way I act, especially in a public setting. I rarely feel the need to complain. I’m typically able to hold DL-M at bay, and DG-M is usually satisfied with my approach.
But not this time. I literally couldn’t stop myself. I had no control, and DL-M was in full control. I wouldn’t be surprised if I stomped my foot at some point. Maybe there is video somewhere.
But in the end, there was no satisfaction for DL-M. At one point, I left the gate agent, stewed on it some more, and went back to pick up the fight.
No dice. I was flying home in seat 37E.
The Growth Moment
It didn’t come from listening to DG-M screaming at me to man-up. DG-M was nowhere to be found. Likely he was outside running laps or doing pull-ups.
It also didn’t come from “looking at the bright side.”
Or from trying to talk myself into “making lemonade from lemons.”
Or from “smiling on the outside so that my inside will believe it.”
Or from “breathing deeply.”
All bullshit.
Any of those things would have been a farce — surface-level and inauthentic.
The growth moment was simply an awareness. A mindfulawareness of my presence in that time and space, and a gratefulness for being.
Yup, the old me also thinks that sounds nuts.
An actual calm came over me, if just for a few seconds. But it was a light bulb, and it was energizing.
And that light bulb was just the signpost on the journey of growth that I needed.
The Final Leg
I’d be lying if I said that now “all was well” from then on.
The flight was delayed before we got on the plane, and then again once we were seated on the plane. An incident between an angry man and a young woman at the gate that threatened to delay us even further.
DL-M was raring to go at those moments.
But that brief encounter with awareness and gratitude had signaled something that helped keep me calm.
Now, I could authentically “look at the bright side.” I knew that I was going to be OK.
The next 14 hours were as pleasant as can be in coach.
The Work That Has Been Done
I’m neither a master of meditation and mindfulness, nor prayer. I can’t teach anybody. But I’ve been practicing.
It’s moments like the one described above that has me sure that the practice is paying dividends. I’ve had a handful of those moments.
In them, I’ve been able to observe my mood, my feelings, and my actions with a “that’s interesting” kind of response. Most importantly, I’m starting to be able to forgive myself, and even allow those moments to come.
It’s OK to feel melancholy. It’s OK to feel angry. It’s OK to feel perturbed.
But it’s not OK to act on those feelings like a child would.
From Hereon
This was just a simple signpost on the journey of growth. There was no magical epiphany, nor lightning bolt, nor exclamation of a life altering moment.
But these little signposts are important. They are important motivators as well as indicators.
I’m no guru, nor sage, nor monk, and that isn’t my goal. I’m also not as consistent with the practices as I should be.
Fifty is one of those milestones. Probably past half way. Certainly a reasonable point to reflect.
Whether you feel awesome, or mediocre, or terrible, have some fun with the reflection.
For some, it would be easy to focus on what you wish was different. The regrets. But as a coach/mentor, and a mentee, I’ve come to know the power of focusing on the wins, however small.
So I choose to intentionally focus on some of the stuff I got right as a young adult. At least some of the time. To be clear: not all of the time. Nor was I was conscious of all of this at the time.
But in hindsight, here is the stuff my younger self got right. I am still applying these today.
You may recognize yourself in many of these things, or may disagree vehemently with some of them. Maybe I’m a stone-cold loser. Regardless, you may find some truth in this list.
50+ Things I Got Right
These are in no particular order.
Look for ways to add value at work, at home, and in the community.
Find and participate in your spiritual community.
Find a purpose larger than yourself.
Be curious and continue to wonder.
Invest in your marriage.
Expose your emotional self to your partner.
Realize that commitment is something you do, not something you expect.
Be self-aware.
Invest in your children.
Be the adult for your children, sometimes at the expense of being a buddy.
Provide as many opportunities for your children as you can.
Let your children learn to struggle and figure stuff out.
Let your children determine their own path.
Sacrifice for your family.
Invest in your physical health.
Make exercise fun.
Get harder to kill every day, both physically and mentally.
Start saving for your “later life” right away, at the maximum amount, no excuses.
Learn about finances.
Make enough money so you don’t go to bed stressed about money (most nights).
Realize that money is just a tool, like any other resource.
Invest in experiences over stuff.
Don’t feel bad about spending money on stuff that brings you joy.
Find a place/neighborhood to live that doesn’t make you feel out of place.
Don’t blindly follow the crowd.
Don’t pay attention to the news.
Don’t gossip.
Assume the other side is innocent and has the best intentions.
Assume you have made a mistake or don’t understand.
Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Don’t be easily offended.
Don’t whine about what you think you are owed, who wronged you, or what are your rights.
Seek out real conversation.
See the other’s perspective.
Keep looking for other interesting things to do.
Travel (resorts don’t count).
Keep learning new things.
Choose to be happy.
Find a work-life balance that is more integration, rather than separation.
Stay away from those you don’t want to become.
Share your work and ideas with coworkers.
Always find time to help your coworkers.
Sometimes be a follower, sometimes be a leader.
Don’t be impressed by titles or letters after one’s name, most especially your own.
Find the art in your work.
Reply to calls/emails/messages.
Be someone who can be counted upon.
Focus on what you can control.
Fix the big things first.
Read…a lot.
Tell people when you are impressed with them.
Figure out how to fix your house and car yourself.
Know how to cut your grass, mulch your yard, clean the bathroom, do laundry, make dinner, hang shelves, go through TSA at the airport, get an Uber or taxi, take a bus and train, paint a room, drive a manual transmission, and pump your own gas.
Go outside.
Pursue and appreciate the arts.
Embrace change.
Intention matters, regardless of results.
Summary
Self awareness is a critical trait in the quest for emotional intelligence and growth. No matter your age, reflection exercises are a great little tool that you can use to reset your awareness more accurately.
See here for another reflection exercise that I conducted on stuff that I’d like to tell my younger self.
They key to effective self reflection is a mix of honesty and focusing on positives. If you think about your younger self and find the things you were doing right, you can see how it’s led you to some of your biggest positive moments. Likely some of the best parts of yourself.
What is the stuff that your younger self was doing right?
